Just Like That
by gotye
Summary: John is back, should Natalie forgive him...again and what's wrong with Sean? Sequel to 'Fixing This', 'Fixing That', & 'How Did This Happen'.
1. Chapter 1

_Miss them terribly, could read their story forever! Both PP and ABC suck…_

_Ok, so at some point I'm gonna reference John and Nat's ages. Since Jessica (and subsequently Natalie) were born on-air in 1986, that would make Nat 17 when she is engaged to Chris and meets John for the first time in 2003. _

_This doesn't work. So I check to see what yr MA was born, Dec1979, which would make her 37 when this story begins…I still didn't feel that was right either so I split the difference between the two and came up with 1982, that would make Nat 21, old enough to tend bar when she meets John. _

_With that being said, it is only hinted at how much older than Nat John is. ME was born in Feb of 1967 which would make potentially John 49 when this story begins…again didn't feel right. I need them to both be a smidge younger. MA & ME a little over 11 years apart. I thought that was a good rule to follow so, John was born in 1971 in my world. And that is my logic behind that._

_As usual, I am following the 'soap writers rule' of only looking up half of any legal or medical issue in this story. No offence to anyone with any medical issues I use. I tried not to go into too much detail because of the 'soap writers rule'._

Prolog

August 2016

This isn't exactly the way she thought she would be spending her first wedding anniversary. She rinsed the last bowl and put it in the dishwasher, closed the door and turned it on. Flowers and dinner out maybe. Actually, this should have been their third anniversary. What they had thought was their first was spent naked on the floor in front of the fireplace in their bedroom.

She sighed as she leaned back against the counter and thought back over all they had been through in the last thirteen years of their relationship. They had been through so much.

She sighed again and looked around the kitchen. It was free of clutter and surface dirt, so as far as she was concerned, it was clean enough.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. The first time she had heard him knock on his own door, she cried all night. It wasn't right, and she told him he didn't have to knock but, he said it didn't feel right not to.

So, she cried all night that night, not only because of that but, because it was the first night he took the kids away. She'd long since stopped crying. Oh, she would tear up occasionally but the truth was she didn't have time to pity the situation they were in anymore. Her kids needed her.

Straightening her shirt, she made her way to the door.

"Hey," she said opening it wide and sweeping her hand out indicating he could come in.

"Hey," he said back. She still took his breath away. After all these years, her blue eyes and her fiery hair….

"They're still upstairs packing their things. I'll go get them," she said. The sight of him, made her heart pound, she could smell him. Leather and soap. She willed her heart to stop beating so hard, she was afraid he could hear it.

He smiled at her, and put a hand out not intending to touch her. He hadn't touched her in so long, he missed it. He only hoped she would wait a moment.

"Actually, if you have a minute….." he let his voice trail off, not really sure what he wanted to say.

She just nodded and looked at him expectantly, wondering what he wanted. They hadn't had a real conversation that wasn't about the kids in months.

"Well….I just," he started, shook his head and cleared his throat nervously, "I uh…..I just wanted to say, uhm," he stammered, then pulled a small blue box out of his pocket, he took a deep breath and said quickly, "happy anniversary."

John held the box out to her, she was like a fish opening and closing her mouth, not sure what to say.

Natalie swallowed hard, her eyes filling with tears, "John," she gasped, "I….I-I-I didn't…."

"No…no it's…..you've already given me…three of the best presents ever….for the rest of my life," he could feel tears prickling behind his eyes, "it's ok. It's just something…..just something I thought you would like," he shoved the box closer to her hoping she would take it, afraid she wouldn't. She hesitantly reached out and took it in her hand.

She looked up into his eyes for the first time in a long time. His beautiful blue eyes, she knew how they sparkled when he was happy and how dark they could smolder when they made love but, she hadn't seen anything but, flat blue in a long time.

She slowly opened the box. It was a small delicate, silver bracelet. She placed her hand on her chest and gasped. "Oh John. It's beautiful," she said, with a small smile. She could feel her heart swell up.

"Yeah?" He asked nervously, and smiled a small embarrassed smile at her.

She carefully picked it up to see that there was a small charm attached. An emerald set into a silver charm of a four leaf clover.

"Yeah," she smiled up at him, "it really, really is." She couldn't tear her eyes away from his if she wanted to, "help me?" she said softly.

He looked up at her surprised she'd ask him.

She nodded indicating she was sure, set the box down on the coffee table and held out her arm. He gently took the bracelet from her and took a few steps closer so he could reach properly. They hadn't been this close in months. He could smell her perfume, her skin….he swallowed hard. God did he miss her.

He slid the clasp in place, and watched as her eyes sparkled as they ran over his gift. It wasn't much but, it made him happy to see how happy it made her.

"I love it…thank you," she said softly. They found their eyes locked again. He reached up and ran the backs of the fingers on his right hand down her cheek. Turning his hand he copped her cheek and ran his thumb over her jaw. Her heart speed up again. She felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room.

His fingers were burning where he touched her face. Her skin was so warm. They moved at the same time slowly drawing closer, he couldn't wait to feel her lips on his again. He rested his nose against hers. He felt her hands come up to rest on his chest. He wouldn't kiss her if she didn't want him to but, he could feel her melt against him. He leaned down and-

"Dad!" Liam yelled from the stairs. John and Natalie jumped apart guiltily. John rubbed his hand over his face, trying to recover quickly.

"Yeah?" He said turning to face his five year old son bounding down the stairs. He couldn't see her but he felt Natalie move away from him.

"I've been waiting for you all day," Liam said with a giant smile on his face.

"Well, you know…I had to work today but, I'm here now. Are you ready to go? Hey, what do you guys want to do tonight?" He said focusing on his son.

"I'm ready but, Laney is still packing," Liam shook his head in disapproval, "I told her there was no reason to bring that many dolls." John chuckled and seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, looked toward the stairs. There stood his three year old daughter, her long, red curls shining in the fading sunlight. He loved all of his children but, this one….this one right here…she had him wrapped around her finger.

"Hey there darling, you ready to go?" he asked her. He couldn't help but smile at her, she looked so much like her mother. Alana shook her head 'no'.

"How come? What's wrong?" He said moving around the couch to the stairs.

John and Natalie had gotten used to the fact that unless their daughter had something to say, it was only nods and shakes of her head they would get. Occasionally they would get a shrug of one or both of her shoulders. Lately, Laney had started using facial expressions to express her feelings about something as well but, if she didn't need to say it out loud, she didn't. It wasn't that she couldn't, she chose not to.

At this time, she only struggled to hold up the bag she was attempting to carry. Apparently, it was too heavy.

"You want me to get that for you?" He asked, she nodded but, he was already headed up to her. Picking up the bag and taking her hand they walked down the stairs together.

"Do you really need this many dolls for just one night?" John asked her, she looked at him like he had two heads and nodded vigorously. He chuckled and looked up at Natalie. She was looking at them wistfully, he could tell she was a hundred miles away.

"You ok?" he asked her, concerned that he had upset her earlier. He knew she wanted that almost kiss as much as he did.

She took a deep breath and shook her head as if to clear it, "yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Uhm…by the way. Sean isn't feeling well."

"Again?" John asked. His youngest son, at a little over a year, seemed to be sick a lot lately.

"Yeah, you know, just another small fever, he's a little cranky. I thought it would be better to keep him here just in case he's up all night. An-and that way he won't keep all of you up all night," she said, then lowered her voice a little, "or any of the other guests."

John had been staying at the hotel for the last few months. Roxy was kind enough to give him a suite this time. It was a little larger than the room he'd had before but, really the only difference was there was a door separating the living area from the bedroom. She gave him a couple of camp beds he could take out when the kids came for a visit and pack away after they left.

"I thought if he was here in the morning, I could take him to the doctor first thing," she twisted her wedding band nervously, "I promise, I'm not trying to keep him away from you."

"No, I know. I'm just…..he's been sick a lot lately, hasn't he?" John asked perplexed. Liam was hardly ever sick as a baby, and Laney, having been born premature was at risk for several illnesses but, luckily she only had the occasional ear infection or fever associated with cutting teeth. However, Sean seemed to just recently have a rash of ear infections and fevers every time they turned around.

"Yeah, I know. But, these little viruses just have to run their course I guess. I really don't want to have to give him a bunch of medicine either but, what if it's something else and I didn't take him….you know," she looked at him with a 'what do I do ' look, shrugging slightly.

"No, yeah you should take him but, will you just call me when you're done and let me know what they've said?" He asked, still concerned.

"Of course, I will. And you know I'll be in after I take him so…if that's ok?" She added nervously. She sometimes forgot he was her boss too.

He smiled at her, "of course, take your time with him." John turned to locate his two oldest children finding them standing directly behind him and completely ready to go. John and Natalie both chuckled seeing them standing there like little soldiers .

"Well, ok…I guess we are ready to go," he smiled and turned back to Natalie, "if you need anything in the night, no matter what time, call me."

"I will. We should be fine," she smiled back and followed them to the door.

Opening the front door and ushering the kids out onto the porch, John turned around, leaned back against the open door and looked back at Natalie, "happy anniversary Natalie," he said.

She had walked to the door and placed her hand on the door knob, leaning against it in the opposite direction and gave him a small smile, "happy anniversary John."

She watched them pull out of the driveway then closed the door. Leaning against it, she held the bracelet John had given her up so she could look at it more closely. It's was a beautiful, silver charm. A four leaf clover with and emerald gem in the center. A four leaf clover was a charm for good luck. 'Boy wouldn't that be nice', she thought. She flipped it over and saw that it was engraved. Her breath caught as she gasped.

_'__You and Me_

_I love you,_

_John'_

She slid down the door to sit on the floor and cried for the first time in a long time.

~jolie~

John breezed through the doors of the diner after dropping Liam off at preschool and Laney at Llanfair. Liam was set to start kindergarten in a few weeks. It was hard to believe he was old enough already.

"Hey brother," Michael said when John approached the table.

"How's it going there Mikey?" John said, turning the cup over as the waitress appeared to pour him some coffee. Mumbling his thanks, he took a sip of the hot liquid.

"Ok, you?" Michael asked in a general tone.

"Yeah," John answered absentmindedly.

"So?" Michael asked, leaning forward putting his elbows on the table like a little kid.

"So...what?" John was confused as he looked up at his brother.

"So...what happened last night?" Michael said slyly.

"Ah…I went and picked up the kids, we watched a movie, had pizza and went to bed. Pretty typical night," John said taking another sip of his coffee, "well Laney and Liam anyway, Sean was sick again."

Michael narrowed his eyes at his brother, "he was?"

"Yeah, Natalie took him to the doctor this morning and they told her he had another virus and that it just had to run its course," John noticed the way his brother was looking at him, "what, do you think it's more than that?"

"No, no it's not that but, he's been sick a lot in the last few months. It's not necessarily unusual," Michael added quickly, "but, well he's my nephew and it makes me a little uneasy," Michael said pondering this information

"Yeah, me too," John said thoughtfully, wondering what his brother was thinking.

"Anyways...it was your anniversary man," Michael said, then mentally kicked himself, "wait you did know that right?"

John chuckled, "yeah, I knew that." They were silent for an awkward moment before Michael could take it anymore.

"Ok...SO?" He said somewhat loudly.

"So what? I picked up the kids and we went back to my room and that was the end of it," John said starting to get annoyed.

"John, did it ever occur to you...that _this_ would have been the one day of the year that you would have been able to break through and get her to talk to you. So you guys could work this out?" Michael said exasperated with this brother.

"I promised not to push her Mike...and I won't. I want my wife back, my family back but, I'm not going to pressure her. I want her to want it too," John said sadly, rubbing his neck.

Michael shook his head in disbelief.

Another silent few moments passed before John mumbled, "I might have…uhm.." he cleared his throat, " I brought her a gift." He quickly took a drink to hide his embarrassment.

A slow knowing smile split across Michael's face, "u huh..."

"It was just, something, nothing really," John said nervously, taking a deep breath and leaning all the way back in the booth.

"U huh," Michael said again, still smiling like a loon.

"I had it made actually...uhm...engraved too so..." John stuttered around uncomfortably, clearing his throat he shrugged as if it were no big deal.

"Right but, no pressure-" Michael started sarcastically.

"No," John interrupted, "no pressure." John smiled sadly at his brother.

Michael shook his head and laughed.

"What? Just...if you have something to say, just say it," John wasn't in the mood for this this morning. He ran a hand over his face.

"You two have never done anything slowly, I don't understand why you've chosen now to try it," Michael said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" John asked indignantly.

"Well _come on_, every time you've gotten together, you've jumped in all the way, right away," Michael scoffed, "I mean, have you ever even been out on a date with her-"

"A date,"

"Yeah a date...you know, you pick her up at 6, you bring flowers, you have dinner, you bring her home and walk her to the door with a little kiss good night...you know a date,"

"I...no we've never, I don't think we've ever gone on a date like that," John thought for a moment, "we were supposed to...once but, I stood her up." John laughed a little remembering that day, it had been so long ago.

John smiled, "it was….a really long time ago...jeez and….we were supposed to meet at Rodi's for dinner. I got caught up in something and I forget what...I know I was getting ready to leave town," John said, trying to remember. He finished with a quiet, "she didn't want me to go."

"Oh, I bet that went over really well," Michael laughed knowing Natalie would have had a fit.

"No...In fact she showed up at my door," John said nodding at his brother, remembering how she stood there with the bag of burgers in her hand.

_John opened the door, she stood there holding up a brown paper bag.__He held the door open for her and she walked in. They both chuckled softly._

_"__Huh, no wonder you forgot," she said looking up at him, hurt slightly that he would._

_"__I'm sorry….I – I lost track of time. I hope you're not mad," he said and he really meant it._

_She shook her head slightly, "so uh…does this mean you made a decision about Uncle Bo's offer?"_

_"__Yeah, I don't think so Natalie," he smiled at her nervously._

_"__You should take it," she looked at him pleadingly. She didn't know why she wanted him to stay so badly._

_"__Yeah, why is that?" His smile grew at her nervousness, 'she was beautiful', he thought._

_"__I-I don't know," she mumbled not being able to voice her thoughts of 'please don't go._

"Right, that sounds like Natalie," Michael laughed.

"Yeah...we had our first kiss that night, too," John said wistfully.

"Really, and?" Michael asked curiously.

"And well, nothing, you know... the usual….I pushed her away of course. I was starting to realize that if I let myself, I could care for her. And I couldn't let that happen," John said, "then...mom showed up." John tipped his cup at his brother before he finished his coffee.

Michael crinkled his nose, "ew, mood killer."

"No. I single handedly did that but, yeah that effectively ended the conversation," John smiled at his brother.

"So you guys don't do the 'date night' thing then?" Michael wasn't sure why he wasn't surprised. They weren't that type of couple.

"The 'date night' thing?" John asked confused, looking at his brother like he had two heads.

"Yeah, you know they say that married people should go out on dates to keep them...interested in each other or something like that," Michael said, with an embarrassed shrug.

"Do you take Marcy out for 'date night'?" John asked sarcastically, even though he was genuinely curious.

"Well we've been known to go out to dinner without the kids when we can, she said she thinks it's important," Michael said with a sniff, clearly caught between making fun of it and the fact that he did enjoy the time alone with his wife.

"U huh... No, I never needed to take her out on dates to keep either of us interested. We've always been plenty...'interested' enough," John said, giving his brother a wink.

"Yeah, I didn't need to know that," Michael crinkled his nose.

John signaled the waitress for another cup of coffee, while Michael sat silently watching his brother for a moment and seemingly coming to a conclusion.

"You need to ask her out," Michael said firmly, seemingly out of the blue.

"What?" John wasn't sure he heard right.

"You need to ask her out on a date," Michael repeated.

John laughed, "right. She's already my wife."

"No really," Michael said seriously, "you need to ask her out on a date and get to know each other again. Get her to trust you again, prove to her that you're sorry, that you love her and you aren't going anywhere again. _You_ need to pursue _her_. Whoo her. Fight for her man."

John scoffed and shook his head. His first thought was that that was a stupid idea but, the more he ran it over in his mind the better it sounded.

_"__John the most important thing is, I need to know that you would fight for me."_

_"__You don't know that?"_

For the first time in months, John felt hope about the future.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

John walked determinedly toward the lab where he knew Natalie was. His brother had convinced him this morning that he needed to ask her out on a date. At first he thought it was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard but, the more he thought about it the more he realized that he needed to take control of this situation and do it. He need to get his wife back and this time they would take things slow. She would come to realize she could trust him and that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Hey," he said coming in the lab, he was talking to Natalie but, everyone looked up at him standing in the doorway. He felt a little embarrassed that he had come barreling in that way. Natalie stepped away from the table she was working at and walked over to him.

"Hey," she said, "is something wrong?" She asked looking concerned.

"Oh..uh, no, I was just looking for you," he said, looking around nervously.

"Oh, ok," Natalie looked back at her coworkers who were not hiding the fact that they were all listening, "lets...uh, go out here."

Stepping into the hall Natalie looked concerned all over again, "are you sure nothing's wrong you look like you're going to be sick."

"Oh, yeah, it's just...they were all staring..." John looked over his shoulder to the room where everyone had resumed their work.

"Well it's not very often the boss comes blowing into the room like that," she smiled crossing her arms over her chest, amused a little by his embarrassment.

"Yeah right...uh, hey listen…uhm" John started and rubbed the back of his neck like he did when he was nervous.

"You keep saying that nothing is wrong John but, the way your acting is really making me wonder what's going on," Natalie looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"Nothing's wrong really, I just...don't know where to start," he looked around, his mind had gone blank.

"The beginning," she said decisively.

"The beginning, right," he said taking a deep breath, he braced his palm on the wall behind her and mustering his courage, he leaned in close and he said softly, "ok here's the thing. Do you want to go out with me?"

Natalie shook her head once, trying to make sense of what he said, it didn't work. "What?" She asked.

"Will you...go out with me?" He asked a little more boldly.

"Like on a...date?" she asked confused.

"Not _like_ a date. A date," he said with more confidence.

"We're married," she said flatly.

"Yeah," he said sounding disappointed, he blew out the breath he was holding and looked down at the ground, "maybe this was a stupid idea, stupid, stupid Mike," he mumbled.

"What does Michael have to do with anything?" she asked, confused again.

"He's an idiot," he said matter of factly, "he thought maybe we should go out on a date because, we've never actually dated and he thought maybe it would..."

"He thought a date would make me forgive you and forget what you did to our family," she said starting to get a little angry, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

"No! No he thought…maybe we could get to know each other again. Start over," he said quietly.

"We're already married John. I think we know each other pretty well," she shook her head, still not seeing the point.

"He and Marcy go out on dates and...he says he likes it," John said, his confidence returning.

"They do?" she said like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard.

"Yeah...I guess it keeps them 'interested'," John said with a silly smile on his face.

She grimaced back at him, "oh…well, yeah, I didn't need to know that," she hesitated, "I don't know John, I mean-"

"Natalie, I told you that I wouldn't push you or pressure you and I haven't but, we're stuck. We're not going anywhere, we're not moving forward and if we aren't going to at least try to work this out..." He let his voice trail off, he could see the tears in her eyes, he knew she wouldn't let them fall, "go out with me Natalie," he whispered, "one date, please."

Biting her lip, she looked up at him with her blue eyes, he could see that she was conflicted but, in the end she whispered back, "ok."

He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.

"Ok," he said back, "tonight at eight-"

"I have to get a sitter, I don't even know if Jody is available-" she started to protest.

"I already called her and...I already paid her," he said proudly, "she'll be at the house at seven fifteen. Just in case you need help so you can get changed in peace," he told her, she almost wanted to wipe the smug look off his face.

She couldn't tear her eyes away from his, she didn't know if she was ready to forgive him yet but, there was no denying how much she still loved him. She was amazed that he wanted to do this. It was very un-John-like.

"Natalie?" She heard coming from the lab, she had to force herself to tear her attention away from her husband but, she never looked away from him.

"Yeah?" She said to the disembodied voice, keeping her eyes locked to his.

"I have those results that you wanted to see," her co worker said, Natalie looked over John's shoulder.

"I'll be right there," she said, then in a soft voice she turned back to John, "I have to go. You're going to be yelling for that in about thirty minutes." She smiled. He nodded and smiled back. He watched her until she was out of sight in the room before leaving and heading back down stairs to his office.

~jolie~

"Good morning commissioner," John's assistant Susan greeted him, handing him a pile of mail.

"Hey Suz, how are you this morning?" he asked politely as he flipped through the mail.

"Fine thanks," Susan replied. She noticed how chipper John was this morning. Susan thought it was odd but she had long ago stopped asking him how he was in return. Susan, along with everyone else that worked at the station knew that the commissioner and his forensic tech wife were separated.

It wasn't discussed.

Everyone that worked there liked and respected both Natalie and John. On top on that, they were a family. They protected each other, whether it was out on the streets or in the office. Sure there had been a small amount of talk very early on when Commissioner McBain suddenly showed back up at work after having been gone for months but, when he and Natalie continued to work side by side professionally, all of that stopped.

John started toward his office when Susan stopped him, "don't forget the new part timer will be here this afternoon."

"Oh yeah, right. Thanks," John continued into his office and shut the door.

When Susan had come to him and explained that she wanted to go back to school, he was panicked. Of course he wanted her to pursue her dreams but, at the same time, she had become invaluable to him.

She hadn't been working here very long when he took off last year but, he understood from her that Natalie had jumped in and helped her, training her and making sure she had everything she needed. Responsibilities that were his. But since he'd been back she has been the best assistant they'd had since Natalie herself.

He wasn't sure he had the patience to deal with another newbie.

It was well into the afternoon when John heard a knock on his door, "yeah," he hollered out not looking up from his computer.

"Sorry to bother you sir but, I wanted to introduce Amy," he heard Susan say in a strange voice. She never called him 'sir'.

John looked up and his eyes widened in surprised. 'Amy' was very young, John wondered if she was even eighteen. She was wearing a very tight, low cut top and a very tight, short skirt. John was sure his eyebrows rose well up into his forehead.

Susan had the decency to grimace noticing the look on his face. With the way she swung her hips as she made her way across the room, it was obvious that Amy took the look on John's face as admiration instead of shock at the inappropriateness of her outfit. He seemed to realize he was staring and quickly stood to shake her hand, which was apparent immediately that that was mistake number two as she hung on just a little too long.

"It's nice to meet you," he said, quickly removing his hand from hers and sitting back down, not caring if it was rude.

"It's very nice to meet you too," she replied in a sultry voice, clasping her hands in front of her causing her breasts to stick out further.

Susan who never moved from her position at the door, spoke quickly, "we'll be out here if you need anything, Mr. McBain." She said giving him a pointed look. Susan never called him anything but 'commissioner', despite his repeated request that she call him 'John'. It was obvious she was trying to start Amy off this addressing him appropriately.

"Thanks Susan," John nodded once in her direction then turned his attention back to his computer. Noticing that Amy didn't move, John looked up at her for an awkward moment, "is there anything else?" John asked her directly.

"I just wanted you to know if you need anything, I'm here to help," she gave him sly smile, turned and walked out. He caught Susan's eye as she was closing the door. They both looked at each other with the same horrified look on their faces. Hopefully human resources would give her the dress code guidelines and the next time she came to work she would be dressed appropriately.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

John hated knocking on his own front door but, like he told Natalie months before...it didn't feel right to just walk in.

"Hi Mr. McBain," Jody their regular babysitter greeted him when she opened the door. She was holding a sleepy Sean.

"Hey Jody, how's it going," He asked her, coming in and shutting the door.

"Fine, Liam and Laney are already asleep but, this one here seems to be fighting it," she turned to that John could see his son's face. Sean was blinking very slowly, John could see how tired he was. But, as soon as Sean focused his eyes on his father, he was instantly awake, whining and reaching for John.

"Hey there buddy," John said taking his son in his arms, "you don't want to sleep huh?" Sean curled his body around John's and tucked his face into his father's neck.

"Is it ok if I take him up and try?" John asked the young woman.

"Oh yeah, please. He'd much rather have you than me any day," she chuckled and took a seat on the couch to read.

John stopped at Liam and Laney's rooms just peaking in on them, making sure they were ok. Why they wouldn't be he didn't know, he just felt the pull to check.

John sat down in the rocking chair that had been in every one of his children's bedrooms when they were little. He'd bought it for Natalie the first time Liam had cut his first tooth. He had a small fever and was cranky, the only thing he liked was to be rocked.

He snuggled Sean close and watched as his boy sighed and closed his eyes. He knew Natalie had had some difficult nights with the kids after he'd left. Laney didn't sleep much at all and both of the boys were cranky a lot. He felt so guilty that he caused that for her.

He was amazed every time he got the chance to watch one of his children sleep. Sometimes he couldn't believe that this was his child. He softly caressed Sean's dark hair until the small boy was out. After a few moments with Sean snoring softly, John placed him in his crib and continued to watch him sleep.

"You've always had a special touch helping them fall asleep. If I'd have put him down he'd been back up as soon as his head hit the mattress," she said from the door.

"It's not that special," he said not turning around. He missed these moments, after work the dinner-bath-bed routine. He missed reading to his kids every night. He missed holding his wife as she slept in his arms.

"Well, I can't do it," she said taking a few steps into the room. John turned to face her, she was beautiful. Her black dress clung to her curves and her hair was up exposing her neck. He smiled when he noticed she was wearing the bracelet he gave her. He longed to touch her.

"You look pretty," he said quietly, smiling at her.

"Thanks," she whispered, giving him a small smile back.

"Are you ready?"

She nodded and turned to leave the room. John took one more look at his son before following.

~jolie~

Natalie was surprised by John's choice for dinner.

"Uhm...The Palace? You hate it here," she said as they entered the restaurant.

"Hate? That's a strong word, I'm not sure I would use _hate. _Besides we're on a date, this is the type of place you go when you're on a date," John said.

This place did make him uncomfortable. Not as much as it used to but, most of the people in this place made more in a week than he made all year. Sure his wife was an heiress but, they didn't live that way. They got by on their paychecks and the money that came in through Rodi's.

Once they were seated, ordered drinks and selected their meals, they fell into an awkward silence. They were both racking their brains to come up with a safe general topic. It wasn't until their meals arrived that Natalie couldn't take the silence any more.

"Do we really not have anything to say to each other?" She said sadly with an embarrassed chuckle.

"I know that I have a lot to say to you but, I don't think you're ready to hear it yet," John said gently, he didn't want to piss her off.

Natalie looked up at him and at first felt stung by his words but, after looking at his face she could tell he didn't say it to hurt her.

"I'm sorry," he said, clearing his throat he started again, "tell me about Sean's doctor's appointment."

She looked up annoyed, they'd already talked about this. What else was there to say? "Well like I told you on this phone this morning as soon as we left the doctor's office, uhm...he has a virus that is going around. Unfortunately, or really fortunately, there isn't anything he can take for it. Well Tylenol for the fever but, it just has to run its course."

John nodded, "he looked better tonight," he said, struggling for something else to say.

"Yeah, he seems to be," she said grabbing her glass of wine and downing it.

They lapsed back into silence for a moment.

"So...Liam starts school in a few weeks," he said, "I'd like to go with you to drop him off."

"Of course," she said quickly, "he would want you there."

The waitress returned to clear their plates.

"John, I-I don't think this is working," Natalie said finally, disappointed.

"You're not giving it a chance," John said, not wanting to admit he agreed with her.

"I'm here aren't I? How could I not be giving it a chance?" She argued, hurt that he would say that to her.

"I'll get the check," John said standing up to track the waitress down, disappointment filling him as well.

Natalie sighed, maybe they had just grown too far apart she thought.

John paid the check directly at the bar and turned to head back to the table when he literally ran into someone. John bent down to retrieve the woman's bag, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you..." John couldn't believe his luck.

"Hello Mr. McBain, funny running into you here. Doesn't seem like your kind of place," Amy said.

"Typically, it's not," he said, holding her bag out to her. He raised an eyebrow at her when she didn't immediately take it. She finally reached out for it and tucked it under her arm.

"Maybe we could get a drink?" She asked. He took in her attire, it wasn't much different from earlier in the afternoon. Low, short and extremely tight.

"Sorry, I'm on way out. Have a good night," John dismissed her and walked away. He was going to have to have a discussion with Susan tomorrow. Why in the world would she hire someone that dressed like that? Out on her own time, she was free to do what she wanted but, the way she was dressed this afternoon wouldn't work. He returned to the main dining room and found Natalie standing next to the exit.

"I guess you're ready to go then?" He asked, knowing she would be but, still disappointed.

"Yeah, I think so," she said, she turned and walked out not bothering to make sure he was behind her.

Once they were settled in the truck, John started the engine but, he didn't make a move to pull out.

"What?" Natalie asked softly when he sat there staring out the front windshield.

"Are we ever going to work this out Natalie?" His gut clenched waiting for her answer.

"John-"

"No, I know you don't want to talk about this. You say you're not ready. It's been months, do you think you will ever be ready or...are we just...wasting our time here," he said sadly not looking at her.

Natalie swallowed the lump in her throat.

"John...you left us. You walked out on us, knowing what that would do to not only me...but, to our children. I don't understand...how you could just leave. You promised you'd never put anything in front of our children," her eyes filled with tears. "Please just take me home," she said quietly.

John put the truck in gear and pulled out of the space, they drove back in silence. John pulled into the driveway, before he could even get the truck shut off, she was out of it and making a bee line for the house. He caught up to her on the porch, trying to unlock the door. Her hands were shaking, "here," he said taking the key from her, turning it and opening the door.

Jody had been sitting on the couch, already haven been paid she took one look at John and Natalie's faces and decided it was best to leave quickly. Grabbing her bag she said, "nobody woke up, they were all good. See you next time." And she was out the door.

John waited until the door was closed behind her to turn to Natalie. "I know I hurt you-"

"Hurt me, you devastated me," she swiped at her face, willing the tears to go away. Caught between anger and despair, "but this isn't just about me, it's about them," she swung her arm toward the stairs, indicating the kids, "about what you did to them. I've lived through this before. Remember? You _leaving_, throwing our relationship away," she spat out the words, "but, they didn't know what to do. They're just….just babies." Natalie spun away from him, she placed her hand over her eyes and tried to control her breathing.

"And they seem to have forgiven me. They don't seem to have held it against me," he argued, "we've talked about it. Well, Laney and Liam and I. I explained what I was doing. We're getting on fine. The only one bound and determined to hold it against me is you," he said angrily. Natalie quickly turned around and narrowed her eyes at her husband.

"You explained that you went looking for your dead lover? A woman you wanted to marry, a woman you loved so much….a woman who's memory drove our relationship for years?" She said sarcastically, highly doubting it.

John huffed, "no I told them I went away for work."

"So...you lied," she said sarcastically.

"Would you have me tell that? Its way over their heads Natalie, be serious," John said, "listen...I don't want to go on like this anymore. I'm missing out on everything."

"You can see them whenever you want, I haven't kept them from you," she said defensively. She would never keep him away from them.

"I want to see them every day, I want to be here every day for _everything_. I'm missing…bath time and bed time and stories and just sitting there and talking to them," he said, tears welling up in his eyes this time, "and...it's not just them...Natalie," he reached out and grabbed her hand,"...I miss you…I miss….I miss smelling your hair when you sleep, watching you step out of the shower in the morning...I miss watching you...just putting your makeup on. Natalie, I want us back. Tell me you want that too, tell me you love me too...tell me we can fix this."

Natalie stood staring at him, tears in her eyes. She couldn't, she didn't understand and the hurt in her gut was so painful.

"We shouldn't have done this," Natalie said shaking her head and pulling her hand from his. She walked toward the door and opened it wide.

He slowly moved to the door, stopping when he drew even with her, "I'm not done...and I'm not giving up. I'm going to fight for us…..are you willing to?" he asked and quickly left. Natalie shut the door, leaning against it. She found herself sobbing again for the second time in twenty four hours.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Natalie avoided John the next few days, whenever possible. What he had said had really affected her and she wasn't ready to admit it out loud. She missed him too. He said he wasn't giving up on her, that he was going to fight for her. Sitting at her desk she thought about all that they had been through.

All through their relationship, she did the chasing...she said how she felt and when he claimed he couldn't. She had always forgiven him for everything. Starting with the lie about who he was, Flynn and Vegas, the lie about Christian, the way he treated her after his accident, believing Marty when she claimed she was the one to push her down the stairs, the weeks of fucking Kelly, kissing that woman in Port Charles...could she forgive him again? She was tired of having to. Not that she was an angel either, she'd hurt him too. Tampering with evidence in his father's case and losing his trust, pushing him too hard after his accident, lying about Brody and Liam...should they even try again?

"Natalie!" Natalie jumped, standing in front of her was one of the other techs in the office, "are you ok? You were like a million miles away, I've been trying to get your attention forever."

"I'm sorry, I just have...a lot on my mind," she answered.

Her friend and co worker smiled knowingly at her, "I can imagine, do you want to talk about it?" she asked genuinely.

"Oh...no, it's just more of the same. What's up?" she asked, pasting a fake smile on her face.

"Commissioner's waiting on this," the woman shoved it toward Natalie.

"Well, bring it to him," she chuckled, shoving it back.

"Yeah, maybe you should," her friend said cryptically. Holding it out again, trying to insist she take the file.

"Why?" Natalie asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes at the woman.

"Just wasn't sure if you met his new part time assistant yet. Might be a good day for it," the woman said dropping the folder on Natalie's desk and walking away. Natalie watched the woman walk away, completely confused.

She picked up the folder and made her way down stairs. As she got closer to John's office, she could see Susan's desk but, there was no one sitting there. Not thinking anything of it she made her way to John's closed door. She reached for the knob and clearly heard a woman giggle. She waited a moment, trying to discern what she heard when she clearly heard the giggle again.

Natalie forgoing the customary knock, barged into her husband's office. John was sitting behind his desk looking up at the woman sitting _ON_ his desk facing him. Her long legs were crossed, her long blond hair was pulled together over one shoulder and she was leaning forward giving him a clear view of her breasts if he wanted it. Natalie was too busy taking this strange woman appearance in that she missed the uncomfortable look on her husband's face which switched to panic when he realized it was his wife that walked through the door.

"Oh," the woman said hoping down off his desk, "I'm sorry, do you have an appointment? Mr. McBain doesn't see anyone without an appointment." The woman looked back over her shoulder at John and smiled.

Narrowing her eyes at Amy she asked, "since when?"

"I'm sorry you're going to have to step out-" The assistant started, point to the door.

Natalie's eyes rolled to John who had also stood up. Natalie looked back at the woman with her tight short skirt and her tiny top and interrupted her, "I don't need an appointment...EVER. So if you'll excuse us," Natalie glared at the woman as she took a step around her and looked to John clearly dismissing Amy but, the assistant wasn't going to let her.

"I'm sorry, I don't think you understand. Mr. McBain is...unavailable at the moment-"

"No, I don't think you understand," Natalie spun back around and took a few steps closer to the woman, as John came around the desk to step between the two women. He almost wasn't quick enough, "you get out of here now...or I'm going to kick your a-"

"Natalie!" John said stepping between them and blocking Amy from her view, "that will be all, Amy. Thank you," John said loudly, interrupting Natalie.

Amy looked back and forth between them. She had heard that the commissioner's wife worked here too but, hadn't seen her. Evidently, this was her. She turned her large smile to John, "sure, if you need anything else-"

"I'll let you know, thanks," John said quickly, clearly dismissing her.

"Sure," Amy turned to leave. Natalie turned around herself, never taking her glare of the blonde slut until she closed the door. John watched Natalie watch Amy and waited. She was going to blow up as soon as that door was closed.

"What the fuck was that?" Natalie hissed, spinning back around.

"Well, the truth is...that wasn't what it looked like but, I can hear how that sounds," John said with a shake of his head. It truly was innocent on his part.

"So that was something then?" Natalie asked, not believing he actually said that.

"No, Natalie it wasn't," John said, he sighed, "look, I had Susan talk to her about the way she dresses. I thought it would be better coming from, not only another woman but, an equal. Apparently she didn't understand or get it or care so, I thought I would try. She hopped up on my desk before I even had a chance to say anything."

"U huh, and how did the talk go?" Natalie asked sarcastically, slapping the folder to his chest and passing him by, walking to the window to look out.

"Uhm...I don't think well," John said. He had never been that uncomfortable with a woman…ever. Not that he fancied himself a lady's man but, he was pretty comfortable in his own skin and had never been that flustered around a woman. Except for maybe Natalie but 'flustered' in a completely different way.

"Well, she was probably too busy trying to shove her tits in your mouth." Natalie said, keeping her back to him.

Trying not to laugh out loud, John laid the folder on his desk, and walked up behind his wife. Close but not touching, he leaned down to speak quietly in her ear, "well, I remember another commissioner's assistant that used to hop up on my desk like that when she wanted some attention...I wonder if she was trying to do the same thing." He leaned his hand on the window sill beside her head. They were so close, he could smell her. Her perfume, her shampoo, her lotion….it smelled like home.

Natalie spun around slowly, and looked up at him, "I didn't think you ever noticed," she said just as quietly, definitely interested in the answer.

She was so close, all he had to do was lean down and kiss her. He could see the fire in her eyes too.

"Oh sweetheart, trust me...I noticed plenty. They are probably..." John said taking a deep breath, openly admiring his wife's body. He was longing to touch her so he gently placed a hand on her hip, "your best feature."

Natalie raised one eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest. "Besides, you kind heart, your fantastic brain and what a wonderful mother you are," John finished quickly, keeping his hand planted on her hip, he rubbed his thumb back and forth. He gave her a look asking if that was the right answer.

"Uh-huh. Right," Natalie said trying to still sound angry but, having a hard time keeping the smile off her face. His touch was starting to drive her crazy.

"I really was just...trying to find a way to talk to her about the dress code. Honestly," John said sincerely.

Natalie nodded. She looked awkwardly way and stepped around him to leave the room. John rubbed a hand over his face, wondering what else he could tell her to convince her of the truth. Trust was always their biggest problem.

Natalie paused at the door before opening it running over what she was about to do in her mind. Jealously pumping through her veins. Last time it was a disaster, 'what on earth would make this time any better?' She thought.

"Oh to hell with it," she muttered turning around, "come over at six, you can help me get the kids to bed first...before you take me to dinner."

John looked up in surprise and in a loss for words, he just nodded. Natalie opened the door wide, intentionally leaving it open she stepped out and stopped in front of Amy who sat at her desk.

"Little friendly advice. You dress like a slut, so if you want to keep this job and be taken seriously, I suggest you stop by human resources on your way out tonight and pick up a copy of the dress code for city employees," Natalie smiled a sarcastic smile at the woman. She then turned her eyes to her husband with a raised eyebrow and a 'is that good enough' gesture.

John just shook his head at her. That was his Natalie, cut to the chase and doesn't beat around the bush. 'God, I love you,' he thought as he watched her walk away.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

John reached the front door intending to knock like he had for the past few months. He raised his hand and froze. But, instead of knocking, John reached for the knob and found it locked. 'Good girl,' he thought, he slipped the flowers he'd brought under one arm so he could dig into his pocket and get out his keys. He unlocked the door, let himself in and reset the alarm system so it didn't go off. He followed the sounds to the kitchen where he found his family just finishing up dinner.

"Dad!" Liam yelled and as usual launched himself at his father.

"Hey buddy," John said hugging his son.

"What are you _doing_ here?" Liam asked excitedly.

"Uh...well," John kissed his daughter on the forehead and looked up at Natalie who was clad in a pair of cut off jean shorts and a black tank top. She looked sexy as hell. He wasn't sure exactly what she wanted the kids to know.

"Uhm," Natalie looked up at John nervously, not sure how much to tell them, "Mom and Dad are going to go out to eat tonight, _after_ you guys are in bed. What's that?" Natalie asked with a smile on her face.

John hesitated, "they're for you." He held them out to her. When she reached for them, he noticed she was wearing his bracelet. 'That has to be a good sign,' he thought.

Natalie was touched. Not that he hadn't gotten flowers for her before but, it had been a while and it wasn't something that came natural to him. She rewarded him with a beaming smile. "Thank you," she said quietly, taking the flowers, "they're beautiful."

John nodded back at her, getting lost in her eyes.

"Who's gonna watch us?" Liam asked bringing them both out of their trance.

Natalie set the flowers on the counter before answering. "Oh…uhm, Jody's going to be here. But first, we have to get baths and I thought Dad could help read some stories tonight so I could change," Natalie said, still looking at John while unbuckling Sean from his high chair and placing him on her hip.

"Awesome!" Liam shouted, "only, I don't take baths anymore, I take showers and I get to go last," Liam informed his dad.

"You take showers?" John looked at Natalie in surprise.

"He wanted to try it," she said with a one shouldered shrug, "he does a good job." John could see the sadness in her eyes. He was growing up so fast.

"Well," John said, "I suppose that kindergartners should probably take their own showers, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm not a baby," Liam said as he bounded out of the kitchen, John sat down in the chair that Liam had vacated, next to Laney when he heard the television turn on in the other room.

Natalie walked over to him and plopped Sean down in his lap with a small smile and began to pick up the kitchen.

He loved watching her move and the stretching and bending she was doing in those short shorts was certainly holding his attention. It had been so long since they'd been together. He missed her no question, he missed talking to her and these moments like this but, God he missed her body and making love to her. They'd had a very healthy sex life and it was starting to gnaw away at him. There was only so much he could do himself to take care of that urge.

He set Sean on his feet and John watched as he and Laney took off toward the living room.

Seeing that they were alone for the first time in a long time, John stood up and moved across the room.

Natalie was doing the dishes and was elbow deep in soapy water. John moved in behind her and pressed himself against her.

He heard her small surprised gasp as he ran his hands over her hips slowly then around her waist. Her hair was pull over one shoulder exposing the skin at her neck and John leaned down to place small kisses up and down her neck. Natalie pressed herself back against him. He knew she could feel how much he wanted her. Running a hand up her body to her breast, he could feel how hard her nipples were through her shirt.

"John", she moaned causing him to hold her even tighter and moan in response. John reached up with one hand to pull the strap of her tank down. "John", she said again louder.

"John!" Natalie said loudly, "did you hear me?"

John jumped, and blinked up in surprise. Looking around the kitchen he realized that he was still seated with Sean on his knee. 'Fuck', he thought.

"Uh, no sorry," John swallowed hard and cleared his throat, realizing he needed to get his body under control. He couldn't help but slowly run his eyes over her body one last time, "I was just thinking."

"Oh," Natalie said nervously, noticing the way he was looking at her. She could feel her body respond to his gaze, "I just wondered if you wanted something to drink?" She said crossing her arms over her chest hoping to hide her reaction to him.

"Oh uh, yeah...beer?" He said in a rough voice. He should get it himself he thought as he moved Sean over to his other knee but, he didn't want her to see the state he was in.

"Ok," she said reaching behind her to the refrigerator and pulling out one for him.

"I can finish in here if you want to take Sean up." She handed him the bottle and quickly turned to face the sink.

"Ok," John said, seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, he looked over to see his daughter swinging her head back and forth between her parents like she was watching a tennis match. He chuckled at her, kissed her forehead again and left the kitchen with Sean on his hip and a beer in his hand.

Once Sean and Laney had bathed and were in the pajamas John started the stories while Natalie set Liam up in the shower, then went her get herself changed.

Since John was in slacks she chose to wear a dress again. They hadn't talked about it but she hoped he didn't intend to take her back to The Palace. That place was nice and she loved Renee but, it just wasn't them. She never felt comfortable there.

She dug out her red heels that matched the red dress she wore and tucked them under her arm, grabbed her bag and headed out of the bedroom.

John was finishing up a story with Liam, so she quietly passed by the room and made her way downstairs to wait for him.

Natalie was grateful when Jody arrived at the same moment John descended the steps so they could leave immediately. She was hoping to avoid any awkward conversation right away.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

John's next choice for their date was as puzzling to Natalie as The Palace had been.

"Shelter?" She asked as they walked down the steps to the basement nightclub.

"Yeah, I know you wanted to come here before. Thought this would be a good time to check it out," he said.

"And I thought you wanted to gouge your eyes out with a spoon," she said, smiling as she remembered the first time they had discussed it.

"Well, I just thought we could try it. See it when it's not a crime scene," John said with a smile back.

"Hi guys, I never expected to see you in here," Blair said sliding up to them.

"Yeah me neither," Natalie mumbled, she'd never really been a fan of Blair's. The woman never did anything to Natalie but, just the fact that she was John's first wife still stung just a little. They weren't together back then and Natalie knew that John never loved Blair but, a woman can't help but be jealous sometimes. In recent years, Blair had been nothing but nice to Natalie. She really shouldn't feel this way.

"Well let's get you two some drinks," she said as she led them over to the bar.

They stood at the bar awkwardly drinking the beverages that Blair had served them and looking around at everyone dancing. It was almost too loud to talk but, Natalie managed to tell John in between songs and after their second drink, she was going to find the rest room and went in search of it at his nod.

She found herself in a back room which was obviously part of the nightclub but, not seen from the main room. She was no prude but, she was shocked at the level of….intimacy… some people got up to in public. Turning quickly to leave, Natalie found the exit blocked by someone and their entourage. She wondered if the man was famous, he wasn't anyone she recognized.

"Well," the man said walking up to her, "I would have preferred a blonde but, I've never done a red head before so I guess it's ok."

"Excuse me," Natalie said clearly offended.

"I don't pay you to talk honey," the man said, moving to stand entirely too close.

"You don't pay me to do anything, I think there has been some misunderstanding. If you'll excuse me,"

Natalie said as she tried to maneuver around the man and his buddies. She was definitely no shrinking violet but, there were far too many of them for her taste.

The man grabbed her arm as she passed him and pulled her back.

"I didn't say you could leave yet," the man said getting in her face.

"I didn't ask you if I could," Natalie said pulling her arm out of his hold, "get out of my way."

"A little fire," the man said running his eyes up and down her body, "isn't that what they say about red heads-"

"Look," Natalie said cutting him off with a chuckle, "my _husband_ is the commissioner of police in Llanview and my…aunt owns this place." Natalie stumbled around with the word 'aunt', Blair was married to Todd who was her uncle but, with John also having been involved with Blair in the past, it was hard to think of Blair as her 'aunt'. "I'm carrying mace and a taser. If you don't get out of my way, I am going to scream bloody murder and zap you with whichever I grab first."

"I would listen to her if I were you. She's a better shot than I am," John said from the doorway, He had his hand on his hip, pulling the side of his coat jacket open so all could see his badge and his service revolver.

"Hey man, no problems here," the man made a gesture indicating his buddies should move aside and let Natalie through. She glared at the men as she passed each one. Once outside the room, John stopped her.

"What were you thinking going in there?" He hissed.

"I got lost, I never found the bathroom. My God John, did you see the people in the corner? That girl was giving that guy a blow job right out in the open," Natalie said in a hushed voice, " I can't believe Blair would let stuff like that go on here."

He looked at her like she as so naïve, "what?" she asked.

He just sighed, "the bathrooms are the other way, back over there in the corner," he told her.

She furrowed her brow and caught him in a hard stare. 'Had he been here already without her?' She wondered.

"I saw them when we were down here talking to the staff when Dani had her overdose," he explained, knowing exactly what she was thinking.

"Oh, right," she said meekly, then started in the direction he'd said the restrooms were in. John made his way back to the bar to wait for her.

"Can I get another beer, Blair?" He asked

"Sure," she said, reaching behind her for one, "did you find Natalie?" She asked as she handed him his drink.

"Yeah, she found her way to your back room," he said giving her a glare.

"Oh, sorry. I guess she got out ok?" She asked, he nodded and she continued, "that is our 'VIP room' it can get pretty wild in there sometimes."

"Yeah, no kidding," he mumbled as she walked away. He leaned his elbows on the bar and waited for

Natalie to come back so they could leave.

"Well, now I know I definitely wouldn't have ever imagined I'd see you in a place like this," John heard to his side.

Taking a deep breath, John turned to see Amy in a very, barely there dress. He couldn't imagine how her breast stayed contained in it. She placed a hand on his bicep and squeezed.

"How are you tonight Amy?" John said politely, trying to turn away from her. The girl definitely made him uncomfortable.

"So very lonely," she responded breathlessly, biting her bottom lip and moving even closer to him if that was possible. He could smell the alcohol on her breath. John tried to move his body away but, she followed with hers, "I'll let you buy me a drink," she said.

"I don't think that would be a good idea," he told her.

"Your right, shots get me drunk faster," she said with a wink and a giggle. She was clearly already drunk.

"Get your hands…off my husband," Natalie said from behind them both. John didn't think this night could get any worse. Amy spun around quickly but, John took another pull off his beer before turning to face his wife.

"Your husband? Word is, you two aren't even together anymore," Amy said snidely, "that makes him fair game."

Natalie just laughed. "You just really want me to kick your ass-" Natalie started toward the younger woman, laughing the words out but, there was definitely nothing funny about it.

John moved from the bar to step between them and slipped an arm around her waist quickly, turning her away from Amy.

"Let's dance," he said in her ear, walking away without a backward glance at his assistant.

"You want to dance? Now?" Natalie asked, still angry but she didn't pull away from him.

"It would be better than fighting," John said patiently, luckily there was finally a slower song playing that they could actually dance to.

"Maybe we should just go. This certainly isn't turning out how I'd thought it would," she said. She was disappointed.

"Just one dance come on," he said pulling her close and resting his cheek alongside her temple. He felt her relax after a moment. He waited knowing he would probably piss her off but, it had to be said. He pulled back a little to see her face.

"I realize that we are in a public setting and she was very clearly drunk but, I can't have you threatening another city employee. I need you in that lab, I can't have her filing a complaint against you," John said as gently as he could.

"A complaint about me?" Natalie said outraged, "she was way out of line," Natalie said starting to fume again. They were silent for a moment before he spoke.

"Was she?" John asked pulling back further to look her in the eye, "we are separated." He wasn't trying to hurt her but, it was the truth. He didn't want it to be and it was killing him.

Natalie looked up at him, she could see it in his eyes, "I think I'd like to go home now," she said softly, pulling out of his arms. She was clearly hurt by what he said.

"Ok," he said, he wasn't going to put up much of a fight. He wasn't going to apologize for what he said. They were in this situation because she wanted it this way.

Tonight was another disaster. If she wanted to go home, then he would take her home.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

Seeing them arrive home from their second date as agitated as they were after their first date, Jody again didn't linger. She hightailed it out the door as fast as she could.

"Did you pay her?" Natalie asked John as the door quickly swung closed behind Jody.

"No," he said, "didn't you?"

"Well, I was going to when we got back- I'll catch her tomorrow," Natalie said, she was exhausted. She flopped herself down on the couch, kicked off her shoes and closed her eyes.

John stood awkwardly next to the couch watching her. He wanted to carry her upstairs and put her to next to himself.

"Why don't you go up to bed," he said, "I'll lock up down here."

"I don't think I can move," she told him, tucking her feet up under her.

"Natalie….I'm sorry," John started to apologize.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," she sighed and waved her hand, indicating she didn't want to talk about it anymore.

After a moment he asked, "are you ok?"

"Yup," she said opening her eyes and grabbing the remote and flipping on the television, "there's beer in the fridge, you know, if you want one," she said, hoping he would leave but, wishing he would stay at the same time.

John hesitated, "well….a beer sounds good. I didn't get to finish mine earlier," he said before moving to the kitchen.

She was watching a movie when he returned. "Die Hard?" He asked, she knew it was one of his favorites.

"Body counts and explosions," she said in way of an explanation.

"My favorite kind of movie," he said settling in on the couch.

"I know," she responded with a smile.

By the time the movie was over, he had helped himself to two more beers and she was out like a light. He debated on leaving her on the couch or helping her upstairs. She was a sound sleeper most of the time.

John lifted her up into his arms and walked upstairs. The door to their bedroom was open and he placed her on top of the bed. He turned her slightly so he could reach the zipper in the back not realizing what he was had done until it was halfway off of her.

It was down to her hips when the black lace bra registered in his head. 'Fuck' he thought, knowing if he pulled the dress the rest of the way off she would be wearing the matching panties. That was just something she always did. Her bras and panties always matched, and he loved it and she knew it. Was she trying to kill him, he wondered. Was he trying to kill himself, he thought as he found himself pulling the dress off. He took her in, he missed her so much.

John watched as Natalie rolled toward his side of the bed and seemed to reach for him, she furrowed her brow and drew her hand back and tucked it under her face. He rubbed the back of his neck before bringing his hand around to rub his face willing his erection away. John reached for the afghan at the end of the bed and covered her up. He watched her for a moment longer before turning out the light and heading downstairs to set the alarm and see himself out. He was heading back to his room for a cold shower. A _very_ cold shower.

~jolie~

Natalie walked through the squad room the next morning looking for John. It was obvious when she woke up this morning he'd gotten her undress and into bed. She knew what she had been wearing and she knew just how much he loved it. It must have been hard to leave her alone last night. 'No pun intended' she thought to herself . She shook her head and giggled, 'how old are you Natalie?'

Seeing him through the window, he was already working on something. She knocked as she opened the door.

"Hey," she said walking in and closing the door behind her.

He looked up in surprise. "Hey," he said back. He didn't expect to see her first thing this morning considering the state of undress she knew he left her in last night.

"You're here early," he said.

"Yeah," she said with no explanation and setting a bag down in front of him, "I brought you breakfast. I doubt you eat it much these days."

"Uh, no I don't," he said, "thanks. You uh, you didn't need to do that."

"I wanted to. For…..falling asleep on you last night," she said looking away, blushing, "it was rude. You shouldn't fall asleep on your date."

He smiled at her, "you were tired. I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often."

"Well, thanks for….taking care of me," she looked nervously around, "I didn't expect to have had my dress off though." She chuckled softly as she looked back at him.

He looked at her now like all she had on was those black undergarments, his eyes smoldering intently. Natalie could almost feel the heat from them run over her body.

"It was hard to walk away," he said roughly, getting up and slowly walking around his desk to stand in front of her. "You looked….amazing. You know how I feel about that-"

"Yeah, I know," she wanted to throw herself into his arms.

"Did you…you know…do that on purpose?" He asked, his eyes boring into hers.

She smiled slowly, "no," she whispered and bit her lip.

He slowly closed the distance between them and slipped one of his hands around hers.

"Natalie, I miss you so much. I want you so much," he whispered, tucking her hair around her ear with his free hand. He cupped her cheek and pulled her face closer.

"John," Natalie whispered back, she knew he was going to kiss her, she could see it in his eyes. She wasn't going to stop him. She closed her eyes and waited but, at that moment his office door banged open.

"Morning Mr. McBain. Is there anything I can do for you this morning?" Natalie heard Amy's shrill voice behind her. That nasally, irritating high pitched voice actually bugged her more than Evangeline's did back in the day. Natalie opened her eyes to see John's face grimace. He hadn't dropped her hand but, he had moved back some.

"No thanks Amy, not yet. I'll let you know," he said dismissing her. He looked back at Natalie. She smiled sadly at him over the moment they lost.

"Ok, well, I'll be out here then," Amy said loudly turning and walking out the door and purposefully leaving it open.

"She's not gone yet?" Natalie mumbled angrily through her teeth.

"She is now," John said stepping back, he let go of her hand and half sat half leaned on his desk.

"How is she not hung over this morning? John, she cannot be working out. Seriously," Natalie said looking at John like he had lost his mind.

"She _is_ doing her job. I can't fire her over nothing. Or because you don't like her, it's not legal," he smiled as he told her wishing he could find something that would give him cause to let her go. "She is dressed better today though," he said.

Natalie turned her head so she could look out the door at the younger woman. "Her pants are practically painted on her," she said turning back to John.

"But….it's pants and I'll take it," John said pushing himself off his desk and moving back around it to sit down.

"So she does make you uncomfortable then?" Natalie asked sounding like she wasn't so sure.

"Of course she does. Why would you even ask me that?" John looked up at her while taking a drink of the coffee she brought him.

"How?" Natalie asked confused as to where she was even going with this.

"There are so many reason…I can't even count," he said surprised that she was asking him these questions.

"Like what?" Natalie asked.

He couldn't figure out what Natalie was after exactly. "Like what? Like….because…she's like twelve. And an employee, and….blonde," He said stammering. It was all those things but, there was just something he couldn't put his finger on, the young woman just made him very uncomfortable.

Natalie's eyebrows rose in surprise, "blonde?" She questioned.

"Yeah," he said, "you know….I don't like blondes."

"Yeah, you don't like blondes," she said. "Blair, Marty and Kelly," she said sarcastically, giving him a glare before turning and walking out of the office, closing the door behind her harder than she'd intended. She didn't know why that answer bothered her but, it did.

'What the hell just happened,' John sat wondering for a moment.

By the time John caught up to her, she was almost to the lab.

"Hey, hey, hey wait," he was a little out of breath from running up the stairs.

Natalie turned at the sound of his voice but, didn't say anything.

"Listen, I've changed a lot over the years. I'm trying to be more open and I'm trying to use more words like you want but, the bottom line is….I'm still that clueless guy that doesn't know what women mean when they say stuff like that," he smirked at her and when she didn't respond he continued, "I don't know what just happened back there. Why are you angry?"

Natalie had no idea why she was mad, and that made her angrier. "Look, I have to get to work. Can we do this later?" She turned and left him standing alone in the hall.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 7

It had been gnawing at her all day. Why _had_ she gotten so angry this morning? She couldn't put it into words.

With Liam staying the night with Gabe over at Michael and Marcy's, Natalie called her mother to tell her she would be a little late tonight to pick up Laney and Sean. She found herself at his door. He was in a different room on a different floor but, the sense of déjà vu was overwhelming.

She closed her eyes and stood remembering all the times she come to his door. Sometimes in anger, sometimes in concern, sometimes just because she wanted him.

Natalie had to take several deep, cleansing breaths before she could knock on the door. He pulled the door open quickly and they stood staring at each other for a moment. She wondered if he could feel it too. His dark dress shirt was untucked, and the top few buttons were undone.

"Hey," he said finally, furrowing his brows, "is something wrong?"

"No, I um…I just wanted to talk to you for a minute," she said, "are you busy?"

"No," he made a gesture for her to enter the room. She looked around curiously. She hadn't been there before, "wow, this is a lot nicer than the one you had before. Well….bigger I suppose."

"Yeah, I mean….place is still a dump but, if I'd known Roxy had better rooms….I would have gotten you one when we got together. I'm sorry about that," he said. He hated that he had made her live in that damn room for so long. He should have treated her better back then.

"That's ok," she smiled at him, "I didn't mind."

"I know," he said quietly.

They stood awkwardly for a moment, both lost in their thoughts until Natalie seemed to realize she was there for a reason.

"I just wanted to apologize for today," she said twisting her wedding ring.

"Today?" He asked, wanting to make sure they were talking about the same thing.

"Yeah, for getting mad for…well, I don't know what for I guess. That was part of the problem," she let out a half chuckle nervously.

"You don't know why you were mad?" John asked her suspiciously.

"I guess not. You said that and all of those….women flashed through my head and I guess…it just…..bothered me," Natalie said not meeting his eye, "I don't know why."

John nodded and waited for her to continue.

"It's just….you left me for Marty and you left me for Kelly and Blair is…kinda related to me…" she let her voice drift off. She looked down at her fingers twisting her wedding rings.

"I didn't _leave_ you for Marty-"

"You pushed me away…..every chance you got and sought her out! You ran to her with our problems," She said her voice raising.

_"__You_ said we should break up," he said angrily, moving around her to the other side of the room, "I was an ass and let you, I didn't try to stop you and that is on me."

"Well….whatever," she mumbled, looking everywhere but at him. She had always felt like it was inevitable that John and Marty would be together, he turned more and more toward Marty and away from Natalie at the time. She had thought that if they took a break, he would find his way back to her eventually. He had finally said he loved her didn't he? Natalie just never thought it would take so long.

"No not 'whatever'. You wanted a reason to be mad at me today. That's it. You want to stay mad at me so you're looking for reasons," he was getting angry, "you want to stay mad at me so it's easier for you."

"Easier for me? Are you kidding me? Nothing about this is easier for me," she said, getting angry herself, "nothing's been easier for me since you walked out."

"And there it is, now we're getting to it," he said sarcastically, rubbing a hand over his face before settling his hands on his hips.

"What?" She asked confused.

"You want to stay made at me so badly that you're not even trying to forgive me. You bring this up every time we have a disagreement," he said.

"You act as though you didn't do anything wrong and that it's my fault we're in this situation," she argued.

"No, oh no sweetheart, I am completely aware of the fact that this is entirely my fault but, we also agreed we were going to try to work this out. That we wanted to be together. You're not even trying," he said frustratedly, passing her by to cross the room again, "you didn't want to be pushed, I didn't push you. You weren't ready to talk about it, so I've tried not to bring it up. Now you're trying to stay angry at me so you don't have to deal with this."

"I don't want to stay angry at you," she said, her voice betraying her, trembling slightly. She didn't sound as confident as she had hoped.

"No?" he asked turning to face her, knowing he would be able to see a lie in her eyes.

After a moment she finally conceded. "Ok," she shook her head and turned away from him, "maybe I do, a little. But, I'm scared," she said quietly.

"Why?" He asked her.

"Because," she spun around, the words stuck in her throat, "because…every time I relax and start to give in to this feeling of contentment with you….you rip my heart out," she said, a sob escaping, "something is always more important."

"Nothing is more important that you and the kids…nothing," John said, quietly wanting nothing more that to reach for her.

"It doesn't feel that way," she placing her hand over her eyes to stop her tears or hide them she wasn't sure."God John, do you have any idea what it feels like to constantly feel like hurt and heartache are sitting right around the corner waiting jump out at you? When the next more important thing comes along that will pull you away from us. To have everything you've ever dreamed of ripped away from you. To be completely gutted-"

"Yeah I do," he said cutting her off, he was thinking of the day he found that Liam wasn't his. Thank god that was wrong.

"You ran after…the woman you love," she was openly crying now, tears running down her face. He could see how much he hurt her.

"I _love_ you. And there's nothing I can do to convince you otherwise or that it won't happen again," he told her quietly.

Natalie turned to leave and John's hand shot out grabbing her forearm and pulling her to him. His lips claimed hers firmly and she couldn't resist him. Before either of them knew how it happened or when it happened they were on the couch making out like teenagers. Their hands roaming under each other's clothes. He pushed her back against the arm of the couch, pressing himself into her. He ran his hand down her leg, then back up and under her blouse.

"John," she whispered.

"I love you," he said in response, continuing down her neck.

"We can't….I can't…" she let her voice trail off. John froze and took a deep breath, trying to control his body.

"What's wrong?" He asked her gently.

She shook her head and said in a small voice, "I'm not ready."

He nodded in understanding, "ok," he said resting his head against hers waiting for their heartbeats to slowdown and their breathing return to normal.

"I'm sorry-"

"No," he said quickly, "no, don't be. Just…..tell me what to do." He pulled back and looked into her eyes.

"I do love you," she said bringing her hand to his cheek, "so much. I'm so confused. I just can't seem to understand, no matter how hard I want to," She paused before continuing, "I keep telling myself that you love me too-"

"I do-"

"-but, I keep thinking….if you loved me….you wouldn't have left us like that. The things that you said-"

"You had to believe me-"

"-are every insecurity I've ever had about us." She finished in a rush and smacked his arm lightly, "stop

interrupting me."

He just nodded. Reaching for her hand, he kissed her fingers. They were both quiet for a moment.

"You weren't going to stay remember? Uncle Bo offered you that job but, you were going to leave anyway. You wanted to stay with the FBI. I always wondered if you regretted that," she said looking up at him.

"You said I should stay, and I realized that night at Capricorn, that I wanted to stay. I didn't know why at the time. I thought it was because of Michael, and Shannon and my mom but, I knew….the moment I found you in that pit that I only ever stayed because of you. My mom and Shannon left…..Michael left eventually too but, you were still here. You've always been here."

He kissed her slowly again at first, placing his hand behind her head to pull her even closer so he could deepen it. After a moment, she pushed him away gently. "Stay," he said softly, kissing across her cheek to that spot behind her ear.

"I have to go get the kids, it's late," she looked down, hiding her eyes so he couldn't see how badly she wanted to stay.

He sighed deeply before scooting away from her. He didn't let go on her hand though.

"I know…I guess I just got caught up," he smiled at her, "sorry."

She shook her head, and smiled back, "don't be. I'm so confused on the inside…..and angry….I'm not sure how to feel-"

"I know," he said rubbing his thumb over her hand, "I understand."

They sat quietly again before she placed her free and over his where he held her other. "You should…uh….you know that Liam starts school the day after tomorrow," she said, wiping the last of her tears off her face.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "big day for all of us."

"Yeah, maybe you should come over for dinner tomorrow. I think he would really like it if we were all together tomorrow night. He's acts like he isn't nervous but…well, maybe he isn't but, I am," she squeezed his hand, "I would like us all to be together."

"How 'bout if I bring dinner?" He said.

"Even better," she replied with a light chuckle. She hesitated, unsure if she should say what she was thinking.

"What is it? You can tell me anything," he said sensing she wanted to say something.

She looked up into his eyes, trying to show him all that she was feeling in that one look, "I _am_ trying to understand. Just….please don't give up on me," she whispered.

He reached forward with is free hand and moved her hair off her forehead before leaning forward and

placing a soft kiss there.

"Never," he whispered.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8

"-and….I guess that's it," Liam had just finished going through the contents of his new backpack for school with his father.

"Well, that's a lot of stuff just for kindergarten," John told him, surprised at the list of stuff they had to buy.

"Yeah but, we'll be doin' lots of stuff too. It's _school_ Dad," Liam reasoned, his eyes wide and excited for the next day.

John looked at his oldest son, the memories of his first year flooding his mind. If Natalie hadn't found that paternity test and remembered why she was at his place the night Marty pushed her off the roof, things could be so different now. They were incredibly lucky to have gotten this second chance.

'Second chance', John snorted, 'more like thirty-ith chance'.

"You ok?" Natalie asked as she set the table. Liam had run off to put his backpack away and John hadn't moved. She wondered what was running through his mind.

"Yeah, just….thinking," he stood up and helped her finish before getting the kids from the other room.

Tonight felt just like it did before he screwed up his life. Listening to Liam chatter on about school the next day. John and Natalie barely getting words in edgewise in the face of his excitement but, sharing smiles over the table at his antics. Baths or in Liam's case, a shower and stories followed at bedtime. Once everyone was settled Natalie followed John downstairs.

"Do you want to meet at the school tomorrow or would you…I mean…I could come get all of you and we could all ride together?" John suggested hopefully.

"I don't know," Natalie hedged, "I mean, we'd have to drop the other kids off at my mother's and then you'd have to bring me home at some point to get my car. I have to run some errands over my lunch tomorrow."

"Well, you could take my truck, I mean…it belongs to both of us…it's _our_ truck," he said, "I could bring you home after work." He wasn't ashamed to admit he wanted to spend some more time with all of them. "And, then I could hear all about Liam's day….I could even spring for dinner again," he offered.

Natalie could see right threw him but, had to admit she enjoyed tonight. It felt normal again.

"How 'bout this," she said, "I'll drop the kids off at mom's and meet you at the station at seven thirty. We'll both drop Liam off in the morning. I can run my errands over lunch and you won't be tied down at the station or having to drive a city car." She could tell he was disappointed but, she wasn't finished. She smiled when she said, "you come over after work…enough of the take out though, I'll cook."

John's eyes lit up, "yeah? You'll cook?" He missed her cooking, too.

"Yeah," she said smiling, knowing exactly what he was going to request.

"Macaroni and cheese….and meatloaf…maybe," he smiled shyly, "you wouldn't happen to have pie would you?"

"Macaroni and cheese and meatloaf and how about you bring the pie," she smiled back.

"A store bought pie?" He asked grimacing comically.

"I do not have time to make a pie, sorry," she laughed, it felt good to laugh with him again.

"Ok," he nodded, shoving his hands in his back pockets, he nodded once."It's a date," he said seriously.

She mirrored his stance and said just as seriously, "yes, it is."

"Good night Natalie," he said forcing his hands to stay where they were, not realizing she was having to do the same thing.

"Good night John," she said as she watched him turn and leave his home. To return to a dingy hotel room.

There was a voice in her head telling her it wasn't right.

"Shut up," she muttered as she went to lock the door and set the alarm.

The next few weeks flew by in a blur. Liam settled in at school and John was spending every evening at home with his family. John and Natalie hadn't had any time for themselves since they talked in his room at the hotel. Every night after the kids were in bed, he left. Without being asked to, without lingering, without kissing her again and it was driving both of them crazy.

~jolie~

Natalie walked into the library at Llanfair with Liam trailing behind her with his nose in a book.

"Hi mom," Natalie said. Her voice alerting her two youngest children to her presence. Laney rushed over to her mother and Natalie watched as Sean struggled to try to get to his feet. He should be practically running around by now. While he did pretty well if you set him on his feet, getting up and walking seemed to be a challenge. Michael kept telling her kids develop at different rates and she shouldn't worry.

"Hi sweetheart," her mother before going to greet Liam with a hug.

"How was your day," Viki asked, finally giving Natalie a hug in welcome.

"It was alright, how were things here?" Natalie asked picking Sean up and placing a kiss on his cheek.

"We had a wonderful afternoon. Your father came home for lunch and we ate out on the patio," Viki said, "it will most likely be one of the last warm enough days for that." Viki stood at the window and looked out,

Natalie walked over to stand by her side.

"Yeah, it should start getting colder soon," Natalie replied sadly.

Viki turned to look at her daughter, trying to read her face.

"And how is John?" Viki asked.

Natalie smiled and turned her blushing face away, "good too, I guess. He has to work late tonight on something so he won't get to see the kids before they go to bed." He had told her right before she left to pick up Liam that he wouldn't be able to make it by that night. She could see how disappointed he was in his eyes.

"Oh well, he does have an important job," her mother commented, "is there anything preventing you from stopping by with the children to say good night?"

Natalie looked at her mother in surprise, before setting Sean down on the floor next to the other kids. "No, I don't suppose. I'm surprised you would suggest it though really, " Natalie turned to look at her children playing together on the floor behind them, "I didn't think you approved of the kids being down at the station."

"Well, not on a regular basis no," Viki said giving a small laugh, "but, I hardly think stopping by to say goodnight to their father constitutes regular visits."

"No I suppose not," Natalie said, suddenly struck by the idea. He would probably love to see them for a few minutes, "maybe we will stop by after dinner and do that. We could bring him something to eat," Natalie smiled at her mother.

Viki smiled back and said, "good, then you can stay here for dinner."

"I knew you had an interior motive," Natalie chuckled.

"Well…Miss Laney will be leaving us soon for big girl preschool and I will just be left with my sweet little Sean," Natalie swore she saw her mother tear up but, her voice never betrayed her, "I have to spend as much time with them as I can."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 9

John's assistant's desk was empty when Natalie and the kids walked into the hall where John's office was. John didn't usually require Susan or Amy to stay late when he did so she didn't find that unusual. She knocked once before opening the door.

"Yeah!" She heard John yell from inside, she turned the knob and threw the door wide open. John was sitting behind his desk seemingly working on the computer. To say he looked surprised would be an understatement. He looked almost sick. He stood up and started to make his way around his desk.

"Hey," she said as Liam and Laney ran in and threw their arms around John's legs and waist.

"Hey," he replied nervously, "what are you doing here?" He quietly greeted both of his older children.

Natalie was taken aback by his reception of them. While holding Sean on her hip with one arm, a take-out bag in that hand, she swung the door closed behind them with the other before answering.

"Well, I thought…you seemed disappointed you had to work tonight so I thought I would bring the kids by to say good night to you," she furrowed her brow, held up the sack and asked, "we brought you dinner. Is that a problem?"

"No," he said quickly, "no, I just….wasn't expecting you. That's all."

"Hey dad," Liam said, he had jumped up into John's chair and was spinning it in circles, "did you catch any bad guys today."

"Uh, no, not today," John said walking over and stopping the chair so Liam didn't either get sick or accidentally hit his sister who was standing close by.

"Is something wrong?" Natalie asked setting the sack down on his desk. John sure was acting strange, he certainly wasn't happy to see them.

"No, like I said, I just wasn't expecting you guys to show up here without calling first," John said rubbing the back of his neck, clearly a little upset.

"We wanted to surprise you," Natalie said, starting to get irritated herself, "if I'd called, it wouldn't have been a surpr-"

"I'm back!" Amy suddenly burst through the door, "oh, I'll give you a minute but, our dinner is ready so don't be long or it will get cold." Amy giggled before turning and leaving, closing the door behind her.

Natalie felt as though she had been slapped. Her eyes that had never left John's face when Amy blew in, narrow into a glare.

"Our dinner?" Natalie repeated, not getting a response from John, she decided coming here was a mistake, "come on guys," she said in a deceptively calm voice, "let's go."

"Aw, do we have to," Liam whined from John's chair.

"Yes, we do," Natalie's eyes still hadn't left John's face. He still looked sick but, other than that his expression was unreadable to her.

"Natalie," he said.

"Shut up…..just shut the hell up," she hissed. She grabbed Laney's hand and walked to the side door making sure when she left she wouldn't have to see the slut at the desk outside the other door or their cozy dinner for two.

"Come on Liam now," she said before she opened the door to the hall.

Liam's eyes filled with tears, and he said in a small voice, "but, I thought we were going to say good night to Dad?"

Natalie's eyes turned to a glare when she turned back to look at her husband, "then say good-bye to your father." John sighed as he noted the change of 'good night' to 'good-bye' as Liam and Laney rushed back to give him a hug and say good night. She grab Laney's hand, left without a backward glance as soon and the kids joined her at the door.

'Fuck', he thought. John had been so hungry that he had allowed Amy to run and grab him something to eat. He knew he shouldn't, he knew that it was only encouraging the girl but, she offered and he didn't have anyone else to spare to run that sort of stupid errand.

Hearing a knock on his office door, he stomped over to it and threw it open.

"Yeah?" He growled at the young officer.

"Lieutenant Fish said they are ready with the warrant, sir," the young man said nervously.

Thankful for something to occupy the next few hours, John grabbed his jacket, "let's go," he muttered on the way out the door.

"Sir, what about our dinner?" Amy said, she had spread out the burgers and fries on her desk obviously for the two of them.

"Thanks but, I'm not hungry anymore," he said turning and walking out himself not caring enough to look back to see the girl's reaction.

Sitting in a city vehicle with Fish and two other officers, he knew he couldn't but, John wanted to call her.

He knew she had the wrong idea and he needed to explain.

'Would it do any good, you've lost her trust'

'We had been getting closer, things were better'

'Yeah, for now. Until now'

'It was just a misunderstanding….as usual'

'Your entire relationship has been a series of misunderstandings'

'You didn't help, acting guilty'

He knew that it was going to blow up in his face the second he saw his family walk through the door. He could only hope she would listen once she calmed down. He'll have to talk to her tomorrow. She would be asleep by the time they completed this bust.

~jolie~

John hesitated at the door. Was he back to knocking? Should he let himself in? He opted in the end to let himself in. He'd been doing it for weeks already.

"Dad!" Liam greeted him as usual, "the Eagles play tonight, will you watch it with me?"

He sat down on the couch next to his son and gave his daughter a kiss on the forehead when she climbed up into his lap.

"Well, I'm not sure," he wanted to more than anything in the world, "but, I have to talk to Mom first ok?" His son nodded, "is mommy in the kitchen?" He whispered into his daughters ear. She giggled and nodded her head vigorously. "K, I'll be right back," he set Laney on her feet and went in search of his wife.

He found her in the kitchen pulling some sort of casserole out of the oven. John leaned against the door frame and watched her. He thought about the day they met, their relationships over the years…he knew she could cook, she had cooked for him a few times but, if anyone would have told him back then she would be cooking dinner every night, he's not sure he would have believed it. Sure she was more 'domesticated' now as they say but, so was he. On her it was just dead sexy.

He noticed Sean sitting in his highchair at the table, he also had his back to his father. Neither one of them had seem him.

"You know it creeps me out when you stand there and stare at me," she said with her back still to him. She'd never looked at him once, so he didn't know how she knew he was there.

"I love to watch your body move," he said smoothly, smiling at the cheesy-ness of what he said. He meant it but, it's didn't make it sound any better.

She snorted and turned around then, "seriously?" She said unsmiling, before turning back to the counter.

She set the dish on the table and returned to the counter to grab the rest of dinner, vegetables and rolls.

She continued to work like he wasn't in the room.

"Can we talk?" He asked hopefully.

"The kids are hungry and they're ready to eat," she said dismissing his request.

He moved forward and touched the top of his son's head before leaning over and giving the boy a kiss.

He noticed that she had set the table including him, unless of course she was expecting someone else.

"Can you go get them?" she asked. She still hadn't looked at him for more than a second since he got there.

Dinner was strained. Liam talked and talked about school and his new friends.

"-and we're going to sing in a Christmas show too. Only Miss Preston says we're supposed to call it a Holiday Program," he shrugged.

"Well, I think that is pretty common these days to call it that," John said looking at Natalie. She hadn't said much of anything since they sat down. And other than helping Laney or Sean eat she didn't really seem to pay any attention to anything else.

"If you're not done eating ," she addressed Liam, "you'd better hurry before that game starts." She stood up to clear the dishes.

"Natalie-" John started

"If you want to watch that with him, I can finish up in here," she interrupted, "there really isn't that much left to do except for what's on the table."

John sighed, taking his napkin he wiped Sean's face and unbuckled him from his chair. He carefully set the boy on his feet so he could walk on his own into the other room. He looked at Laney as she turned her big blue eyes to him, "you done?" She nodded and pushed herself away from the table and ran into the other room, "let's go buddy," he said to Liam who was still standing in the doorway. When he didn't move

John asked him, "what's wrong?"

Natalie turned around at that, not sure who he was talking too to see Liam looking back and forth between them.

"Liam?" She started to ask.

"Are you going to get a divorce?" He blurted out.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 10

Both John and Natalie froze. Neither knowing what to say or what to do. The three of them stood in awkward silence for a moment before Liam continued.

"Billy Bishop's parents got a divorce. He says it's cool cause he gets two of everything. Two Christmas', two birthdays….he even has two Playstations," Liam said. John quickly looked over at Natalie, he thought she looked like she would be sick. Her skin was green and pale at the same time. Seeing the state she was in, he forced himself to recover.

"Ah…well, no one has said anything about that yet," he sighed, "I don't think either of us want that but, I'll make you a deal. If your mom and I think that that is what is best for all of us….we won't do anything until we talk to you first. Ok?"

Liam looked stricken, John supposed that maybe while he sounded like he thought it was cool, Liam really wanted John to say that no, they weren't getting a divorce. 'Damn it', John thought, maybe he screwed this up.

"Listen, if we don't hurry we are going to miss kickoff," John said. Liam just nodded his head and turned to head into the living room.

Natalie sat down heavily in a chair, her heart hadn't started back up yet. Tears swam in her eyes. She wasn't prepared for Liam's question. He wouldn't have asked it unless he had been stressing over it. The thought of causing any of her kids stress and worry….Natalie put her face in her hands.

"You ok?" She heard John ask.

"No," she said quickly, taking her hands away and looking up at him. He looked at her hard for a moment before turning and following Liam out into the other room.

Natalie sat there for a long time before leaving the kitchen as it was and going into the other room. Standing in the dining room, she could see out into the living room. She had been so focused on what John did and how it made her feel, she never once that she could recall gave a thought to how her children felt without their father living at home. They had seemed fine, they went with him happily and came home happily.

As she watched them she realized that the last thing she wanted was a divorce. She still couldn't understand the hurt he'd caused them….no her.

'Or is that your pride' she thought. She found herself walking into the living room and joining them.

"Mom!" Liam said excitedly, "the Eagles are up by ten already. Boy the Rams suck."

"Hey," John said sternly, "don't talk like that."

"Well, their defense stinks," Liam said in return.

"Yeah it does….but, don't say the word 'suck'," John said without taking his eyes off the screen. Laney was curl up in his lap with a boy on either side of him. It felt incredibly normal. It felt right. She must have been staring because he looked over and caught her.

"You ok?" he asked her for the second time tonight. She could only nod and turn her eyes to the television. She let them all be for a while before taking them up one by one for baths until it was Liam's turn in the shower.

"But, I am going to miss the end," he whined.

"I'm sorry but, you have school tomorrow," Natalie said smiling sadly at him.

John wasn't sure what had come over her but, since she came down from giving Sean a bath to get Laney, her mood had definitely changed. She was still unusually quiet but, he could tell she felt more relaxed.

"Well….what if we DVR'd it, then we could watch the end of it tomorrow night?" John suggested. Liam agreed but, he certainly wasn't happy about it.

"Let's go get in the shower," Natalie told him, "John, I'm sure Laney is ready for her story." She looked at him for as far as he knew the first time all night.

"Yeah, ok," he said as he got up to follow them upstairs.

They came down the stairs together. This was usually where he left.

"Thanks for your help tonight," Natalie said quietly, turning to head into the kitchen, "I uhm…I have to finish the kitchen. I just kind of left it earlier."

"I'll help you," John said.

"You don't have to do that," she said quickly, stopping to look at him.

"I know. I want to," he shrugged one shoulder. They stood looking at each other for a moment before Natalie slowly turned and made her way back into the kitchen. As they started to clear the table Natalie thought this was a good time to bring up the night before.

"Um…listen, I wanted to tell you that…..I'm sorry," she blurted out nervously.

"For what?" John asked confused. As far as he was concerned he was the only one that had anything to apologize for.

"For getting upset last night," she sighed and stopped what she was doing to look at him directly, "I guess I was a little….I don't know jealous or something."

"You were jealous?" He never expected her to say that, he narrowed his eyes at her and waited for her to explain.

"I guess what that tramp said, kind of…I don't know, made me see," Natalie huffed, "and she was right. We are separated and you would be within your right to find someone else if you wanted to."

John snorted in disbelief, "I've been doing my best to prove to you that I don't want anyone else. When are you going to see that?" He ran a hand threw his hair, "especially someone like that."

Natalie scrunched up her nose. "Yeah, she really isn't your type," Natalie tilted and looked at him through her narrowed eyes, "you don't really have a type though, do you?" She said trying to lighten the mood she created earlier.

He laughed and leaned up against the island counter, "I wouldn't say that. I think I have a type."

"Yeah? Like what?" She finished putting the last dish in the dishwasher, "Blair, Marty and Kelly are all blondes, Kaitlin is a brunette, Evangeline-"

Cutting her off before she could say more, "well, I am pretty partial to red-heads with banging bodies," he smiled looking her up and down.

"U-huh, that's why the only red-head I've ever seen you with is me?" Natalie turned on the dishwasher and leaned against it facing him.

"I had to take the others out for a test run," John said gently with a cocky smile, "make sure."

"Right," Natalie said sarcastically, she couldn't decide on whether or not to be mad at him for that crack or not.

"Well, there happens to be a little red-head upstairs that I am pretty partial to," he said sincerely.

"That little red-head upstairs has you right where she wants you," Natalie said with a chuckle, "I've never seen a man more wrapped around his daughter's finger." She finished with a little awe in her voice.

"Told you," he said pointing to himself, "partial to red-heads."

Natalie just shook her head at him.

"I guess it's because," John sighed, turning serious, "whenever I look at her….I see you. As a child. And I know you had it rough and….I just want to make sure that she never….You know, I've wondered before if, back when I was a rookie walking a beat, if maybe…I passed you, ever. On the boardwalk or on the street somewhere. And I could have helped you and I didn't. And so, I look at her and I see you and I want to make her life comfortable and reliable and safe. I want that for all of them. For them to feel safe."

"They do…feel safe with you," Natalie said quietly. "You know, I've wondered that too. If we had ever crossed paths and never knew it," she smiled wistfully at a spot over his shoulder, "wouldn't that have been something."

They both stood lost in their thoughts.

"Hey," he said pulling her attention to him, "you could barely look at me earlier but, then when you came down to get Liam, something had changed. What happened?"

"Oh," Natalie smiled at him, "Sean pulled himself up off the floor while I was getting him dressed. He just took off." She knew something was wrong with him. He should be running and talking and so many other things at his age. He would be two in a little over six months, "everything else seemed silly after that."

"I'm sorry I missed that," John said smiling back.

"He'll do it again," she said nodding-sure of it. He nodded back.

"I have an idea," he said after a moment.

"Yeah," Natalie said curiously, "am I going to like it?"

"Well, I hope so," he said, "I want to try to go out again."

Natalie grimaced, "I don't know, that hasn't worked out to well for us if you recall."

"No, I know but, this time will be different," he said, "I promise."

As much as she wanted to say no, she was enjoying them all spending time together at home she found herself suddenly saying, "ok." The smile he gave her, she thought, could light up the kitchen.

As he was leaving that night he stopped in the open doorway and turned to her.

"Ok, so tomorrow night. I'll call Jody. Wear jeans," he said looking down at her.

"You're watching a football game tomorrow night," she pointed out with a smile on her face.

"Oh, right…damn, well the night after then," he smiled back.

"Jeans? So casual. No Palace or Shelter?-"

"No," he said quickly interrupting her, "no Palace and no Shelter."

"Oh, well I like it already," she teased, smiling up at him. He moved forward and kissed her quickly and firmly on the mouth surprising her. And then he was gone.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 11

Natalie was surprised to find herself strolling into Rodi's two nights later, Natalie smiled. "Rodi's?" she looked at him, "Rodi's is our date?" She was surprised he would think of it.

"Well…yeah, I thought we could play some pool, have a few beers," he said as he looked around their bar.

"We could have drank beer and played pool at home," she said raising her eyebrows at him.

"Yeah but, this place is special to us, you know. We've spent a lot of time here over the years," he said thinking and remembering, "Liam was conceived on that pool table-"

"Shhh, not so loud-" laughing, she slapped him playfully while looking around and hoping no one heard him.

"-and I suspect maybe Sean?" he half asked in a quieter voice, laughing with her and grabbing the hand she had placed on his chest when she slapped at him.

"No, the island in the kitchen is a better bet with that one," she smiled up at him.

"Good to know," he mumbled as he placed a hand on her back and steered her toward the bar. Leaning low next to her ear he said in a soft voice, "and Laney on the living room couch."

Stopping to turn and looked at him, Natalie laughed and said, "who needs a bed."

They got lost in each other for a moment. Natalie, recovering first, grabbed his hand and pulled gently to resume their trek across the room.

"This is more like it," she said as they reached the bar.

"Hey guys," Destiny greeted them, "everything is running smoothly so if you're here to check on me-"

"No," John interrupted her, "we're not here to check up on you."

"We're on a date," Natalie supplied proudly to her friend.

Destiny and Natalie's friendship had grown over the last few years. Despite the difference in their ages, they had been through a lot of the same things with Matthew and John last year. John and Natalie had come to rely on Destiny to run Rodi's more and more. Destiny was gaining valuable experience running the bar and restaurant. And the raises she receives each time she gets new responsibilities has given her a great deal of freedom. Living on her own with her young son had matured her beyond her years.

"You're on a date?" Destiny asked skeptically looking between them, "at your own joint?" At John's smug nod she replied, "that's cheap boss man."

Natalie laughed as John's face fell. "See," he said, "maybe we should have gone to Capricorn?"

"No," Natalie said quickly, "I mean, I like it there. We've been there a million times but, this…" she turned and spread her arms wide indicating the place as a whole, "this is us. This is truly who we are. And I am going to kick your butt tonight."

"Couple beers please Des," John said.

"And a big basket of fries," Natalie said, catching Destiny's eye and miming just how big she wanted the basket to be, "big…" Natalie said again in a low voice and gave Destiny a wink. Destiny laughed on her way to put in Natalie's order. John shook his head at her as they made their way over to a table in the back corner next to the pool table.

She was up two games to one when Natalie saw her walk in. Natalie rolled her eyes and took a drink of her beer waiting while John took his shot to say, "my God, she is everywhere. Did she fit you with GPS or something?"

John turned to look behind him, "shit," he mumbled, "I don't know. Maybe she won't see us?" John said looking hopeful. 'Should have known better,' John thought as Amy strolled over to the pool table.

Natalie was instantly pissed.

"Hi Mr. McBain," she pressed herself into the pool table opposite John, leaning on both arms. Natalie guessed it was because it made her boobs stick out. A bubble of laughter erupted from Natalie. John looked at her in alarm, wondering what it was that was so funny or if Natalie was going to kill Amy.

"Sorry," Natalie mouthed.

This was too much. Natalie walked to the wall and put her stick up and walked very calmly to the table she and John had been using and sat down. She proceeded to nurse her beer, dig back into the fries that had laid forgotten and waited. She was going to watch this train wreck and let John get himself out of it.

It was cruel she knew but, he didn't seem to appreciate her getting involved before, so he was on his own. John watched Natalie settle herself in the chair and realized she was stepping back. He was glad at first. He'd asked her to do that but, as he turned back to where Amy stood, posed ridiculously half on and half off the pool table, he suddenly panicked.

"Hey there, how you doing?" He asked politely.

"Thirsty," she replied. Natalie wondered if this actually worked on guys Amy's own age. 'It must,' she thought.

"Well, they should be able to help you up at the bar," John said and set himself up to take another shot.

He realized after that, the shot he took moved him down the table. He groaned inwardly. Looking at Natalie as he passed her. She sat calmly in her chair, her head bouncing back and forth between the two.

"Are you enjoying this?" He mumbled passing her.

"Immensely," she mumbled back, a huge grin on her face.

When he got to the end of the table to take his next shot, Amy didn't move.

"Excuse me," he said politely.

"Oh, yeah sure," she said moving over maybe an inch. John sighed, and looked up at Natalie once again, seeing no help from her he turned to face Amy straight on. He was going to have to say something.

"Look Amy," John started gently, "as you can clearly see, my wife Natalie and I are trying to enjoy our evening alone and relax. So if you don't mind…" He let his voice trail off. He was sure the young girl would move on.

"You're really good. Do you play a lot?" Amy said, twirling a curl around her finger. Natalie placed a hand over her face, she was embarrassed _for_ the young girl.

"Oh jeez," Natalie said as she stood up and walked over to where John and Amy stood facing off. "Excuse me," Natalie said pointedly at the girl, then turned and taking John's face in both her hands, pulled him to her.

The kiss was instantly hard and deep. Her tongue sweeping through his mouth again and again urging him to participate. John stood stock still in shock for a beat before dropping the pool cue to the floor with a clatter and grabbing Natalie by the waist and pulling her body closer so roughly that she had to wrap her arms around his neck to keep from losing her balance.

This was the first kiss she had initiated since they'd separated. Slowly, he came to hear the cheers and whistles as he took control of the kiss from her. John pulled away from her so abruptly that she was dizzy for a moment.

"Alright, everybody out! Get out we're closed-"

Destiny hearing this interrupted, "What? No! No, no no," she ran to the entrance to shoo people back to their tables, "no we're not closed. He's joking. I'll bring you all another drink. Sit, sit. I'll bring you a refill, he's not serious. No have a seat," She was saying as she made her way over to John and Natalie who were kissing once again. "Hey boss man, you can't do that," she said tapping him on the shoulder to try to pull his attention from Natalie.

"I am perfectly serious and I am not joking. I own this place. I can do whatever I want. Tell them we are closed," he couldn't take his eyes off Natalie.

A smile spread across her face and she bit her lip. He matched her smile and bent his face toward hers but, they were interrupted by an angry Destiny.

"No, you put me in charge for a reason. The fronts not clean, the kitchen isn't clean," lowering her voice she hissed, "and do you have any idea how many tabs we have running right now?" She finally got his attention, "no if you two want to be alone, you need to leave."

"We need to leave," he mumbled to Natalie, she nodded back at him.

"We need to leave," she parroted breathlessly.

"Yes, you guys…..need to leave," Destiny said laughing as she moved across the room checking on customers.

John left one arm banded across Natalie's back to her hip as he moved the few steps to their table. He quickly grabbed her purse and their jackets and moved them across the room to the door, generating a new round of whistles and cat calls. Natalie wasn't even sure her feet touched the floor when they reached the door. By the time they go to the truck she was laughing so hard she was having trouble breathing.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 12

"Oh my God did you see the look on Destiny's face," she laughed.

"I was serious," he said back quickly starting up his truck.

"I know you were," she said sobering, "where're we going?"

"Surprise," John said with a grin starting the truck and throwing it in gear.

"Hey, where did Amy go?" Natalie asked, realizing she hadn't seen the girl after Destiny broke them apart.

"I…..I don't know," John said laughing, throwing Natalie back into a fit of giggles.

Walking into the Angel Square Hotel, Natalie wondered what it was that John was thinking.

"It's not what you think," he said quickly with a smirk.

"I wasn't thinking anything…I was wondering what you were thinking," she said with a smile.

"Surprise," he said and disappeared around the counter and grabbed a bag.

"Yeah, you mentioned that," she mumbled watching him.

"Come on," he grabbed her hand and lead her up the stairs, when they passed his floor it dawned on her where they were going.

She froze going through the door.

"Oh hey, I'm sorry. I didn't think-" He suddenly felt like an ass. Why did he think she would want to come up here after what happened the last time.

"No," she smiled at him. What was her damn problem she thought, "I have more good memories than that one bad one." She walked to the center of the roof and took a deep breath of the night air.

"We can leave if you want," he said.

"No," she said quietly, "I want to stay." They stood looking at each other for a moment, and finally she said, "what's in the bag?"

"Oh right," John said walking over to the table and setting the bag down. He pulled out a blanket, red and orange stripped, which she recognized immediately. It had always been in his room on that horrible orange couch and he pulled out a radio.

"Let's hope we can find some music that isn't too obnoxious," he said as he fiddled with the dial. Finally settling on a station, "well…it isn't jazz." He said sheepishly.

"It's not too bad," she said as she spread out the blanket for them.

"Wait," he said before she sat down. She looked up at him only to see that he had his hand out. She smiled and took his hand.

They danced slowly to the seventies/eighties light rock music that he'd found. She didn't know how many songs they had danced through but, she laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Completely giving over to the feeling of being in his arms again. The way he smelled and the way they fit together. It was perfect.

Natalie jolted at that thought. 'Where did that come from?' She wondered. She hadn't had that thought since before they were separated. He'd hurt her so deeply.

John felt her jump, "what is it?" He whispered.

"Nothing," she said, smiling sadly as she pulled away from him, "just maybe too much dancing."

She moved over to the blanket and sat down. He slowly followed sitting closely next to her. One knee bent up so he could rest his arm there. His other arm back behind her not touching but, as close as he could get.

"Do you remember the first time we watched the sun come up from up here?" He asked.

She smiled remembering, "I remember, it was the first time we made love."

"It was the most beautiful sun rise I ever saw," he said, looking at her profile.

"We saw a lot of them from up here. Sunsets too. Watching the stars for hours…" she let her voice trail off.

The way they were sitting, her shoulder was almost touching his chest, she could feel him nodding from next to her. She turned to look at him as he watched the sky.

Could she really live without this man for the rest of her life?

That was the decision she had to make. She tried before, several times only to find she couldn't ignore his pull.

'He hurt you,' she thought.

'Yeah but to make sure we were safe.' It wasn't just about her anymore, it was about their children.

'You would have done the same thing'

'Would I?'

'He could hurt you again'

'He could, he might, there is a good chance he will' Their track record wasn't so good.

'And you could hurt him too'

'You love him and you promised to always be by his side. Just the two of you'

'You and me'

"John," she said quietly, not realizing her eyes were full of unshed tears.

"Yeah," he said continuing to look up at the stars.

"Thank you," she said softly.

He looked at her then, his brow furrowed. "For what?" He asked, noticing the tears.

"For this. For tonight," she said, her eyes boring into his. He sighed.

"I love you Natalie," he said looking back just as intently.

"I love you, too," she whispered.

She leaned forward and for the second time that night, pressed her lips to his. They kissed slowly and gently, finally deepening the kiss. John pushed backward and used the arm behind her back to gently ease them both to the ground. He wanted her but, he wanted her to want him just as much. If she wanted to take it farther he was going to leave it up to her. They kissed slowly and softly for what seemed like hours. It wasn't too much longer before it turned heated and urgent. Natalie unbuttoned his shirt and ran her hands up underneath his t-shirt to press her small hands into the bare skin on his back. Hearing her small sigh was all the encouragement he needed to start on the buttons of her sleeveless blue top.

John had just released the last button and ran his hand up her torso when an insistent beeping noise finally penetrated his foggy mind.

Natalie tore her mouth away from his, "that's my phone," she said looking up at him. Neither moved for a fraction of a second. Both breathing hard. They had finally been so close. Natalie sat up quickly, pushing him back and reached for her bag.

"Hello?" She answered breathlessly, "oh ok…..no thanks for calling us, we'll be right there." Hanging up the phone and turning to John.

"That was Jody," she said. John immediately started buttoning his shirt, "who is it?" He asked but, quickly answered himself, knowing it could only be one, "Sean."

"Yeah, he isn't feeling good and he won't go to sleep," Natalie hadn't moved and sinking feeling was growing in the pit of her stomach, "John….you don't think that-"

"Michael said some kids are just prone to infections and fevers," John said interrupting her closing down the discussion, "he's fine."

John stood up and held his hand out to help Natalie stand. She fixed her shirt as he folded the blanket and

turned off the radio. After stopping at his room to drop off those items they were on their way home to their son.

Natalie could hear his crying from outside the door on the porch.

Jody calmly met them at the door. "I am so sorry I had to interrupt your date but, I didn't know what to do.

He just doesn't want to settle down."

Natalie wasn't sure she'd ever seen the young woman rattled.

"No that was the absolute right thing to do. Calling us," Natalie said as she took her whiny son from his babysitter. Natalie greeted the sleepy boy while John paid Jody and made sure she made it safely out to her car. He removed his jacket, sat down next to Natalie on the couch and running a hand over Sean's head.

"He's warm," John said.

"Yeah, she said on the phone she gave him some medicine for it right before she called," Natalie said, "do…do you think he looks puffy? Like swollen?"

"Well, he was crying before we got home. I heard him before we got to the door," John replied frightened to admit he saw it too.

They sat quietly for a moment before Natalie looked up at him and asked in a small voice, "will you stay?"

"Of course, I'll stay," he said softly, reaching over and rubbing Sean's back trying to comfort him.

"You still have some clothes upstairs if you want to change," she said.

"Yeah ok, what about you?" John asked, standing up.

"I'll change after you do, that way we only have to move him once," she replied standing up and bouncing gently, trying to comfort the boy.

"Oh yeah right," John took off upstairs, scared she would change her mind. He came out of the bathroom where he had changed to see Natalie sitting on the end of the bed.

"I know you hate it when I let them sleep with us but, I thought he'd be more comfortable up here," she said standing to hand the little boy to his father.

"He would be," John replied, carefully climbing up onto the bed with Sean in his arms he leaned against the headboard covered in pillows and waited for Natalie to change.

When Natalie emerged from the bathroom, John and Sean were already asleep. John was practically in the middle of the large California King bed, on his back with Sean on his stomach. Natalie piled pillows on one side of John so Sean wouldn't roll off the bed then she laid down next to her husband for the first time in a long time.

She climbed up onto the bed and laid down facing him, studying his profile. He was a beautiful man still. Her eyes wandered over his body. She noticed his the tattoo around his right arm peeking out from under the sleeve of his t-shirt. Bringing her hand up she traced the pattern with her finger softly but, enough to disturb him slightly as he turned his head to face her and sighed. With this perfect view of his face, she watched him sleep until her eyelids grew heavy and she drifted off herself.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 13

Hours later John came back to consciousness. He must had drifted off he thought. Trying to roll over, he realized something was holding him down. He opened his eyes and was disoriented for a moment. For months he'd prayed when he opened his eyes he'd be in this room but, he'd always woken up in that ratty hotel room. Then he remembered why he was there. John looked down to see the sweet little face of this youngest son. Sean was looking up at him, his sleepy eyes were glassy, and his cheeks rosy from the fever.

"Hey, there buddy," John whispered. Sean lifted his head and made a sound, pointing at his mother.

John looked over at Natalie. She was sound asleep, her head resting against his shoulder, and her hand around his bicep.

"Yeah mommy's asleep," John said running his hand over Sean's soft head, then looking at this clock, "I think it's time for more medicine," bringing his finger to his lips, John said, "shh, we don't want to wake up mommy huh?"

Sean mimicked the sound, sat up and waited patiently while John moved his arm out from Natalie's grasp and slide off the bed. He scooped up the boy and brought Sean into the bathroom where he knew Natalie had some children's medicine and diapers. When he walked back into the bedroom Natalie was just sitting up.

"We didn't mean to wake you," he said.

She tried to smile. She'd never been a morning person but, 'she tried so hard', he thought smiling back at her.

"You didn't," he knew she was lying. He also knew he had to get out of here. The sun was already up.

He walked over to the bed sitting on the edge, he watched as Sean crawled off his lap onto Natalie's. She greeted him with a kiss to the forehead and furrowed her brow.

"I've already changed him and gave him some medicine," John said to the worried look on her face.

"Thanks," she said softly.

"I should probably go…." John let his sentence trail off.

"Oh?" Natalie asked, realizing that she was disappointed.

"Well, the other kids will be up soon, I don't want them confused as to why I'm here," he said, kissing Sean on the head.

Natalie heart sunk. "Oh yeah, right," she said trying to pretend it didn't hurt. 'You only have yourself to blame' a voice in her head said.

She watched as he moved to the walk-in closet to retrieve his clothes from the night before.

"Are you planning on taking him to the doctor this morning?" he asked.

"Probably, if that is ok?" she asked, "I'll be late. I've been working on the robbery on ninth."

"There isn't anything new on that so, yeah just call me when you are done," he said, walking back over to the bed.

"Ok," she said.

He sat down and give his son another kiss. He looked up at Natalie. Her sleepy blue eyes were sexy as hell, he hesitated before throwing caution to the wind. He leaned forward and kissed her softly, once, twice. Then molding his lips to hers, and kissing her deeply before pulling away. She looked up at him and sighed with a small smile.

~jolie~

Natalie sat in Dr. Harrington's office holding a sleeping Sean. She looked at her watch for the umpteenth time. 'What was taking so long?' she wondered. She hoped it wasn't his ears again. He never slept well when it was his ears and in turn she never slept well when it was his ears. Of course, he was sleeping now and it wasn't exactly nap time. 'His whole schedule is going to be off now', she thought. Somewhere in the back of her mind she feared it was something more. His development was slow. Michael and the pediatrician had both told her that while he was behind, he wasn't so far behind as to cause worry yet.

Natalie sighed, she was already late for work. If she didn't leave soon she might as well just take the whole day off. The door finally opened and the doctor walked in, followed strangely by Michael.

"What's going on?" Natalie asked suspiciously, her heart sinking.

"We have the results of the test we ran on Sean. Since Michael is 'Chief of Staff', he was brought in on consult," the doctor told Natalie, nervously.

Natalie looked at Michael, "and?" She said nervously.

Michael finally spoke up and asked casually, "Natalie, where's John today?"

Natalie furrowed her brow and looked at him, "he's at work...why?"

"I just thought maybe he would want...maybe you would want him here," Michael stammered.

"Michael, what's going on-"

"Nothing-"

"Don't tell me nothing. I've been bringing children to the doctor for years and I am capable of handling a doctor's appointment," she said snidely to hide her fear.

"I know you can Natalie," Michael said gently, "excuse me a minute." He said to the other doctor, turned and left the room.

Natalie turned to the doctor that she had trusted all three of her children's lives to. "What is it?" Natalie asked, barely able to get the words out.

The doctor settled into the empty seat next to Natalie's and placed her hand over Natalie's, "let's wait a few moments for John. Ok?"

Natalie closed her eyes and prayed John hurried.

~jolie~

"McBain," John answered his phone absently.

"Hey John, it's Michael," his brother started.

"Can't talk now Mike, really busy. Can I call-"

"No, you can't. Listen, Natalie is here with Sean," Michael explained. John was immediately on alert.

Something was wrong otherwise Michael wouldn't be calling about Natalie.

"Yeah, I know. She said he wasn't feeling good this morning," he said cautiously, his heart starting to pound.

"You need to…to come down here," Michael stuttered.

"What is it?" John asked getting anxious, "don't bull shit me Mike."

"Dr. Harrington ran some tests. We have the results...and I think you should be here," Michael said firmly.

"Is it bad?" John said getting up and grabbing

his keys. Walking out of his office, he didn't say a word to anyone as he left the building.

"I-...John-...just get here as soon as possible. Natalie shouldn't be alone," Michael said hanging up on his brother. If John continued to question him, he wasn't sure he wouldn't tell him and he shouldn't hear it over the phone. Michel could feel the bile rising in his throat. He swallowed back the tears and prepared himself to blow his brother's life apart.

~jolie~

John burst through the door of the doctor's office. Looking around he only saw Natalie sitting on the couch off to the side. She was holding Sean who appeared to be asleep in her arms. Natalie never looked up, he wasn't sure she noticed him enter. John walked over to her slowly, her eyes remained fixed on the floor almost like she was in a trance, barely blinking.

"Hey," he said softly. Gently sitting down next to her.

"Hey," she said just as softly.

"Did they tell you anything?" He asked her.

Natalie just shook her head no. John put his arm around her and she moved into him closer. laying her head on his shoulder. John kissed her forehead, then his son's and they waited.

It was only a few minutes but by the time Dr. Harrington and Michael arrived, John was about ready to come out of his skin. John stood and help Natalie stand with Sean still in her arms asleep. They walked to the front of the doctor's desk and Michael moved to stand close to his brother.

"Would you like to sit down?" the doctor asked motioning to the chairs that sat behind them.

"No," Natalie said quickly.

The doctor took a deep breath and got right to the point.

"We ran a series of tests this morning on Sean. I thought maybe we should dig deeper into the fevers and ear infections that he has had. It is typical for some children to be prone to them but, I just felt we should rule out anything else," the doctor stopped to take a breath. "Sean has something called 'Juvenile Myelomonocytic Leukemia ' ."

Both John and Natalie looked lost, having no idea what the doctor just said.

"I don't underst-"

Michael quickly interrupted his brother, "cancer John," he said quietly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Natalie gasped as she felt all of the air go out of the room, "oh God." She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak. She looked down into the face of her baby. Tears blurred her vision. She couldn't concentrate on anything else after that.

John felt as though he'd been kicked in the gut. He felt the tears well up, he looked at the doctor who was speaking but, couldn't make out a word she was saying.

John felt Natalie starting to sag against him and he helped her take a step backwards so she could sit in a chair that was behind them. He pulled the empty one next to hers close so he could continue to hold her.

The doctor must have noticed that neither John or Natalie weren't listening to her. It wasn't uncommon with this type of shock. They would go over it all again when she had their attention.

"I'll give you a moment," she said softly and left the room. Michael knelt down next to his brother and placed his hand back on his shoulder, his other on Natalie's knee. John placed his hand over his brother's in acknowledgement but, there was no way he could speak at the moment.

"I love you...all of you," Michael said squeezing John's hand, he leaned over and kissed Natalie on the forehead before he left them alone.

Natalie was crying softly, John put his arm around her and pulled her close to his side. John didn't realize he was crying until he felt the tears run down his face.

"It will be ok," he said, not really believing it.

"He's just a baby," Natalie sobbed, turning to look at her husband, "it can't be true. It can't be."

"Natalie," John whispered.

"No John," she said pulling her head off his shoulder to look up at him, trying to get control of herself, stealing her voice she said, "make them run it again. Make them, it's not true. It's a mistake, they have the wrong results. They're not his, so they need to do it again. They made a mistake," She panickedly pleaded with him and it broke his heart.

"Sweetheart," John turned to kneel down in front of her, "listen to me. Ok? Don't do this, I can't have you falling apart." Natalie just shook her head.

"You are the strongest person I know. We'll get through this but, he needs us ok? Alright? Listen, we need to be strong for him. There is no one stronger than you, ok? Please don't fall apart on me," he begged.

Natalie shook her head again. He could feel her shaking….or was that himself? He couldn't tell.

"I'm not that strong John, not about them. I don't know what to do," she looked to him, hoping he did.

John looked around stalling, trying to think. "I think the first thing we need to do is get the doctor back in here. I didn't hear a damn thing she said," he told her, rubbing his face.

She nodded, knowing he was right. She didn't hear anything either.

John stood up and walked to the door, Dr. Harrington and Michael were standing just outside. They discussed treatments and options and medications. Both of their heads were swimming with information.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 14

By silent mutual agreement, John drove the three of them home. Sitting in the driveway with no energy or inclination to move, they both sat still. Staring out the windshield for what seemed like hours until Natalie broke the silence.

"Now what?" She asked him quietly.

John didn't answer. He didn't know. Less than twenty-four hours ago it seemed like their lives where getting back on track. They were having fun together. They almost made love and now….now it felt like the world was coming to an end.

Michael had told them not to worry about Liam or Laney this evening. He and Marcy were going to pick them up and take them back to their house for the night. Natalie would have to call her mother though, she thought. Laney was set to start preschool next week and being as which no one but, John or Natalie ever picked the kids up, Viki Buchanan was bound to have a million questions. Natalie wasn't sure she could say the words out loud yet.

"Momma," Natalie heard a sleepy voice from the back seat jarring her from her thoughts. She quickly unbuckled her seat belt and jumped out of the front passenger side of the truck and opened the back door.

"Hey buddy, you want to go in?" She asked as she undid the harness of his car seat.

"In," he mimicked.

"Ok, let's go," she said brightly. Looking to John as she placed Sean on her hip and grabbed the diaper bag from the floorboard, "you coming in?" She asked him. She needed him to, more than she ever could imagined.

"Yeah," he said after hesitating for a moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to. He just knew he couldn't leave them. He needed to be with them right now.

"I'll make us some lunch," Natalie said after rounding the truck to meet him on the other side, "are you hungry?"

"Not really," he said taking the bag from her and shouldering it before placing a hand at her back to guide her to the house.

After having slept most of the morning, Sean was wide awake and kept his parents busy most of the afternoon. Natalie excused herself to have a heartbreaking conversation with her mother. Viki was ready to run over to John and Natalie's but, Natalie insisted that they wanted to be alone, just the three of them, for the evening.

That night and again without discussing it, they slept the way they had the night before. They laid facing each other, Sean between the two of them. As they watched their son drift off to sleep, John reached over and took Natalie's hand. Her eyes found his.

"We'll get through this," he said, knowing he wasn't as confident as he sounded.

Natalie nodded, not really believing him.

~jolie~

Natalie didn't remember falling asleep, nor did she really remember waking up. John left before dawn. He said he'd left a few things undone and work and was going in early to clear them both to be off for the next few days.

She was sitting with Sean in the living room mid morning, when there was a knock at the door. It would be her mother with Alana.

"Hey mom," she said before picking up her little girl and peppering her cheek with kisses.

"How are you darling?" Viki asked concerned for her daughter.

"Uhm…ok, I guess. Maybe more numb now. I have a lot of holes in my memory from yesterday. John says it's probably just shock," she set her daughter on the floor so she could play with her brother.

"He's a special little man, and he has you and John as parents. I have no doubt he will beat this," Viki said sadly.

Natalie smiled, leave it to her mother, "thanks mom, that means a lot. Dr. Harrington says the best course of treatment for this is a bone marrow transplant. Did I tell you that already?"

Viki nodded, "we will all be tested for sure. Your brother's, Jessie. I am sure Michael and Eve will want to as well," Viki said, "does John have any other family besides his cousin?" The women moved to the couch and sat down.

"Not much from what I understand. Eve was an only child and Thomas had a brother, Shannon's father, who has passed but, apparently Shannon has a brother who is in the military overseas. John said they aren't close," Natalie said.

Viki nodded, "well, there are so many Buchanan's it probably won't even be necessary to find him."

"True, that is the one thing that we have going for us in all of this," Natalie admitted, "John or I are the best bet but, between just the boys and Jess alone that's five potential donors. And that's just my siblings, six if you count Michael."

"So you or John would be the best donors for him?" Viki asked, not really understanding, concern for her daughters health also rising.

Natalie took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "Well, honestly…Liam or Laney would be. Someone sharing the same DNA from both John and I but, even if they weren't already disqualified for their ages, I wouldn't let them do it. It would be way too dangerous." Natalie answered watching her children play on the floor.

Viki patted her daughter's hand, "I've already got the ball rolling on it. I called London this morning and talked to Joe. He was going to let the rest of the family know that you needed them."

Natalie's eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe it sometimes," she said.

"What?" Her mother asked confused.

"How blessed I am. The way I barged into all of your lives, the things I did to you and to Jessica," Natalie's voice shook and she couldn't stop the tears from falling. Viki pulled Natalie to her and held her as if she were a child.

"Oh darling, all of that is history now. This family loves you as if you'd been here from day one. You are every bit a Buchanan as Jessica and Cord are," Viki chuckled, "even as much as Rex is now. I can't believe I am saying those words. Kevin and Joe are only half brothers technically, as far as DNA is concerned but, they all love you so much."

"Thanks mom," Natalie wiped her face, "you always know that right thing to say." Natalie looked over at her two youngest to find Laney staring at them intently.

"Natalie, you and John both have to remember that you can't let this stop you from living. You have two other children that need you just as much and who are not going to understand the processes that are ahead of your family. You can't let them get lost," Viki said gently.

Looking into the eyes of her daughter she said, "I know, we won't." Natalie grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and finished wiping her face, "no more crying, no more wallowing. From now on only positive thoughts." They sat quietly for a moment.

"I have to fix this," Natalie said.

"Sweetheart?" Viki asked, confused as to what she meant.

"Mom….I've been such a fool," Natalie's eyes filled with tears, "how could I shut him out like that?"

"Sweetheart, I don't know much about the issues that you and John have been dealing with but, I am sure you both have had your reasons for the things you've done," her mother replied.

Rolling an idea around in her head, Natalie made a decision.

"Mom," Natalie said, "I need a favor. "

~jolie~

John was ready to pull his hair out. All he thought he had to do was answer a few emails and make a few phone calls but, he just couldn't get out of this place. Rounding the corner to his office he saw Susan just arriving.

"Hey Suz," He greeted her.

"Good morning commissioner. Can I get you some coffee?" she asked noticing he looked like he hadn't slept.

"No but, if you have a minute, there is something I need to talk to you about," he said. She nodded and followed him into his office.

"Is something wrong?" She asked curiously, closing the door.

"Yeah there is, uh…I'm just waiting on-"

"Sorry I'm late," Oliver said bolting through the door, "got held up at Sierra's school this morning." He said sheepishly.

"It's…yeah that's fine. Listen I wanted to talk to the both of you about something," John didn't even know how to say it.

Oliver noticed that John was visibly upset. "Something wrong John?" Oliver asked, "is Natalie ok…the kids?"

John swallowed hard looking everywhere but, at them, "actually no, uhm…yesterday we found out uh…." He let his voice trail off, he hadn't said it out loud yet, "Sean is uh…..I don't know it's something with a really long name," John hissed through his teeth then cleared his throat, "Sean has cancer." He nodded once, 'there', he thought, 'said it'.

"Oh my…John I am so sorry," Oliver said, touched by the thought of someone's child being sick, "how's Natalie?"

"Yeah uh…devastated," John gave a humorless chuckle, "she will be out for the foreseeable future. I'd like to hold her job for as long as we can. Not because she's my wife but-"

"No need to explain. Natalie is the best tech in that lab. She'll be a loss for sure," Oliver interrupted to reassure him, "there's no need to find a replacement for her. She has the job for as long as she wants it."

John nodded, "thanks. Could you talk to the Smith guy that works with Natalie? She said he would probably be the best one to take over for her. They had been working on some stuff together?" John asked. He rubbed a hand over his face.

"Of course," Oliver said firmly.

"Are you taking some time off too? You should probably be together," Susan asked gently, not knowing the status of their relationship at the moment.

"Uh…well things are so up in the air right now. He has to have a bone marrow transplant they are telling us. We have to find a donor," John said then cleared his throat.

"I think everyone here would volunteer to be tested," Oliver said sympathetically, thinking of his own little girl.

"Yeah, that would be really nice but, they think a relative would the best match. I would hate for everyone to waste their time-"

"Wouldn't be a waste," Susan interjected quickly.

"Thanks it would mean a lot to us," John said after a moment with a hitch in his voice. "I don't know what my schedule with be like. I'd like to spend as much time with them as I can right now but, the criminals aren't going to stop because my boy is…..sick." John sat down heavily in his chair and spun it around to face the window.

"John….if there is anything we can do…." Oliver let his voice trail off.

"Thanks," he replied so lost in thought he didn't notice them leave.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 15

Natalie quickly ran some errands while her mother sat with Laney and Sean. She hoped she would beat John back to the house. They hadn't had a chance to talk about last night. But, as the hours ticked by after her return she was beginning to wonder if he was coming back at all. Was it the situation with Sean? Could he not handle it after all or was he avoiding her? She wondered. Her mind racing.

She called his office and cell and got no answer. Torn on whether or not to continue looking for him or letting him be, Natalie called the assistance desk hoping to get Susan and not Amy. Luckily enough Susan answered and let Natalie know that a little after two that afternoon there was a body found in the river. Susan assured her that John had been planning on leaving early and had instructed Susan to inform Natalie of that had she called and to also let her know he would be there as soon as he could.

"Was the body anyone we know?" Natalie asked hesitantly. People in Llanview tended to die and reappear all the time.

"I haven't heard back from them in a while. I know that Oliver called in about fifteen minutes ago and asked for Jason Smith and a team to be sent out the scene," Susan told her.

"Well, that only means they aren't even half way done yet," Natalie chuckled to hide her disappointment.

"Natalie….I hope I'm not overstepping…" Susan started unsure if she should even bring it up.

"What is it?" Natalie asked concerned.

"I just wanted you to know that…we are all praying for your family. And everyone here is prepared to be tested to see if they can help," Susan finished quickly. Touched that they would do that for her child, Natalie had to take a deep breath before she answered.

"Thanks, that means a lot to us. We will, uhm…we'll keep you informed," Natalie said gratefully.

"I'll let the commish know you called," Susan said kindly. Natalie thanked her and hung up. Despair covering her again like a blanket. She looked over at her children. Laney and Sean were playing on the floor with blocks. Laney would stack them and Sean would knock them over and they would both laugh and start again. She had no right to feel sorry for herself. She wasn't the one who was sick and as she watched her little boy giggle at his sister, she vowed to put her family back together. Life was too short to stumble around.

He had an important job. Important to him, important to the community he served, and it was important to her too. She completely understood that. She was proud of who he was. Flaws and all.

Well, if he was going to be delayed then, she would have to come up with another plan. She smiled slowly and another idea formed in her mind. This was even better . Now she just had to get everyone to cooperate without knowing they were…..

~jolie~

It was after nine when John was making his way slowly up the stairs. He didn't see any point of going over to the house at this hour. The kids would all be asleep. He thought he would rather get some sleep himself, then head over there in the morning. He knew he needed to call Natalie. Susan had left him a note saying she wanted him to call no matter what time he could and that it wasn't urgent. He balanced a pizza box in one hand and dug out his phone in the other.

"Hey," she answered softly, "are you finally done?"

"Yeah, listen….I am really sorry that I left you alone all day. Today of all days," he said sounding guilty.

"It's ok. We had a fairly decent day considering," she said nervously. She needed tonight to be perfect. "So, are you coming back over here?" She asked trying to keep her tone even.

John stopped in front of his door, slightly surprised at her question. "Well….I figured the kids were asleep and that you would want some rest too," he responded hesitantly, "is there something wrong? Do you need something?"

"Yes," she quickly, almost cutting him off. She swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice even but, she heard it tremble anyway. She spoke breathlessly, "I need you to come back-"

"Ok," he said turning around. He could hear something in her voice, he wasn't sure what it was. Panic, desperation, fear….he wasn't sure, "hold on. I'm on my way." He moved quickly back down the stairs and out to his truck. He had forgotten about the pizza he was holding. Tossing it down onto the seat next to him, he rushed home.

~jolie~

John noticed when he pulled up that all the lights were off. He hurried to the front door and let himself in expecting to find her waiting for him. He almost called out to her but, he didn't want to wake the kids. He looked around, the kitchen and dining room were both dark. Looking around the living room it dawned on him that the lamp at the bottom of the stairs that she used to leave on for him when he was working late was on. He glanced at the stairs, his heart pounding. 'What could this mean? Did it mean anything at all?' He wondered.

He slowly made his way up the stairs wondering if the one at the top would be on as well. Did she leave them on for him? When he hit the landing and turned the corner he realized that it was. He was trying not to get his hopes up.

Their bedroom door was standing wide open and he could tell that the fireplace was on. John walked to the doorway and stopped cold. His breath caught in his throat.

Natalie was standing in front of the fire place. She had a fire going and lit candles on the mantle and all around it. On tables and the hearth. The chairs that usually sit in front of the fireplace were pushed back and she had pillows and blankets piled up on the floor. The first thing he thought of was their first anniversary when they spent the whole night making love on the floor.

She stood there in a black lace nighty that he knew from experience so short that in the back it didn't cover her bottom. The lace was shear all over except for where it covered her nipples, regardless it left very little to the imagination.

John closed the door behind him and she let him get halfway into the room before she held up her hand for him to stop.

"Natalie," he whispered, he could see the tears in her eyes. As they stood there he could see her nervousness as she twisted her wedding rings around her finger.

"John," Natalie took a deep breath and released it before proceeding. Her lips quivering around the words, "I promise to love you. Always. I promise to be faithful to you. I promise to be your best friend as you are mine. I promise to support you and stand by you when you need me. Most of all I promise to listen to you, and to hear you, and I promise to understand," she paused to take another breath, praying she could make it through without crying, "I can't promise to always give you the best of me. I can't promise you that things will always be perfect but, I don't want perfect. We've never been perfect. I want us," her voice trembling as she held in a sob, "you and me."

She hoped he didn't think she was trying to put him on the spot to remember his own vows but, she prayed with all her heart that he recognized hers. She meant every word she'd said that day. And she failed them. She hoped he would forgive her.

As for John, he instantly recognized her vows from their wedding day. He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat. Remembering his words back to her that day. Hoping that he didn't mess them up. He cleared his throat quietly and opened his mouth.

"Natalie, I promise to always love you. I promise to be by your side whenever you need me and to stand behind you when you don't. I promise to protect you and encourage you. I promise to be faithful to you and I promise to be your best friend. I promise to listen with understanding and compassion. I can't promise _you_ the best of me. I'm not sure there is a best of me but, I know that I am better with you than I am without you. And that is all that I want, to be with you for the rest of my life. Just me and you." He continued, "I want to add that I will never leave your side again."

Natalie smiled, she was overjoyed that he remembered his vows from so long ago.

"Please don't make me any promises right now. You don't know that you can keep them right now and that isn't what this is about," she begged.

"Natalie-" John started again.

"No," she said quickly, holding her hand back up, "not yet." He stayed where he was. She was in control of this situation, he would do whatever she told him to at this moment.

"I broke my vows to you," she said so softly that he almost didn't hear her.

"What?" He asked confused, they were both speaking softly as to not wake any of the kids.

"I broke my vows to you, and I am so, so sorry," he could see she was getting emotional again.

"Why do you think you broke your vows?" he asked gently, hating to see her get upset.

"I promised to stand by you…and _listen_. Our biggest issues have always been when we don't listen to each other. I know this and I shut you out anyways because I was hurt and if I am honest…I guess I just wanted to hurt you back," she said pleadingly hoping he could understand, "I didn't want to try to understand why you did what you did, and that isn't love. It was my hurt pride, I guess," she ended with a mumble.

"Natalie, I know I hurt you. I knew I was going to hurt you before I did it and I did it anyway….you have nothing to be sorry for. This-this is all on me," John told her, "if anyone broke their vows it was me. I promised to protect you and I let you down. I let all of you down. I can't even ask you to forgive me, I don't think I will ever forgive myself."

"You love me," she stated confidentially, "I know that."

He nodded, "more than anything."

She nodded back, " and I love you. I want nothing more than for us to get past this. For us but, for the kids too. _For_ them not because of them. They are proof of how much we love each other."

He nodded again, completely agreeing. Getting back together because the children would be for the wrong reason.

"Will you….will you come home?" She barely choked the words out, she stood twisting her wedding ring around her finger.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 16

John blew out a breath, "that is all I ever wanted." John could feel the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Good," she said, her smile slowly fading, "now…..take of your clothes...slowly."

Usually this role was his. He gave the orders, she liked it. She had told him so. She had never been the one to tell him what to do. And he found as a thrill ran through him, he didn't care.

"Start with your shoes, then your jacket and shirt...your pants last," she said roughly. Their eyes locked together.

John toed off his shoes, then slipped off his jacket letting it fall to the floor. He slowly unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall on top of the jacket before starting on his belt and freeing himself from his jeans. He stood there in his boxer briefs and tank, as he watched his wife's eyes scan his body. He was so hard it was painful. He saw her eyes come to rest on his feet and she chuckled softly. He looked down to see what amused her and noticed he still donned his black socks. He looked up at her with a equally amused smile. She shrugged one shoulder, he'd done what she'd told him...she hadn't mentioned the socks.

John rested on hand on the foot board of their bed and ungracefully removed the socks but, when he looked back up all traces of amusement were gone from her face.

"Come here," she said. He moved slowly toward her, he wanted nothing more than to kiss her at this moment but, he would try to wait until she told him he could.

Natalie ran her hands over his chest and sides until she reached the hem of his t-shirt. John closed his eyes and relished the feeling of her hands on him again as she slipped them up over his skin underneath the shirt before grabbing the material and lifting it over his head. Natalie's eyes stayed locked on his as she drew herself up on her toes to press her mouth against his. He sighed into her mouth as he slipped his tongue past her lips. He slid his hands up her sides against the rough material of the lace . Following her curves to her back and pulled her close.

Slowly ending the kiss, she ran her hands down his arms as she stood back on her own flat feet. She opened her mouth to speak but, whatever she was going to say died away as she noticed a new mark on his chest.

"What's this?" She asked, running her fingers across the marks the covered his heart. Her brow furrowed as she studied the black lines of a language she couldn't read . He watched her face.

"It says 'Natalie'," he whispered. Her eyes snapped to his. Her eyebrows rose.

"You tattooed my name-" she started with a gasp, John's hand came up and covered hers and pressed it to his chest.

"Across my heart, yeah," he interrupted, "my heart belongs to you, Natalie. Only you." His free hand came up to cup the back of her head and draw her mouth back to his. After several heartbeats, she broke the kiss abruptly and with a smile said cryptically, "well…...I have a surprise for you, too."

"You do?" He asked narrowing his eyes at her. She wouldn't have. Certainly she'd mentioned it before but it was once….in passing…..

"I do," her smile widened, then she whispered, "but, you have to find it." She bit her lip to keep herself from telling him what she'd done. He kissed her again roughly.

"Well then," he muttered between kisses, "I best get started."

He gently eased her to her knees with him never breaking the kiss. They stood on their knees kissing frantically. It was almost as if he was afraid this moment would disappear and he would wake to discover it was all a dream. He ran his hands over her back until he reached the bottom of her nighty. Feeling his penis twitch between his legs, finding her bottom covered a scrap of lace that matched the barely there nighty. Much like she had, he slipped his hands up, pulling the garment up with them until it was over her head and flung behind him.

As his mouth found her neck, his hands found her nipples and he gently slid his thumbs over each one before palming them and softly pulling and twisting them until she was moaning his name. Natalie closed her eyes and threw hear head back, giving him all the access to her neck and chest he wanted. She could feel him hard against her belly, she loved the feel of his body pressed against hers.

Easing her back he braced one hand on the floor and the other on her back until her head hit the pillows behind her. He settled between her legs and ground himself against her.

"Fuck Natalie," he growled. He wanted her so badly.

Shifting back slightly he was able to run his hand down her body until he reached her panties and slid his hand inside. His fingers finding her soaked and ready for him. He settled back on his knees and with both hands he slipped the panties off over her and ran his hand up her inner thigh. He froze as his eyes followed his hand. John had forgotten he had started out looking for something.

It was low on her abdomen, not quite to the crease of where her leg met her pelvis on her right side. John ran his thumb over her hip as he studied the pattern of the black images. Four small, black opaque birds. One slightly bigger than the next, the largest on top. All four birds in varying poses of flight and off set from each other. Three flying, seemingly away or off her body, facing to the right. One flying toward her or to the left. Tilted slightly upwards.

"The kids," he whispered.

"How did you know?" she asked him a little disappointed. She didn't think he would get it so quickly.

He just shook his head once, moved by the beauty of the tattoo."I don't know," he said finally, astonished himself that he knew it so fast.

She took her finger and pointed to the bottom three. "These three here are going to grow up and leave me," she said emotionally, "this one….this one will never get the chance but," she sniffled, "this one will never leave me."

"Natalie…" John said, he didn't know what he wanted to say to her. He was speechless. It was a beautiful gesture and a beautiful sentiment.

"When did you get this?" He asked finally, moving back up her body so he could look into her eyes. She laughed lightly.

"Well, there was this night after you had taken off," she sighed and laughed again, "Destiny and I had gotten drunk. Really, really drunk…she said we should do something and next thing I know we are in a cab and headed for 'Freddy's Tats'. It's off Angel Square on Lincoln-"

"Yeah, I know where it is," he interrupted, not sure yet how to feel.

"Well, Des gave me the idea. She saw it in a book that she read once. Some character had it across her chest and they symbolized something else so I changed it up a bit but, I thought it was perfect," she tried to read his face, she couldn't. With panic coursing through her, "you don't like it?"

"It's not that," he answered hesitantly, "it's beautiful. So damn hot here too but, he shouldn't have given you a tattoo when you were drunk. Something could have happened." Getting a tattoo when you were drunk was a bad idea. The alcohol thins your blood. He should have that place checked out.

"But, it didn't and I am fine," she said drawing him out of his thoughts.

They lay side by side for a while silently. John finally breaking the silence. He rubbed his hand over her hip and up her back.

"I do like it…a lot," he could see her smile.

"Really?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm thinking that I should probably get a closer look at it," he said teasingly, as he brought his mouth to her neck and working his way down.

"You didn't look at it earlier?" She teased back as he found her nipples and she gasped.

He lifted his head and winked at her, "not nearly close enough." He slid his tongue along her belly as he moved his body down hers. Using his shoulders to spread her legs wide. He ran his lips over her tattoo then sunk them into her wetness using his mouth to pleasure her until she came. He drank her in as much as he could until it almost drove him mad. In a flash he was inside her. She wrapped her legs around him and hung on while he brought them both to the edge. They tumbled over together.

~jolie~

Natalie lay on her stomach with her eyes closed, her head resting on her folded arms. "John?" She asked.

"Mmm," was all the answer he could give her as he kissed is way up and down her spine.

"Whatever happened to Amy?" She felt him freeze over her.

"Ah...she got promoted," he said finally, picking up where he left off on her back.

Natalie's eyes flew open, "promoted?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Uh huh," was all he said. She unfolded her arms and leaned up on her elbows, impeding the progress he was making up her back.

"Care to explain?" She inquired, indicating he didn't have a choice.

"Judge Bennett needed a new assistant. Susan and Janice Bennett have become pretty good friends and after Susan explained…Amy to her, Janice thought she would be a good fit for her office," he said.

"How so?" Natalie said turning her torso around to she could look at her husband.

"Susan told her all of the trouble I was having with her, and that honestly she does her job well….Janice was just trying to help me out. And Amy as well actually. She can do the job, that was never in question but now, if she wants to keep it, she'll need to straighten up," he told her. Rubbing his hand slowly, lightly up and down over her spine a few times. Finally using a small amount of pressure so she would turn back over.

"Huh," Natalie said flipping back over on to her stomach. She closed her eyes and laid her head down on her folded arms. John continued to place small kisses up and down her spine as he massaged her back.

Eventually he made his way down her back to her the base of her spine. He rubbed his hand over her bare bottom as he placed open mouthed kisses on her tail bone.

"God John," Natalie breathed out.

John moved up quickly, bracing one hand on the floor and leaned over her. She felt his breath in her ear as he placed his mouth against her and he said roughly, "Knees Natalie." He placed his other hand on the back of her thigh to help guide her up. Natalie had been so relaxed but was instantly turned on as she rose to her knees. John's hand came around to slide over her abdomen as he slid into her from behind. She bit her lip to keep from crying out as he took her again.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 17

"I know you said not to make any promises, sweetheart," John said, running his hand through her hair, "but, I can't honestly ever imagine being away from your side ever again."

They lay quietly in each other's arms for a while before she spoke again. "I get it you know…she was the love of your life and you had to find her," Natalie turned so she was facing him, up on one elbow and she could look into his eyes, "I would have done the same thing. I did do…sort of the same thing….once," she thought about after his accident, when she realized he was alive and how no one would believe her at first. She had to know who's face was under the bandages, "you had to know where she was…I get that. I really do."

John ran his fingers through her hair tucking a lock behind her ear, he furrowed his eyebrows and asked confused, "you think she was the love of my life?"

"Of course," she answered strongly and matter of factly, "John, you were going to marry her. Have a family, you planned to spend the rest of your life with her. The way you held on to her memory for so long after she died," Natalie half rolled her eyes, " or whatever we're going to call it," she mumbled as she leaned her head back down on his shoulder.

"I've….never given it much thought I guess," John said considering what she said.

"If she had not taken off, we wouldn't have found each other," Natalie said rubbing her hand over his chest and the tattoo that covered his heart. Her heart, "we wouldn't have all of this," she said quietly.

John lay there stunned for a moment, then sat up quickly displacing her a little roughly.

"Hey," she said chuckling a little, not understanding what he was doing.

"You really have no idea just how much I love you," he said soundly agitated, bending his knees and resting his arms across them. Natalie sat up, pulling the blanket up around her chest, "after all this time and after everything…..are you really that insecure?" He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration, resting in on his neck.

Natalie wasn't sure what to make of what he'd said, "are-are you angry with me? I-I don't understand," she said finally.

John was quiet for a while trying to put into words his feelings. Words still weren't something he was used to.

"When you were in the hospital with Laney. I didn't know what was going on, how either of you were. I had a lot of time to think," he said turning to look at her, "one thing was perfectly clear to me. That no matter what had happened with Kaitlin, somehow…some way, I would have found you. I still don't know about soul mates and I've never thought about the 'love of my life' but, one thing is crystal clear. You and I, we've always been meant to be. Our children were meant to be…here with us. Together. If anyone is the love of_my_ life, Natalie it's you. I _did_ marry you, you _have _carried my children and I _do_ plan to spend the rest of my life with you. I didn't go to find her because I wanted to be with her, I went to find her to…not only see if it was true but, to confront her and find out why she did this to me. You and me…..we could have had years together if only she'd not messed me up so badly." John rubbed his eyes.

"John…my whole life, I've had to fight for everything I've ever wanted or needed. Food, clothes, a place to sleep at night…someone I love. Together we've fought for our daughter's life once and now we're fighting for our son's life, while putting us back together. I can't help be insecure about us sometimes. Especially, after the things you said that day and the fact that you were engaged to this woman you left me to go find. I'm sorry," she sighed, "I know that you love me. I've never doubted that…ever. I know how hard it was for you to say. You didn't say it to Evangeline, you didn't say it to Marty or Blair but, you said it to me and I know you meant it. But you also said it to her once and...sometimes, the insecurity just comes out of me. As much as I want to, I can't help it," she said, laying back down to stare at the ceiling.

He sighed before turning and leaning down over her. "I've only ever said 'I love you' to two women in this whole world. Kaitlin who is off living her limited existence with Hugh Hughes of all people," John rolled his eyes, never in a million years would he have imagined that, "and you. And looking at you right now…I can honestly say, I really think I've only ever meant it once."

She rubbed her hand over his cheek, "I love you, too."

He leaned forward and kissed her gently. Slowly deepening his kiss little by little. This time they made love slowly making sure to stroke and touch each other reverently, worshiping each other's bodies. Natalie was afraid her heart would burst with so much both flowing out of it for him and from what she could feel flowing into it from him. This man was the love of _her _life.

~jolie~

"We need to get dressed…" Natalie said in a sleepy voice.

"Mmm…no, I want to feel your body next to me all night," John replied holding her tighter and burying his face deeper into her hair, she chuckled at him.

After a few minutes John said, "do you remember that weekend, soon after you got out of that pit and we first got together….we spent the entire weekend, from Friday night until we had to go to work that Monday morning in my room…..naked…."

Natalie laughed and lifted her head, turning to look at him over her shoulder, "I do remember that weekend. You did get dress twice though…once for the pizza guy and then for the Chinese delivery person. It was amazing. I will never forget it.," she paused before turning all the way over to face him.

Saying in a rough, sexy voice running a finger down his chest, "do you remember, that Friday night not too terribly long ago, when you refused to get up and get dressed and oh I don't know sometime around five am, you daughter decided that she wanted to crawl in bed with us and cuddle with her daddy?" She finished with a laugh she could hardly contain. He had been mortified. Somehow Natalie managed to distract Laney so John could throw on some clothes but, he was sure he would never forget it.

"That was…so awkward," he replied in a flat voice, not finding the humor in it she did, "it's not funny."

"She was fine, you're fine. There's nothing to worry about...but," she paused.

"But, what?" he asked.

"Well, I know that it isn't sexy or exciting to have to get dressed and not spend the night wrapped around each other with nothing between us-"

"While that weekend was really special and something I will never forget for as long as I live," he sighed wrapping his arms more firmly around her, "I wouldn't trade those days for these for anything in the world.

There will come a day when they will be old enough for us to lock the door but, until then…" he said getting up off the floor. He reached a hand down to help her.

"What time is it?" she asked sleepily.

"A little after two," he replied with a smile.

She grimaced, "tomorrow isn't going to be pleasant," she said as she stood up.

"No, but, I'll be here to help you," he said.

"We have a doctor's appointment in the morning," she said. Reality crashing down on her. For the last few hours they have been able to think of nothing but, themselves. Selfish, 'yes', she thought but, so necessary to get them back in sync with each other. Now the crushing sadness was coming back.

"I know," was all he could manage. Feeling it too.

~jolie~

John woke with a start. He hadn't remembered falling asleep. He prayed he wasn't dreaming. He was in his own bed in his own house. He was on his side facing where his wife should be if she wasn't already up. He grabbed her pillow and breathed in her scent. He had missed her so much. Slowly rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling lost in thought.

A small noise toward the door made him turn his head. Laney stood in the doorway, her pink pajama's rumpled and her red hair a messy tangle of curls around her head.

"Hey darling," he said as he sat up, "you can come in."

Laney ran into the room and to the side of the bed which was still too high for her to climb up on by herself. He helped her up beside him.

"Did you sleep good?" He asked her. She nodded in response. "Have you seen Mommy?" He asked her with a smile. She nodded again. Trying not to laugh. She had answered what he asked. He clarified, "where is Mommy?"

With a small whispery voice his daughter answered, pointing out the door, "Sean's poopy."

"Oh," John said with a grimace, "well, we should let Mommy take care of that huh?" Laney nodded again.

"You hungry?" receiving one last nod for the moment he said, "well let's get you some breakfast ok?" John stood up and held his arms out to Laney who took the opportunity to wrap herself around him as he carried her downstairs to the kitchen.

He had just gotten her settled when Liam rushed in.

"Dad!" He yelled in his customary greeting to his father. "What are you _doing_ here?" Liam asked excitedly as he climbed into his chair at the table.

"Oh well, we should wait for your mom to come down before we talk," He said hesitantly. Liam paled, afraid of what that meant.

"I'm here," she said from the door way, Sean on her hip. She was suddenly nervous. Not exactly sure what they should tell them. About any of it. Sean being sick, their getting back together…fortunately, John seemed to know what he wanted to say.

"We told you last week that, if Mom or I felt that it was best for us to get a divorce, you would be the first to know," John paused to make sure Liam understood and remembered.

Liam froze waiting for his father to finish. Billy Bishop said it was cool if your parents got divorced but, he knew what it felt like to have his father not live with them and he didn't like it. Not at all.

"We've decided…that we don't want to get a divorce and if it's ok with you, I would move back home," John waited to see his reaction.

Liam let out the breath he didn't know he was holding, "I'm way ok with that."

"Yeah?" John asked.

"Yeah, I don't need two birthdays. It's cool only having one," Liam said.

"Well, good uhm…breakfast?" John asked the room in general. His eye's meeting Natalie's across the room, both knowing neither really knew how to or even what to tell the kids about Sean. The only thing they could agree on was now wasn't the right time. He could see it in her eyes and she could see it in his.

The full conversation taking place silently only with their eyes. They served breakfast together like they used to. Everything would have felt like normal if they both didn't feel the bomb that was ticking away. It was easy to fall back into their life together. Not that their lives would ever be the same.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 18

"How can that be, I don't understand? How can there not be one donor in our whole family?" Natalie said, stomping in the front door as they returned from meeting with Dr, Harrington at the hospital weeks later.

John sighed and shook his head, "I don't know." He ran a hand over his face as he followed her in.

"The whole family...I just...he's just a baby," she threw her purse down in the chair then sat down heavily, her face in her hands, "us! Neither one of us. I just don't understand."

"You know, he doesn't really look like either of us..." John let his voice trail off, staring off into space thinking about Sean's appearance. His hair was considerably lighter than his and Liam's. It was hard to see any red in it either. While Liam and Laney both had the sky blue of their parent's eyes, Sean's eyes were almost grey in color. While Liam was a full term baby, he was never a chubby child. Laney was premature and always small for her age. Sean was a chubby butter ball of a baby.

Natalie froze as his words sunk in. Her heart hammered in her chest. "What?!" Natalie said in a deadly voice as she snapped her head up, she couldn't believe what she just heard.

Not even looking at her, John hadn't realized what he'd said, he started to pace, "I just mean-"

"You don't think he's yours?" Natalie stood still speaking in a dangerously calm voice. She was anything but. She was ready for a fight, "are you fucking kidding me?" Hearing her tone of voice, John stopped and turned to face her.

"No, no that isn't...that wasn't what I meant," John said quickly, "I didn't mean to say it that way. I meant...you hear stories like this all the time. Babies switched in the hospital and you don't find out until one of them is sick. I mean...maybe he isn't either of ours. He doesn't look like either of us or Liam or Laney...I just-"

"He _looks_ like Michael. He _looks_ like Joe. He _looks_ exactly like Ryder did at that age. You seriously don't think he's your son?" Natalie said angrily, "how could you even say that," running her hands over her face in defeat she said with anguish in her voice.

John took a deep breath, even he couldn't believe the words came out of his mouth. She was right. Sean's hair was a bit darker but looked just like Ryder did. And Michael was a chubby baby, too.

"I don't...I'm just lashing out. I'm just trying…I don't know what I am doing," he sighed tears stung his eyes, moving towards her he took her in his arms. Tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't believe that, I don't know what I am saying right now."

They held each other for a moment, letting each other calm down.

"So what do we do?" She asked in a small voice. John stood rubbing his hand up and down her spine trying to comfort her. He wondered if he should bring it up again. They pretty much shut the doctor down when her first brought it up but, it really was an option they should think seriously about.

"There is always the last option that the doctor and Michael were talking about," he told her gently.

Pulling away to look him in the face. "Another baby?" She asked in disbelief.

"Well, yeah. I mean, it could save his life. The cord blood or something," John said fiercely.

"Yeah or it might not. So far no one in the family has matched him. Who's to say another child would?" She said, "and then what? We have another child _and_ still might lose Sean. I don't want to replace him." Natalie pulled completely away and turned her back on him, "John….we've been back together for like…a minute."

"We shouldn't ever have been apart in the first place. And no, we wouldn't be replacing him," John said fiercely , placing his hands on his hips, "I would love another child just as much as the others."

"It would always know the only reason it existed was to save Sean's life," Natalie said uncomfortably. She crossed her arms over her chest, "and if it doesn't match and we fail to save Sean's life…I don't want that child to blame themselves. That's not right. It can't be right."

"Look, the only reason I didn't think I wanted to have anymore was...because of _my_ age," John grabbed her arm gently and spun her around so she could see his face, "Natalie, I would have had a whole baseball team with you if we had time. If we'd not been so...stupid for years, I would have loved to have as many babies with you as you wanted. I am going to be sixty before Sean graduates from high school," He said quietly a little embarrassed as he wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I was perfectly fine with the three we have, I agreed with you that our family was complete. Don't you remember? Besides, you're only forty-four, I'm almost thirty-three, we're not that old," She challenged.

John's eyes filled with tears again but, this time he couldn't stop them from falling. He took a moment to compose himself.

"Sometimes, I think about the baby we lost...and sometimes I even think about the baby Marty lost," he paused waiting to see if she flinched in hurt. She didn't and he loved her for it, "I never knew either of them but, I miss them, you know. In my heart. I love them just as much as Liam and Laney and Sean. I would have loved them just as much if they were here and I would have fought just as hard to save them then if I had the chance," tears filled his eyes, "I would give anything to have them here with us now. Natalie, I would do anything so save his life, anything. And if we get to have another baby in the process," he shook his head, almost no believing how much he meant what he was saying, "well then, nothing would make me happier."

Natalie looked at him hard, trying to figure out where this was coming from. He was looking her in the eye, and something was telling her he meant every word. "Do you mean that?" Natalie whispered.

John couldn't speak, he just nodded. He reached out and cupped her cheek, letting his slide back into her hair.

"Another red-headed girl," he said with amusement. She rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Oh, you couldn't handle another red-headed girl," Natalie laughed then slowly sobered, "but, maybe another sweet little boy...with your eyes." She reached up and touched his face, he wrinkled his nose at her as if to say no.

"Well, maybe a red-headed boy with my eyes?" He questioned.

She smiled, "that would be ok." They gazed at each other for a moment until Natalie broke the silence, "we're going have another baby," she whispered smiling through her tears, laughing a little not believing the words just left her mouth. She bit her lip to try to stop herself from crying but, seeing his reaction she let them fall. A slow smile spread across his face.

"We're going to have another baby," he whispered back and he pulled her into his arms. They clung to each other for several moments.

"A baby," Natalie said in awe. She pulled back, "what if it doesn't work?" She asked sadness claiming her emotions again.

"Then we try something else," he took a deep breath and sighed, " and if that doesn't work we try something else. And we keep trying until something does work...ok?"

Natalie took a breath of her own, deciding he was right, "ok," she said resting her cheek on his shoulder. "I'm not sure how to feel," she said.

"I'm happy," he said. Pulling back, he kissed her deeply and slowly before pulling away. "Maybe we should practice," he whispered.

She laughed loudly, surprised that she found it funny. "It won't work yet...you have to have your...uhm..procedure," she said trying to be serious but couldn't help to laugh again.

"We were apart for a long time, I might have forgotten a few things," he smiled smugly at her.

"You've probably forgotten more than I will ever know. You know, since you're _so much_ older," she said wrapping her arms around his neck.

"U huh..." he said kissing her.

Pulling away Natalie sobered up, "are you sure...are you sure this is the right thing to do?"

John nodded, "it's absolutely the right thing to do," he kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms, " I love you."

"I love you too," she said. "You know," she said pulling away slightly, "our time might be better spent this afternoon getting more information on how this works exactly."

"Yeah, well I didn't see anything wrong with the way that I was planning on spending it," John mumbled seriously but smiled as he released her and pulled out his phone anyway. "Hey Mike," he said, "we need to talk to you."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 19

"This isn't exactly my area of expertise," Michael informed John and Natalie nervously. Yes he was a doctor but, talking to his brother and sister-in-law about their sex life wasn't really that appealing.

"Well, you were there when we were talking to Dr. Harrington about our options. You're the one who brought this up," Natalie pointed out. "Look, we really just need some general information, Michael," Natalie said, "how this works, when it can be done and that kind of stuff. We shut you and Dr. Harrington down so fast the other day, we didn't ask any questions."

"What do you want to know," Michael said conceding.

Natalie looked at John who looked a little green. She knew that even though it was his idea to have this procedure, he didn't have a pleasant experience with it. When it became clear that he wasn't going to speak up, Natalie huffed, "how quickly can we get this reversed?"

"Well, that will depend on his physician and their schedule," Michael answered professionally.

"Ok, well…what do they do exactly-"

"I don't…need to know that," John interrupted.

Natalie turned to look at him surprised, "ok…how do we know this will work?" She tried a different way.

"Well, there is a lot of factors that come into play but, generally there is an eighty to ninety-five percent success rate. I don't see why you guys would have any trouble," Michael said.

"Ok," Natalie said thoughtfully, "how soon before we get pregnant?"

"Well, anywhere from three months to a year-"

"A year!" Natalie said distraught, "we don't have a year Michael."

Michael was quiet for a moment, "no…you don't. You could always do In Vitro."

"That sounds expensive," John mumbled.

"Well, you know you could always step up your efforts," Michael said a little sheepishly. He rubbed his hand over his neck the way John does when he is nervous.

Natalie finally noticed Michael's embarrassment, she crossed her arms over her chest defiantly.

"Michael, you are a medical doctor. You talk to people all the time about sensitive issues. Why is this any different?" She questioned.

"Because I don't generally talk about my brother's dick and instruct him on how to get knock up his wife," he said indignantly, rubbing his hand over his face. Natalie's eyebrow's rose in surprise, Michael was usually the one that was the calmer between he and John.

"Nice brother," John muttered.

Natalie sighed, "Michael…this is about Sean," she said quietly. Swallowing around the lump in her throat she whispered, "please help us. Seriously."

Michael sighed, "ok, look…you have a very good chance of getting pregnant on your own anywhere from three months to a year from the time of the reversal. Not so much because of John's….restored state as long as his sperm count returns to normal but, more because of your age Natalie. You're very….fertile right now at-at your age. You can up that time frame by monitoring your ovulation every month and ah…frequency is key. You'll have to….do it a lot."

Natalie was listening intently but, John had sat down and placed his face in his hands. Not so much out of embarrassment but, more out of the thought of another procedure. He had no doubts about another child with Natalie or the opportunity to help his son but, it wasn't a pleasant experience.

"Or you could up it even further with in vitro or artificial insemination ," Michael paused and looked down at his brother, "it isn't cheap and it is uncomfortable for you Natalie but, there are risks here too-"

John stood up quickly, standing next to Natalie, "no nothing with risks-"

"John, " she said silencing him, turning to address Michael again she said, "the money doesn't matter, we have the money. I'll get it out of my trust. And I don't care if it hurts and I don't care about risks-"

"Well there's no point in doing this if you die Natalie," John said harshly. They stared angrily at each other for an awkward moment.

Michael finally breaking the silence, "I was speaking more of risks like multiple births, infections, birth defects, pain…."

"Birth defects," Natalie mumbled as she covered her eyes with her hand as she turned her back on them then. Tears stinging her eyes, "oh God," she whispered. She hadn't thought about risking another child's health. None of this was fair.

"As with anything, the risks are minimal but, they are still risks," Michael said to her.

"Thanks for the information Mike," John said, "it's given us more to think about."

Michael nodded at his brother but, his eyes lingered on his sister-in-law, "Natalie, I'm so very sorry. I wish there was something else I could do," he told her.

Natalie wiped her eyes as she turned around, "thanks Mike. You and Marcy have been really great," she choked the words out before turning the other way and almost throwing herself into John's arms. John brought one hand up and cupped the back of her head and he held the other out to his brother to shake.

Instead however, Michael muttering, "screw that," threw his arms around them both.

~jolie~

John found himself six weeks later trying to stay awake during a ten a.m. meeting with the mayor. This was something new the old man felt was necessary. John was nursing his third cup of coffee and thinking about all that had happened in the last few weeks.

The doctors had started Sean on medications to control his symptoms, John had had his 'procedure' -as he preferred to refer to it- reversed and Natalie had thrown herself headfirst into getting pregnant. Natalie had gone back to work part time, working only a few hours a day but. she was constantly researching and planning and….jumping him every time he turned around.

At first it was great, amazing, thrilling. The laundry room at the house, the supply closet upstairs, the evidence room, his office, the powder room at her mother's with her parents on the other side of the wall in the study but, sometimes he wished she would slow down.

"Well Mc Bain, I think that about covers it-"

"John, we need to- oh, I'm sorry..I didn't-" Natalie burst through the door interrupting the man.

"Mrs. Mc Bain, it's nice to see you again," the mayor stood up as Natalie barged into the room.

"You too," she mumbled embarrassingly.

"What is it you needed Natalie?" John asked as he came around the corner of his desk. Part of him concerned it was Sean and but he had a suspicion it was something else.

"Oh uh," Natalie mumbled, "you know, I just needed to speak to you for a moment." She looked at him pointedly. This was the third time she just 'needed' to talk to him in his office this week...and it was only Tuesday. Not to mention all the times at home.

"Can't it wait?" He asked just as pointedly.

"Not really," she answered quickly, as she nervously twisted her wedding rings around her finger.

"Natalie, I'm in a meeting with the mayor right now-"

"Oh that's ok Mc Bain," the mayor replied, "when your beautiful wife wants to talk to you, you talk. I've learned that the hard way." The man smiled kindly patting John on the back.

Natalie was sure if he knew what she actually wanted he wouldn't be so quick to approve.

"Actually, I've been meaning to tell you both personally that I was sorry to hear about your son. If there is anything I can do.." he let his voice trail off. That was exactly what everyone said to them. She was tired of hearing it.

"Thank you," she said kindly, "we're working on something to help him now but, we need to do it now," Natalie said, turning to look at John, she was sure the man didn't quite understand what she was talking about. Her eyebrows rose in question toward her husband hoping he understood what she meant and wanted.

John however had no question, they had done it five times yesterday and twice already today.

"Well, I'll be off," the man said moving toward the door where Natalie stood, "Mc Bain, we'll finish this later."

"Yes sir," John answered tiredly, rubbing his neck.

"Ma'am," the man said then left.

Natalie quickly closed the door behind him locking it quickly before closing the blinds to the right.

"Natalie," John said as he watched her walk across the room to the other door.

"I just took my temperature," she said breathlessly, speaking and moving a mile a minute, reaching him as she undid her blouse partway, "I'm ready right now." She rose up on her toes and planted her mouth on his, reaching for his belt.

"Natalie," he said trying to pull away from her gently.

"And," she said, finally getting his belt, she started on this button and zipper, "I took off my panties before I came down here…one less thing to worry about," she laughed, pulling his mouth back to hers.

"Natalie," John said harshly, pulling completely away from her.

"What?" She asked aggravated, they only had a small window.

"Can we just slow down a minute?" He asked stepping away from her.

Natalie was confused, feeling rejected, "what's wrong?"

John was frustrated, "what's wrong? You just barged in here, while I was in a meeting with the mayor no less to," he lowered his voice, "have sex. I-I'm working here Natalie."

Natalie was taken aback by his reprimand, finding herself angry as well. "I thought the goal here…was to have a baby. In order to have a baby, I have to get pregnant and in order for me to get pregnant, _you_ have to have sex with me. Is there something I'm missing?"

John sighed, he wasn't sure how to say what he wanted to without hurting her. "Sweetheart, we've already had sex twice this morning," he braced himself, "maybe we need to take a little break."

"Take a break?" She repeated back calmly, "we've _only_ had sex twice this morning. What is your problem? Most men would be thrilled with that."

"And I would too…I mean," he sighed, "I am but, we had sex five times yesterday too. Twice in the morning, once in the afternoon, once when we went to bed and you woke me up around three this morning…so maybe that counts as today too," he said, "I'm not sure," he mumbled under his breath.

"Are you having trouble keeping up with me?" She asked snidely, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

"It's not that," he answered back angrily, "there are other things that need to get done." Standing stunned for a moment, Natalie felt like he'd slapped her. She was hurt and humiliated.

"Wow," she said, not even believing they were having this conversation, "I am doing everything I can to save our son's life and….you're busy," she turned to face the window.

"Sweetheart," he started again gently, "we've been going at this for a month. Maybe we need to slow down a little bit." John sat back against his desk and reached for her, turning her around. She wouldn't look at him.

"Listen," he said hesitantly, "sometimes….the way you come at me…I just, I'm just not….ready. Sometimes I want to show you how I feel about you and being with you and-"

"So, you're missing the romance?" She said snidely, it wasn't really a question he knew. Just words to hurt him.

He sighed, he cupped her cheek touching her gently until her eyes met his, "I just want to make sure we both…enjoy it that's all."

He placed his hands on her hips, he could see the tears in her eyes. "Come here," he whispered pulling her toward him. She stood between his legs and placed her head on his shoulder as he held her tightly. He rubbed her back soothingly.

"I'm sorry," she said pulling back.

"For what?" He asked tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

"For going crazy and making you crazy and taking something that is special to us, something be both love and enjoy about each other….making it a chore," she said softly. A tear escaped before she could stop it.

"Hey," he said wiping her face with his thumb, "I never said it was a chore. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"No, you didn't really. I'm just…..I-I don't know what I am," she said taking a deep breath, "desperate, I guess. I feel like the walls are closing in on me."

"I'm right here with you," he said agreeing. He felt the same way.

She laughed softly, "I know." Natalie wound her arms around his neck, they held each other for a moment before John drew back. He looked her up and down, "uhm…did you say you weren't wearing any panties?"

"I did but, now I have to get back to work," she said without missing a beat, "I don't work a whole lot these days and my boss is kinda being a jerk so….."

"I bet he's real sorry," John joked pulling her back towards him.

"I think we missed the window," Natalie raised her sad eyes to him.

"I just want to love my wife right now. I don't care about any 'windows'," John said pulling her lips to his.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 20

Natalie rushed home from her errands. John couldn't get away for lunch today and that was just as well. She had stopped at the drug store on the way home to pick up a test.

Jody was downstairs with Sean, she had watched him while Natalie had run out. Jody had turned into a God send to them. Her college schedule allowed her to help out during the days sometimes. At first so Natalie could work but, now she helps out more if Natalie needs run errands or get the other kids from school without disturbing Sean.

Sliding to the floor of their bathroom, she crossed her fingers while she waited on the test to process. She knew it was a long shot. None of the doctors thought it was likely to happen so quickly. They were sitting right at three months now. Which meant she would have gotten pregnant before the three month mark. She knew logically it was too soon but, all of the symptoms were there.

Laney's fourth birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas were behind them. Liam's sixth birthday was just days away. Sean would be two soon. 'How old would he get to be?' she wondered. Would she get to watch him grow up? Tears ran down her face, she hadn't allowed herself a good cry in a while. Her heart ached for her little boy. Could their family survive this if he didn't?

~jolie~

"Natalie," John said coming through the door.

"I'm here," she answered coming into the room from the kitchen.

"Hey sweetheart," he said turning to kiss her after putting his keys and phone down.

"Hey how was it today?" She asked, they both agreed she was needed at home more now than before for the time being at least but, she still missed going to work every day.

John did a double take when he saw her. "Uhm...it was quiet today," he looked over her again, "is that new?"

"This?" Natalie asked looking down at herself. The Navy blue wrap dress was nothing special, "gosh no.

This is probably the oldest thing I own," she smiled cheekily, "besides you of course."

"Uh-huh," John said putting his arms around her again and kissing her forehead, "well, I couldn't decide if I had seen it before or not." He moved around to the front of the couch to sit down.

"Well I used to wear it a lot before, "she said absently, "I got it back around the time Michael and Marcy got married….I wore it to her shower I think. I found it in the back of the closet…and it still fits," She said leaning over the back of the couch.

"Really? Well, it's pretty," he told her.

"Thanks," she said with a smile, "you hungry?"

"I could eat a horse," he said flipping through the mail, he suddenly realized it was too quiet, "where are the kids?"

"Liam and Alana are at the museum with Rex & Gigi and Sean is asleep in the playpen. I moved it into the dining room earlier so he wouldn't be disturbed. I could still see him though," Natalie looked over her shoulder and into the dining room where her son was napping.

"How has he been today?" John asked looking in the same direction. Natalie came around the couch to sit next to him. The medications he was on tending to make him drowsy. Their happy, laid back child mostly slept these days.

"Good. Actually, Rex and Gigi offered to watch him for a while tonight…" She let her voice trail off.

John looked at her suspiciously, "why?"

"Well, I was thinking we could take Liam and Laney out. Just the four of us. Do something special with them," she looked at him hopefully.

John sighed, "I was really hoping to get some work done upstairs tonight." He told her hoping she would understand. He could see the disappointment on her face. Something was telling him he should take this opportunity to spend time with his family.

"Oh," she said with a false brightness she didn't feel and plastered a fake smile on her face, "ok. Well, I'll get dinner started then. I know you're hungry." She stood to leave the room and he grabbed her hand as she passed.

"Hey," he said standing up, he fiddled with the fingers on her hand, "if you want to go out and do something, let's go. They would probably enjoy it."

She looked deeply into his eyes to try to determine whether or not he was appeasing her or if he meant it. Satisfied by what she saw there, she smiled brightly at him.

"It could be fun. We could go to Rodi's, Liam loves going there and getting the special treatment by the girls. We could get some burgers and play some pool?" He couldn't look away from the light in her eyes.

"You're so beautiful," he mumbled, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"What?" She laughed unsure if she heard him correctly.

"I love you," he said, still holding her hand he brought it to his lips and placed a kiss in her palm.

"I love you, too," she responded breathlessly, completely mesmerized by the look in his eyes.

John went to change while they waited for the kids to get back. Natalie had fed Sean so her brother or his wife wouldn't have to worry about it. John couldn't shake the fact that something felt off. Not necessarily bad or good just…weird. Something about this whole day was weird. Dismissing it as nothing more than being out of sorts because of all the stress they were under, John changed and headed back downstairs.

He knew that they had been focusing a lot of their attention onto Sean. With his illness and the added doctor appointments, conversations, meetings…trying to get pregnant. Everything seemed focused on Sean. They tried their best not to forget about Liam or Laney or push them aside in any way but, he knew they weren't getting as much attention as Sean was from every one.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 21

Walking into Rodi's with his family, John watched as with a smile as Liam rushed to the bar and climbed up into the seat.

"Hey there little man," Destiny said, "what can I get for you? A beer?" She teased.

"No," Liam giggled.

"Something with no caffeine, please," Natalie said from behind him.

Density smiled, "of course." She grabbed two frosted beer mugs and filled them with root beer, sliding them down the bar.

"I thought you were off tonight?" Natalie asked her friend. While Destiny was basically running the bar and restaurant now, both John and Natalie wanted to make sure she got to spend as much time with her own son as possible. They didn't want her working every day or night.

"I am. I get off in about twenty minutes. Sonny will be here any minute, he's pretty punctual," she smiled at her friend.

As the women talked together, John took the kids and got a table near the pool table.

"How are things going?" Destiny asked.

"Ok. Sean is doing well and hopefully soon we will have the miracle we need to help him," Natalie said cryptically.

"I hope so, I really do," Destiny replied kindly, "what can I do for you guys tonight?"

"Well, I need a burger with everything for John, chicken fingers for the kids, they can just split one and I want one of those salads that Joe makes and fries….big fries," Natalie smiled at her friend.

"You and your fries," Destiny laughed writing down their order, "I'll bring you over some drinks."

"Ok," Natalie turned to walk away but, remembered the most important thing, "oh, I'll take a water, no beer or soda tonight."

"Oh? Alright," Destiny said. Destiny thought it was odd for Natalie not to have a beer but, dismissed it quickly.

John was lost in thought when Natalie met up with her family.

"What's wrong?" She asked, startling him.

"Nothing," he smiled at her reassuringly, "we are all good and waiting to play, are we ready or what?" He turned to the kids.

"I am!" Liam said excitedly.

After playing one game their food was ready, as they ate John and Natalie listened to Liam relate the events of his day. The trip to the museum with Uncle Rex & lunch with Aunt Jessica and Ryder.

John often seeming a million miles away Natalie noticed.

"Are you sure there isn't anything you need to tell me?" Natalie asked him again.

"I'm positive," he answered as he racked the balls again, "I just feel a little off tonight, that's all. Honest."

"I hope you're not getting sick," she said worriedly.

"No, nothing like that," he smiled at her before leaning down and kissing her thoroughly.

"Ew, can you do that later? I want to play," Liam said as he patiently for the game to get set up.

John laughed, "you bet. How about you and Mommy against me and Laney?"

"Yes!" Liam exclaimed, "me and mom always win."

John stopped for a second, he looked from Liam who was laughing to Natalie who was looking back strangely. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and smiled at her and said, "why don't you break for them. Just dial it back a little, don't pocket all the balls."

She laughed and stuck her tongue out at him before leaning over and breaking gently as to leave all of the balls on the table. They took turns until there were just a few left.

Liam placed the cue on the table and Natalie leaned over his helping him line up the shot, "Mom…let me take this shot," Liam told her.

"Oh alright, well…just-just remember to hit the side of that red ball, ok?" Natalie said, pointing to the ball in question before backing off.

"That's cheating, she can't touch," Laney said indignantly, her voice was soft but, strong.

John snapped his head around to her, "what?" He said turning to Laney.

"She can't touch, it's cheating," she repeated turning to look at her father intently, her voice a little louder.

John couldn't tear his eyes off her. That was probably the most she had ever said at once. And John looked up at Natalie who was smiling back at him. She shrugged one shoulder. She was amused but, just as surprised as he was.

"Uhm…she's right. Those are the rules. Why don't you just…" he waved her away.

"Ok well just…just remember to pull the cue straight back…alright, and a little top spin and oh, don't forget to follow through," Natalie said.

"Mom, if you stop talking I could take this shot," Liam said to her agitatedly.

"I agree," John mumbled, causing both Natalie and Laney to chuckle.

Liam shot and missed.

"Ha, now it's our turn," Laney announced hopping off her chair.

There is was again, that feeling.

"John?" Natalie said getting concerned for him again.

"I'm fine," he mumbled to her, "now it's our turn," he said brightly to Laney, "here we go." He stood up from the chair he was straddling. The words fell out of his mouth, he didn't even have to think about it.

"What do I do?" The sweet, tiny, breathless voice beside him asked.

He crouched down beside her as he studied the table, "what do you do, huh…well how about the side pocket, I think the side pocket looks really good. What do you think?" He asked her and she nodded in agreement. He helped her move closer to the table and lift her cue, speaking to her quietly as he moved her hands around.

"Hey! You said that was cheating," Liam said indignantly.

"When did I say that?" John responded with a wink at his son. Liam and Natalie both rolled their eyes. His in frustration and hers in amusement.

"You ready?" He asked Laney. She nodded vigorously. "One thing we have to do first," he said as he leaned down and whispered in her ear, he kissed her cheek when he was done and together they took their shot at the eight ball. It slipped into the pocket easily.

"We win!" Laney said excitedly.

"You won darling," he said, she turned to face him and he tucked her hair back from her face, "I love you sweetie," he said finally.

"I love you too daddy," her voice going back down to her soft, tiny breathless tone.

"Go shake hands with your brother..ok, good game," he smiled as he watched as his children shake hands like adults. "Alright," he said looking at his watch, "we have time for one more game let's rack them quick, before we need to get going alright. Heaven only knows what Uncle Rex is doing to our house. He's probably got his feet up on my couch," John said as he stood back and waited to the kids to rack the balls. He hadn't seen Natalie approach him until she was right beside him.

"What did you whisper in her ear?" She asked quietly. He smiled shyly as he looked into her eyes, the feeling of déjà vu practically knocking him over. Trying to recover quickly so she wouldn't notice, he closed his eyes and the words tumbled from his mouth.

"I told her I liked her hair," he said turning to her with a wink.

"Totally wrapped around her finger," Natalie muttered as she walked away.

"This time I get Dad," Liam announced, seeing the look on his sister's face he said to her, "it's only fair."

"Hey, I'm the pool champion here…why aren't you fighting over me?" Natalie said sarcastically.

"No offence Mom but, you smother me," Liam said seriously causing his parents to burst out in laughter.

John stopped laughing abruptly. Where had he heard that before? He racked his brain, he couldn't remember Liam ever saying that before but, yet he seemed to remember him doing it. John sat down quickly.

"John," Natalie was instantly by his side, "what is it?"


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 22

"I don't know," he said rubbing his hand over his face.

"Maybe we should go home," she said, her brow furrowed, concern etched on her face.

"No," he said looking back at her, "no, I'm fine. I'm not sick. The kids are having fun."

"You're worrying me," she said sternly, trying not to panic. With everything finally coming together she couldn't bear it if something was wrong with him.

He sighed."If it happens again, we'll go ok?" He said to her before standing up and addressing his kids, "are we ready to play or what? Huh? Come on, I'll break this time," John said moving away from her.

They played through without incident until two balls remained on the table, Liam shot and hit the ball dead on and sunk it in the pocket.

"Hey, where'd you learn to play like that?" He asked his son jokingly.

"From Mom obviously," Liam answered proudly.

"Hey…" John teased him, "not funny."

Natalie laughed, and supplied, "but true." John gave her a mock glare and she blew him a kiss.

"This is it…this is for the championship," Liam said as he lined up his next shot. John stood behind him, he could see that there was no way he would be able to hit the ball from this angle.

"Ok," John said, "let's go."

He snapped the stick forward but, the cue ball came up short. Liam was chest fallen, he was sure he had that shot.

"Sorry Dad," he mumbled. Natalie smiled and shook her head at Liam, he was just as competitive as she was. She saw him bring his eyes to his father, waiting for a comforting word from him.

But, John was lost again.

He'd froze. He heard a rushing in his ears then it was almost as if he was outside his body looking in at this moment. He looked at Natalie's blue dress again. He looked down at his maroon dress shirt, running a hand over it. He looked between his children. He'd finally figured it out. Why he'd felt so off today, why everything seemed so weird. It was playing like a movie over and over in his head.…and he'd seen it before. Before today. There were a few differences but, he knew he'd lived this moment before.

"John," Natalie said, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. She didn't want to scare her children but, she didn't know what to do. John shook his head to clear it, as he'd done a hundred times already tonight. He looked down at Liam.

"No worries, you did great," John replied with a smile and running his hand over Liam's head, "alright you two little hustlers, let's get you home. It's getting late, it's time for bed. Did you have fun?"

"Yup," Liam said, Laney nodding by his side.

"Did you bring your money?" John asked them.

This time both kids shook their heads no.

"No? I guess I'm paying…wait I own this place, right? We don't have to pay," John laughed, both kids joined him. Natalie however wasn't amused. He could see by the look on her face.

"Hey, why don't you guys go ask Sonny for one more drink? Ok?" John said to the kids as Natalie collected the sticks and put them up and started cleaning up their table, "hey only Sprite thought ok?" He added and the kids nodded and ran off toward the bar.

"Hey," John said grabbing her hands and stopping her movement.

"Yeah," she said absently.

"Listen-"

"No, you listen. I don't need this right now ok? Something is wrong with you and you need to tell me what

the hell is going on…now. Are you having a stroke or a seizure or…..what? What is going on?" She was worried he would continue to refuse to tell her.

"I've felt…off all day. Strange you know but, not sick. I'm not sick," he told her firmly, "I haven't been able to put my finger on it….until just a minute ago."

"What?" She asked, not bothering to hide her confusion.

"Natalie," John took a deep breath, realizing how crazy this was going to sound, "this was my dream."

Natalie looked at John, confusion still etched in her face.

"What?" She asked again.

"This was my _dream_. My dream, Natalie….remember?" He said. She remembered his dream, though he never really had gone into too much detail. She knew it was about them, in the future with their children. A boy and a girl.

"Your dream…from your accident?" She asked hesitantly.

He nodded his head, "almost exactly….a few things are different but…yeah," he looked around Rodi's, his eyes falling on his children, "this is my dream."

"John-"

"This explains why Sean wasn't in it. This explains a lot," he said running things over in his mind. He braced both hands on the pool table while the thought things through.

"John, are-are you sure," she asked gently.

John nodded absently but, he answered proving he had heard exactly what she said, "the kids are a little younger….we're a little older," standing up straight and turning to her, "down to this damn blue dress." He fingered the sleeve of her dress, "you know what this means now don't you?" He asked fiercely, "what this proves without a doubt?"

"You're sure? You're sure this was your dream? Us…here…at Rodi's?" She asked one last time.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life….ever," he said strongly gazing into her eyes.

Natalie looked into his face, seeing that he truly believed what he was saying. 'Stranger things have happened,' she thought. She smiled slowly, "well then I guess that means that we are truly meant to be," she placed her hands on his hips and pressed her mouth to his.

She pulled away abruptly and smiled again, "there was something I was going to tell you later," she said nervously, "but, this seems to be the perfect time instead."

"What is it?" He asked, his brow furrowed.

She bit her lip, trying to control her emotions. She'd said the words before but, she supposed you never truly got used to it.

"I'm pregnant," she stated emotionally.

"Pregnant?" He questioned. His voice flat, Natalie sighed.

"You do realize that I've told you this now three times in our lives and three times in our lives all you could do is repeat the word," she said, her voice void of humor. John shook himself out of this shock.

"I'm sorry," he chuckled softly and let out a breath of relief, "another baby. To save Sean."

"Another baby…..maybe to help Sean," she reminded him, shaking her head sadly, "this might not work John."

John felt incredibly and uncharacteristically optimistic, "it will work, Natalie," he cupped her face with both hands, "have faith. I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to take care of everything."

Natalie was surprised by his words but, she wasn't ready to believe it just yet. She wound her arms further around his waist and placed her head on his shoulder to hide her fear from him. They couldn't lose this baby, they just couldn't.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 23

Once they had informed Sean's doctor's of her pregnancy, there was nothing to do but wait the nine months. They prepared Sean's body for the transplant with medications in hopes that this baby would be a close enough match.

Liam's birthday came and went as did Sean's. Natalie's pregnancy progressed without incident. They monitored her blood pressure as they had done before. John had been true to his word. When he was home, he pampered her more than during any other pregnancy they'd had before, to the point of aggravation. And when he couldn't be home he arranged for someone to always be there with her so she wasn't alone.

This went on for months…..and it was driving her crazy.

She slammed the cabinet door shut. "I'm not sick John, I don't need a babysitter!" She found herself yelling at him one morning when he announced he would have to stay home from work because he could find anyone to stay with her.

"But, if you need help-"

"I don't. I'm pregnant, I'm not an invalid," she sighed, trying to see his point of view but, wished he'd try to see hers too, "Liam and Laney will be at school most of the day. It's just me and Sean here, I can handle it." 'All Sean does is sleep anyways', she thought but, didn't add out loud.

"I just don't want you to get stressed," he told her.

"What is stressing me out is having someone in my face every day and not having any time for myself," she told him tiredly, all the fight gone out of her.

He watched as she rubbed her eyes, he could see she was exhausted and it was even eight am yet.

Sighing he decided she was right, "I just want to tuck you into bed and keep you there until this baby comes," he said, feeling properly chastised.

"I know John but, aside from Laney…all of our pregnancies have been normal," she reached across the table to cover his hand with hers, "I'm definitely far enough along now, we don't have to worry about a miscarriage. My blood pressure is a little elevated but so far it's nothing we have to worry about. I'll be fine for a few hours alone. You'll come home for lunch, I'm sure" – she paused waiting for his confirmation and continued at his nod - "and a few hours later for dinner so….nothing to worry about."

John nodded, "two more months," he said.

"Two more months," Natalie repeated back, worry prickling the back of her mind.

He had been so strong for them for so long, he was bound to crack sooner or later. Natalie just hoped they could all handle it when he did.

~jolie~

Since John had taken over for her uncle, he'd hardly ever been late coming home. Occasionally there was something that required his attention before he left. If there was a break in a big case or they needed him along on a high profile call –typically that usually involved her Uncle Todd or someone in his family.

So when he didn't come for dinner, one night weeks later the prickling returned to the back of her mind. Getting stronger as the hours passed. She couldn't reach him on his cell or office phone. The desk sergeant told her he'd left hours ago without a word to anyone.

Natalie regretfully called Susan at home to see if she had any idea of what John was doing before she left earlier, apologizing for the late night call.

"Well," Susan started hesitantly, "there was an incident today but, when I left he said he was fine…." She let her voice trail off.

"What happened?" Natalie asked, her heart pounding wildly in her chest.

"There was a call…" Again the woman seemed to be apprehensive.

"Susan, please just tell me. I'm going crazy here. He's never late without telling me and I'm worried," Natalie begged.

"There was a call…a-a child left in a car. He was pretty upset when he returned. He tore up his office pretty good. He wouldn't let me help him put it back together but, like I said I checked on him before I left, a few hours later and he said he was fine. I'm sorry Natalie, I don't know where he went," Susan apologized. Susan knew John was lying, she'd never seen him ever effect by a call as he was with this one. They all were, it hit pretty close to home for everyone. It was a rough afternoon.

Natalie had sat down heavily in a chair as Susan explained. She'd never worked a case like that but, she'd seen photos when she was studying in the forensic program. It must have been horrific. She couldn't remember there ever been a case like that in Llanview. She felt the bile rush to her throat.

"Oh my God," Natalie whispered, swallowing hard she said, "I think I know where he is. Thanks for your help," Natalie choked out before hanging up.

She couldn't leave the house she had three sleeping children, it was almost midnight. Natalie called the only other person who understood John the way she did.

~jolie~

John finished off six of the twelve beers he had brought with him before he ever even sat down. Slowing down on his seventh, he slumped down onto the old bench thanking the roof gods it was still here. He didn't think his legs could hold him anymore. He finished his seventh and as with the other six, he hurled it against the brick wall for no other reason than to watch it smash and crumble to pieces onto the concrete.

Reaching over to grab another, anger coursing through his veins, he wasn't even feeling the effects of the alcohol. He needed something stronger, he thought. He twisted the top off and flung it away.

"Is that helping at all?" John looked up to see his brother standing there.

John hesitated before he shook his head, "nope," he answered handing one to his brother. Michael took it then sat down next to his brother. Both sat in silence taking long pulls off the beers before Michael spoke again.

"I was there when they brought him in…nine months old they said," Michael said conversationally, taking a drink of his beer.

"Yup," was all that John provided. Both men staring off into the night for minutes.

"Roxy is going to kick your ass when she sees that mess," Michael said in the same tone.

"Yup," John agreed. The silence was awkward and strained.

"You have one extremely pregnant and extremely stress out wife at home," Michael said.

John sighed deeply, it wasn't that he hadn't thought about Natalie these last few hours. He had and he didn't want to face her. He let his head bow lowly, "fuck."

"Yup," Michael mimicked him, finishing his drink, "I get it you know. It hits a little too close to home-"

"You don't get it," John said in a dangerously quiet voice, "your sons are healthy."

"So you've cornered the market on grief because yours isn't?" Michael asked him. John stood and hurled the bottle at the wall with all his might. Before turning to his brother defiantly.

"Fuck you Mike," John said fiercely, hoping he would stand up and hit him. He wanted nothing more than to smash his face in.

Michael looked his brother up and down, knowing he wanted a fight. He wasn't going to get one.

"Let me drive you home John," he told him, "you're in no condition to be on your own."

John didn't answer. He walked to the edge of the roof and looked down. For a split second he saw Natalie laying on the sidewalk, broken and bleeding. He shook his head and rubbed a hand over his face walking back over to the bench. Dizziness was hitting him in waves.

"I'm fighting so hard to hang on to my son," John said his voice breaking. Sitting down heavily, a sob escaping before he could continue, "and some bastard just threw his away." John was gulping air trying to control himself, "what do I do with that?" John cleared his throat and wipe his face, "Do you have any idea how hard it was to be at the station, not go downstairs and kill that fucking bastard?"

Michael spoke quietly, "there's ugliness to what we both do. We see kids at the hospital all the time that we know are being abused…there are procedures sure but, really we can't take matters into our own hands. We report it and it's up to someone else to follow through. You know this John, you knew it when you went into the academy. Some people are just animals. So you go home and you hold your son a little tighter tonight. All your kids. That's what I did," Michael told him, "and your wife too, because that could very well be your third son she is carrying. She's ready any day now."

"I can't face her," John said quickly. He was embarrassed by the way he handled this today.

"So…you're going to live up here forever?" Michael asked sarcastically as he stood up and went to the stairs and disappeared.

John rolled his eyes. Of all the people she could have sent, and she sends this clown. John knew he was right. What good was he going anyone sitting up here drinking and angry? It wasn't helping that little boy. It wasn't helping Natalie and it sure as hell wasn't helping him.

Michael returned with a broom and dust pan. John watched him with amusement struggle for a few minutes to collect the glass bits only to turn around and have nowhere to put them. "Fool," John muttered shaking his head, as he himself hurried down the stairs to the supply closet Roxy had on the top floor. He grabbed a trash bag and went help clean up the mess he made.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 24

Natalie found herself pacing back and forth across the living room. Glancing at the clock on the mantle every time she passed it by. It was almost two in the morning. Michael had texted her from the hotel that he had found John's truck parked outside. She knew he would go to the roof. That was where he always used to go to think. For whatever reason, he felt he couldn't come home so it was only logical he would go there.

It broke her heart to think he thought he couldn't come home. How many times has she cried on his shoulder and raged and yell and threw things in the sanctity of their bedroom? He never judged her for it. He held her until she cried herself out. Would he not think she would do the same?

At that moment, the door opened. Michael stepped through then aside and waited for John to trudge in. Natalie waited spinning her wedding rings around her finger. She stopped herself from gasping when she saw him.

He looked horrible, haggard and rough. She could smell him from the middle of the living room. She waited for him to meet her eyes with his but, he kept his toward the floor. Natalie glanced at Michael and he nodded at her.

"John," she said softly. He finally looked up and met her eyes with his. She didn't expect the torment and anguish she saw there. She didn't know what to say to him. She just looked back at him fiercely trying to convey just how much she loved him. He moved quickly across the room, gently but firmly pulling her into his arms. He held her as tightly and as closely as he dared without hurting her. Natalie slid her arms around his neck and held him close as well, looking over his shoulder to mouth 'thank you' to Michael who simply gave her a nod and a wave as he closed the door behind him.

They held each other for what seemed like to Natalie a long time. Finally pulling back from him she asked, "can I run you a bath?" She wasn't prepared for the chuckle he let out.

"A bath?" He asked, he hadn't expected her to say that.

"Well, you always run me one when I've….had a bad day," she smiled softly at him, "it helps me, it might help you."

"Will you get in with me?" John asked her softly, he just wanted to hold her that was all.

Natalie laughed, "I'm not sure the three of us will fit," she said pulling back further to rub her swollen belly.

John reached out slowly and touched her stomach. Tears filled his eyes, "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "you should be in bed resting." He pulled away and ran a hand over his face, "I'm so sorry." He repeated.

"No, it's ok. I understand," she told him, "I was just…so worried. I called Susan, she told me what happened today."

All John could do was nod. "I've seen…pictures but, I can't even imagine," she said, her own tears gathering.

"Yeah," John wiped his face, his voice cracking, "it was….it was bad. A boy. Nine months old."

"Yeah, Michael told me that," she gazed up at him, "I'm so sorry John."

"I should have come home. I should have called. It was irresponsible and uh…I'm just sorry," he said looking her in the eye, "it won't happen again."

"Did you think I wouldn't understand?" She asked gently but confused. She had hoped that she didn't give him the feeling that he couldn't talk to her.

"No, I don't know, you know…I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you not the other way around," he told her, looking everywhere but at her.

"John, I always thought we were in this together. We take care of each other," the confusion still written all over her face, "where is this coming from?"

"I don't know," he walked past her to the window, his anger returning, "I just want everything back the way it was….for that _brief_ moment before it all fell apart. Before I left you, before Sean got sick, before Marty fucking Saybroke walked into our living room and her husband dropped that bomb that Kaitlin was still alive on me."

Surprised by the anger in his voice, she walked up behind him and slipped her arms around his waist, "we can't go back John, we can only go forward."

"I know," he closed his eyes and sighed. He rubbed his hand over hers where she was holding him, "let's get you to bed. You need to get some rest."

Natalie waited standing at the bottom of the stairs and waited while he locked the door and set the alarm. She held up one hand as he came back toward her, "you are going to at least shower, aren't you? I could smell you the moment you walk in the house."

"I thought you were going to run me a bath?" He asked in mock shock, trying to lighten the dark mood he created. She grabbed his hand and lead him upstairs. Instead of a bath, she started the shower for him. She helped him take off his clothes, then he helped her with hers. Standing under the spray of the shower he told her again how sorry he was and she in turned showed him how much she loved him.

~jolie~

There were a lot of special moments in his life that John would never forget. Some good, some bad. The day that baby was found would be one. The day his father died. The day he joined the FBI. The day he met Natalie. The day each of his children were born. And this one would be no exception.

Each child came into this world a different way. Liam, up at Asa Buchanan's cabin in the woods….breach. Alana, premature in a London hospital and Sean on the floor of Rodi's very, very quickly.

This one however would be well planned out. They would induce Natalie in the morning and if it came as quickly as it's brothers and sister did, it would be here by lunch time. John woke hours before the alarm and laid there watching his wife sleep. Something he hadn't done in a long time. He used to tease her that she was a 'bed hog'. Soon after they would climb into bed she would be wound around him, almost pinning him down.

She had always been like that, even years ago. The first night they spend together on the roof of the hotel, he had woke before her. She was practically on top of him. He never really minded even though he teased her about it. It made him feel safe, although he would never admit it out loud. The exception to all of this of course would be when she was pregnant. He laughed quietly, she couldn't really reach him. She was more comfortable with a pillow between her knees and sometimes one under her belly, which didn't leave much room for him.

He couldn't help it, he had to touch her. He reached over and smoothed the hair of her forehead. Natalie was usually a very hard sleeper so he was surprised when her sleepy eyes blinked up at him.

"Hey," she said groggily, trying to shift closer to him, "what time is it?

"Not time to get up yet," he responded, running his hand over her side.

"Then why are we awake?" She asked with a smile, her eyes still closed.

"Savoring the quiet while it lasts," he smiled back at her. He ran his fingers deeper through her hair.

"After today," she said opening her eyes, "we are going to have four kids…..I can hardly believe it."

John scoffed in agreement, rolling onto his back. "Who would have ever thought huh? After the way we started out?" He rubbed a hand over his face.

"Are you happy John?" Natalie asked, her voice dead serious.

He looked over at her surprised she would ask him that. He sat up on his side and leaned over on his elbow. His finger's finding her hair again coming to rest on her cheek, "happier than I ever imagined." He placed a kiss on her forehead. Pulling back he watched as her smile reappeared.

"Good," she said, "it's about to get bumpier you know," her eyebrows raised in question at him. Before he could answer he heard Sean stirring and crying a little softly on the monitor.

"I am aware," he replied smirking at her, then getting up to attend to his son.

She watched John leave the room. He loved his children, no question but, sometimes her insecurities surfaced without warning. Sometimes she wondered if all of this was more than he'd bargained for. He was definitely not the same man she'd met all of those years ago. She snorted, and yet he was. The loner in him was gone, she supposed that was it.

She, herself had never thought about being a mother until she met Christian. It wasn't her dream as a child to have four kids. While she loved Christian and Jared still in a way, she was glad John was the father of her children. She couldn't imagine anything being any different for them. It almost was though, if Marty hadn't lost her baby, Natalie wasn't sure they would have gotten another chance. John says he doesn't believe that but, Natalie did. He would have stayed with Marty until Marty asked him to leave.

Was it selfish of her to be thankful things worked out the way they did? She wasn't sure but, she was thankful. So very thankful to have her family and she prayed to God he let them all stay together.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 25

With the children safely tucked away with family members for the day, John and Natalie headed for the hospital. Natalie would deliver the baby, the doctors would harvest the cord blood- whatever that entailed neither of them was sure if they understood completely –they would test it against Sean and God willing they could do the transplant as soon as they were able. The doctor said that since Sean was only two and the umbilical cord blood cells are very immature there is less of a need for matching exactly, they only have to match partially being as which the cord blood was from a sibling. The question was how long, if ever -before he needed another.

Natalie hoped they could do this procedure before the end of the week. John told her she was being very optimistic. The blood could be frozen until they were ready to use it and John didn't want them to rush for rushings sake. He wanted them to do this when it was the right time.

Checked in and ushered into a room, Natalie started to feel the rumblings of panic deep within her. Shoving those thoughts away she did as instructed, changing into a gown and hoping up onto the bed. John had been shuffled to a different room to sign papers and present whatever information the hospital required, so once the nurse left the room Natalie was left alone. Her irrational thoughts were starting to take over.

What if something was wrong with the baby? What if this baby was sick too? What if this baby hated her for bringing it into the world for the sole purpose of saving it's brother? What if she couldn't take care of this baby and Sean? Over and over, crazy thought after crazy thought ran across her mind. The silence of the room was deafening. It was almost so silent her ears were starting to ring.

All at once the door burst open, a myriad of people pouring in loudly. Speaking around her, the flurry of activity making her head spin. Suddenly John was by her side.

"Hey," he said, "you ready to do this?" He asked rhetorically. Her eyes were trying to follow the people as they bustled around her, one hooking her up to an iv, one strapping a blood pressure cuff on her, one pushing buttons on the machine next to her.

"No," she said quietly.

"What?" John asked barely hearing her.

"No, I'm not ready to do this….can we stop?" She asked in a stronger voice, turning to look at him.

For a slit second he thought she was joking, a smile forming on his lips until he saw her face. "What is it? What's wrong?" He asked, concern laced in his voice.

"I don't want to do this today. I can't have this baby today. Can we stop? Make them stop," she said her panic growing.

"Sweetheart, they've already started to give you the medicine, I-I don't think-"

"John, I don't want to do this today, we can't do this today," she practically shouted grabbing the front of his shirt trying to get out of the bed. A nurse tried to gently grab her arm so she wouldn't tear out the iv, while John tried to keep her in the bed.

"Hold on…just hold on," he was saying, completely confused by her. She had been relaxed earlier, they had been joking and laughing.

"What's going on Natalie?" Dr. Wright asked appearing at her side.

"I don't know," Natalie said, struggling to catch her breath, "I just don't want to do this right now."

"Ok, listen to me….you're having a panic attack. I need for you to relax so you can catch your breath. I don't want you to hyperventilate, alright. Tell me why you don't want to do this today," the doctor spoke calmly to her.

Natalie found herself relaxing slightly, "I don't know, I'm just not ready," she answered laying her head back against the pillows.

"I can understand that, there is a lot riding on the birth of this child for you. But, I promise I will make it just as special as the births of your other children. You'll love this baby just as much from the moment you hold it," Vivian paused to let her kind words sink in before informing her of the reality, "we've already started the medicine in your iv, we can't stop it now. Your baby is on its way today, hopefully sometime in the next few hours. You've been very lucky that none of your labors have been long, so that gives us hope that this little one's won't be either."

The doctor looked around the room, only one nurse remained. "Judy is here if you need anything. I suggest that the _both_ of you use the next few hours to rest," she looked at both of them before adding, "call me if you need anything." And she promptly left the room.

Nurse Judy echoed her words and turned on her heel and was out the door quickly.

"Are you ok?" John asked gently. Natalie turned her tear filled eyes to him and shook her head no. He stroked her the hair around her face, trying to comfort her, "do you want to talk about it?" He asked her.

"It's stupid," she replied wiping her face.

"It's not stupid if you're worried," he responded speaking quietly to her, "you were fine earlier and now you're not. What's going on in your head?"

"I don't know…honestly. I just have all of these thoughts rattling around and….what if," Natalie sighed, "what if this baby doesn't help Sean, and he dies," Natalie's voice caught, "and-and….I can't…..what if I can't love this baby because Sean is gone?" She asked barely getting the words out.

"Natalie-"

"I'm perfectly serious John. What then?" She asked.

"I don't think you would do that but, let's say this doesn't work. They still have information out there for non family donors. One could still become available," he suggested, "since when are you the pessimist and I'm the optimist? When did these roles reverse for us?" Keeping his tone soft, he tried to lighten the mood for her.

"I don't know what's come over you but, I have extra hormones flowing through me right now," Natalie answered flatly, staring off into space.

"I'm going to lower the lights and you should get some rest. We were awake pretty early this morning…" John let his voice trail off as he stood up and crossed the room to dim the lights. When he returned to side she slid over in the bed making room for him. They lay side by side waiting for their lives to change yet again.

~jolie~

The rest didn't help Natalie at all. "I still don't think I can do this!" The panic was back in her voice hours later as the room erupted with activity. The contractions were on top of each other. She felt as though she needed to push.

"Natalie honey, you've done this before," Vivian said as she entered the room. Natalie wasn't talking about giving birth and John knew it.

"It's ok, remember," he said picking up her hand and kissing her fingers, "I'm here with you. Me and you, we can do this."

"No John you don't understand, I can't do this now-"

"Natalie, I need you to relax," the doctor called out.

"I can't, I'm trying….this is just going too fast. Can we stop?" The contractions were non-stop now and Natalie couldn't ignore her body's natural instinct to push when they told her too.

"I can give her something John but, I'd rather not," Dr. Vivian Wright had been Natalie's doctor for Liam and Sean but, had never delivered any of John and Natalie's children. She wasn't sure if the panic that Natalie was experiencing was a normal reaction for her during child birth, "has she experienced this before?"

"Not with Sean but, before they took her away with Alana…yes I think so," John looked distraught, there was nothing he could do for her. He stroked her hair and tried to calm her.

"It could just be the adrenaline rush that is causing the panic, know that we are monitoring her ok?" Vivian finished quickly, John nodded at her, "Natalie," she said in a louder voice trying to draw the woman's attention to her. Using a bright tone she said, "I see the head, tons on dark hair just like daddy….we are almost there honey. I just need you to try to relax and focus ok?"

"I can't," Natalie said breathlessly, "I can't think." But leaning forward anyway as instructed by a nurse and started pushing with all her might.

"One seventy-seven over one oh five doctor," a nurse called out.

"That's ok," Vivian said conversationally, almost as if she hadn't heard the nurse or registered the dangerously high blood pressure she called out, "I don't need you to think. Just let your body do all the work ok? Now listen Natalie, we have both shoulders out now, I'm going to need one more big push from you. Can you do that for me?" Vivian called out.

John couldn't see what she was doing from where he sat holding Natalie's hand but, she seemed to be working furiously while keeping her tone light. He didn't know how doctor's did it. He'd heard the nurse loud and clear. He knew that number was extremely high. He could see the distress in Natalie's red face, where sweating and tears mingling.

"And we have a baby folks," John heard the doctor say after a few more pushes on Natalie's part, just as a loud cry filled the room, "John, I understand that you haven't yet had the opportunity to cut the cord from any of your children," Vivian said with a smile, "would you like to now?"

He hadn't really thought about it but, it was true. All he could do was nod, he was overwhelmed with emotion. The baby was already partially wrapped in a blanket, and crying loudly. The doctor instructed him on what to do and after he had completed the task, the small, wet crying human was placed in his arms. He never got over this feeling.

A nurse was standing in front of him trying to dry the wiggling creature as much as she could while it was in his arms. "What is it?" John asked her, tears stinging his eyes. The nurse just smiled kindly and opened the blanket so he could see for himself. He couldn't help but, laugh out loud.

"A girl Natalie, a girl-" finally turning to his wife, her eyes were closed and she wasn't moving, "Natalie? Natalie?!" He started to move forward but was held back by the same kind nurse from before.

"She's stable John, her blood pressure is coming back down –she's just fainted. I promise," Vivian said from Natalie's side, "why don't you go with Nurse Nancy there and take your newest daughter to the nursery for a proper bath. We are working on harvesting the cord blood we need and I would like to keep an eye on Natalie for a little bit."

_"__How come every time I open my eyes from the dark there you are?" _

"I have to be there when she wakes up," John looked at Natalie but spoke to the doctor.

"You will be. She's exhausted John, she'll sleep for a while. Take care of the baby right now, I'll come get you when we are done," Vivian said as she ushered him to the door.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 26

Natalie struggled to open her eyes. She felt as though her lids where glued shut. She blinked up at the darkened ceiling.

"Hey," she heard from her left. Turning her head she found him sitting at her side. He reached out and pushed her hair back, "how do you feel?"

"What happened?" She asked, trying to remember.

"What do you remember?" He asked gently.

She took a deep breath and rubbed her forehead, "the baby?" Her voice was rough with exhaustion. John stood up and took a few steps away. He lifted the sleeping baby into his arms and returned to Natalie's side. Natalie noticed in the dim light of the room that the blanket was pink. "A girl?" She smiled at him, his eyes were already filled this unshed tears as he placed the tiny baby in her arms. With a nod he answered, "a girl."

"What happened?" Natalie said looking down at her daughter.

"You passed out. Vivian said it was exhaustion, you've been asleep for hours," he told her quietly.

"I did? I don't even remember," she said finally looking at him. The look on his face was unreadable, "are you ok?"

John shrugged, and rubbed his face, "you scared me." He said finally.

"John, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," she told him, feeling terrible about making him suffer.

"I'm just glad you're awake, someone was missing you too," he smiled and nodded toward the baby.

"Right, she looked pretty sacked out there," she smiled back, "daddy took good care of her." She looked down at her new daughter in awe, "I really thought it was a boy."

"You did?" He asked her

She nodded, "yeah, but, this is pretty ok too….except…."

"Except what?" He asked.

"I only had boys names picked out," Natalie said turning to face him.

"That's what Marcy said you told her, she brought us her book," John said holding up the book of baby names from the table next to her bed.

"Find anything yet?" she asked him, amusement dancing in her eyes.

"A few."

"Well, what do you think?"

"OK, well you know we've got this Irish/Gaelic thing going on here,"

"Sure,"

"Well, there's Keeley, that means beautiful and she is definitely that, just like her mother and big sister," he said smiling at her.

"Mmm, Keeley McBain?" Natalie wrinkled up her nose, "eh, I don't hate it. What else?"

"Ok, well there's Lily, that means pure. Not sure I am sold on that one," he said flipping through the book.

"Lily McBain, it's ok. Do you have anything else?" She wasn't sure she was sold on it either, her hair was dark, and Natalie noticed that she looked just like Liam when he was a baby. Exactly like him.

"Well, she's here hopefully to give more life to Sean right? Beathag means life-"

"Beathag? Beathag? Are you serious?" Natalie couldn't believe what she'd heard. It had to be the worse baby name ever, what was he thinking.

"It means life," he mumbled, he wasn't serious but, it was funny watching her get worked up about it.

"Can you imagine the teasing on the play ground? The kids will call her hag John!" She noticed his smile and realized he was kidding her, "oh you're a funny, funny man."

"What about Jolie?" He suggested out of the blue.

"Jolie? What does it mean?" She wasn't sure if she liked it or not. It was different, she'd never heard it before.

"Actually, it means cheerful and pretty," he said reading from the book.

"It's kinda sweet. Jolie McBain," she said trying it out, "Jolie McBain."

"Jolie Victoria McBain," John said after her.

"Really?" She asked her smile growing.

He shrugged again, "just a thought."

A smile slowly spread across her face, "I like it but, what about your mom? Do you think she would be hurt?"

"Sean is named after me, my father and my grandfather, who was her father. And Laney is named after my dad's mom so no, I don't think she will be hurt. We've balance the 'naming after' quite well I think," he told her.

"We have," she agreed rubbing the baby's dark hair. "She looks just like Liam did, remember?"

"Yeah, she does," he looked away finally from his daughter's face, "they say they got everything they needed and they'll run some preliminary tests in the morning."

Natalie just nodded, she was too emotional to speak.

"It will work Natalie-"

"You don't know that John," she said quickly cutting him off, her voice breaking a little, "you don't know what's going to happen and you have no control of the outcome."

"You're right but, I can't bear to think of the alternative," he told her looking away.

"What time is it?" She asked not only to change the subject but, she was curious as it was dark outside.

"Eight I think," he answered gazing back at his newest little girl.

"Have the kids been here yet?" She had hoped to see their faces when they met their new sister.

"They're on their way now they should be here any minute-" the door to the room opened at that second and Liam and Laney bounded in, Eve, Viki and Clint following behind with Sean. Natalie looked around the room, and all the love that it held at this moment. She hoped it always stayed this way, she had four kids in her arms and the man that she loved sitting next to her. She wanted nothing else in the world.


	28. Chapter 28

Epilogue

August 2023

Natalie stood barefooted looking out her bedroom window. She'd kicked off her black heels the moment she got to the room. They lay abandoned in the corner of the room. The sky was bright blue, barely a cloud to be seen. It was neither too hot or too cold today. A perfect day, 'he would have loved it,' she thought.

John stood at the doorway of their bedroom watching her. In her modest black dress, and her bare feet. Her hair was pulled back severely into a ponytail. He'd lost his black jacket and tie hours ago, he'd rolled up his sleeves and untcked his white dress shirt. John took a few steps in and kicked off his shoes next to hers and crossed the room to her.

He placed his hands on her shoulders and squeezed gently before running them down her arms to encircle her in his own. She closed her eyes and leaned back into him.

"Can I run you a bath?" He asked her.

"Mm, not right now," she answered, "maybe later. Where is everyone?" The house was too quiet.

"Downstairs with my mom," he answered placing a kiss at her temple, "she is going to stay the night with Michael and Marcy."

"Oh why? We have plenty of room," Natalie's brow furrowed, she didn't want Eve to think she wasn't welcome. She had been a tremendous help this past week.

"She just thought we would appreciate being alone as a family tonight," John said. "I'm going to finish changing though and go down to help her," John gave Natalie another kiss to the cheek, before asking gently, "were you planning on changing too? Do you need help with your zipper?"

Natalie smiled inwardly, any other day that would have been a seductive come on but, not today. She knew he didn't mean it that way.

"Sure, I should go down and help her, too," Natalie answered as they both turned for the closet.

"I can handle it, why don't you take a nap or something?" John told her as they entered the closet, he stopped behind her and pulled the zipper of her dress down and held her hand as she stepped out of it.

"I don't need a nap John, I'm not tired," she said trying to keep her voice even. He was doing what he does best, take care of her.

"You've had a long day-"

"Yes and it's not over," she turned with a smile, donning a pair of old faded jeans and one of his old t-shirts, "dinner has to be made and showers and baths have to be taken. The world doesn't stop because someone…dies," she barely got the last word out.

"No, I suppose it doesn't," he said sighing, "however there is so much food down there, we won't have to cook for at least a week."

She followed him downstairs, the living room was full of people but, the silence was deafening. Michael and Marcy stood up when they came down.

"Hey, we were going to get going if that's ok?" Michael said, he was still in his black suit and she was in her dress clothes, too.

"Of course, you guys. I'm fine," Natalie smiled at them, "go home and change and relax." Michael nodded as they headed for the door, she stopped them before they reached it, "hey, I just want you guys to know how thankful we are for everything you've done-"

"Don't mention it, we're family," Michael said interrupting her, and giving her a smirking grin. Natalie was embraced by both of them before they left. Natalie scanned the living room taking inventory of who was where.

Her husband and mother-in-law were standing next to the stairs deep in conversation, her two beautiful daughters, who had already been changed out of their black dresses were playing together quietly with new dolls that their Grandma Eve had brought them. And her oldest son was sat on the brick hearth of the fireplace. He was still in his black suit from the funeral. It broke her heart to see him so lost and sad.

Natalie walked over and sat down next to him.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he mumbled back.

"How are you?" She asked him hesitantly, the two of them had been so close.

He shrugged.

"Yeah me too," she sighed and leaned her elbows on her knees, mimicking his pose.

"It's not fair," he mumbled.

"No, it's not. Neither one of us had enough time with him that is for sure," Natalie said, "people will tell us that we will always have our memories of him and all of the fun times we had together."

Liam snorted.

Natalie chuckled, "yeah, I'm not buying it yet either but, we do have each other. And if you need or want to talk I'll listen." Liam nodded sadly and Natalie ran her hands through his dark hair before pulling him close.

For twelve years old, Liam was very mature for his age. He was the spitting image of his father, dark hair and blue eyes….and the older he got the less Natalie saw her personality in him. He was more reserved now than before and kept his feelings closer than he used to. He was tall and lanky. She was proud of how protective he's been with his younger siblings, something she imagined he got from John and they way he was with Michael when they were kids.

Looking up Natalie's eyes wandered to her daughters. Between the two they usually had their father's head spinning. She didn't believe John could be wrapped anymore around Laney's finger until she saw the way he was with Jolie too. And to watch both girls work their father was hilarious.

At ten years old Alana hadn't changed much in personality. She was still quiet and shy, not saying much if she didn't have to but, there were glimpses more often now of a fiery personality that she held inside. She loved fiercely and was devoted and loyal. Headstrong would be a world she was sure they would use in the future. And like Liam to his father, the older she got the more she looked like Natalie, red hair and blue eyes.

Jolie also favored John, her hair the mirror to Laney's only with dark curls not red. But, Natalie thought the she had her shade of blue eyes, not John's. This little six year old ruled the house. Jolie was the boss of everyone and she told you so too. She was loud and boisterous but, like her big sister, she loved you completely and she would defend what she thought was right until the end. She was the miracle they had prayed for once. And she was a blessing to the family. Jolie she was the child that almost wasn't and Natalie couldn't imagine life without her.

"Can I go change?" Liam said pulling Natalie from her thoughts.

"Of course you can," she smiled at him, surprised he hadn't done it already. Natalie stood up as he scooted by her and headed for her husband and his mother.

"How are you Natalie?" Eve asked sweetly, smiling at her.

"I'm doing fine…really, I'm ok. And I can't thank you enough for all you've done this week, I don't know how we would have made it through without you," Natalie smiled back.

"I've always thought of you as a daughter I never had, you know that. Even when you two lost each other," Eve glared at her son.

"I got her back Mom, a long time ago," John mumbled, his mother had never forgiven him for any of their break ups.

"Lucky for you," Eve patted him on the cheek, he hummed a response, "I'm going to go now, I'm staying with Michael and Marcy tonight."

"Well, if your sure. We have plenty of room," Natalie said.

"No, I think it's important for the kids to have your attention tonight," Eve paused, getting lost in her thoughts, "it really puts things into perspective doesn't it? I remember when your father died…..well, never mind. I'm going to get out of your hair right now. Breakfast?"

"Yes," Natalie said quickly, "please, come back for breakfast before you leave for home."

After Eve left, Natalie turned and noticed Liam coming back down the stairs. Scanning the room again, she turned to John.

"Where's Sean?" She asked confusion etched on her face.

"I'm here," Sean said coming from the kitchen, pushing his glasses up his nose, his face covered in chocolate something.

Natalie turned at the sound of his voice. "What have you been doing?" She asked, trying to keep from laughing.

"Nothing," the boy said innocently, his grey eyes wide behind his thick glasses, wringing his hands just like Natalie did in telltale nervousness.

"Uh-huh," Natalie said back, her eyebrows raised in question.

"Dude, your face is covered in frosting," Liam said passing by, "you're busted."

Sean sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor, his glasses sliding down his nose, "Aunt Marcy made brownies. I just wanted one," he said lowly, shrugging one shoulder, pushing the glasses up with one finger.

At eight years old, Sean's hair was still not as dark as John's or as red as Natalie's but, she'd noticed in the summers he would almost get red highlights from the sun sometimes. He actually favored Jessica's Ryder and their cousin Sam Manning, when Sam was younger. The only McBain trait he seemed to inherit was his height. Like Liam he was tall and lanky. He would, for the rest of his life have to take medications for his immune system and a few other ailments and side effects from when he was sick years ago. There would always be more doctor's appointments and tests in his future than for his siblings but, the fact that he was alive and in relative good health at the moment was all Natalie needed. He was a laid back, happy go-lucky boy with a huge heart.

"Uh-huh….are you sure you had just one? Well, I was going to make dinner….you probably should have asked first," she scolded gently, she would forever have a hard time reprimanding him.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled before turning and wandering over to where the other Mc Bain children sat.

She laughed as she heard Liam say, "if you're gonna scam food, next time wipe your face so you don't get caught dork," as she headed to the kitchen.

She looked at the piles of food from the neighbors and friends wondering what to do with all of it. As she started going through casserole dishes, she felt his eyes on her.

"You know it creeps me out when you stare at me," she said without looking up.

"Can't help it. You're hot," He answered quickly, leaning on the door jam, smirking smugly at her.

She turned to give him a look before looking down and her ratty jeans and his old t-shirt. She chuckled before selecting a few things she knew the kids would eat and went about heating things up.

"Are you sure your ok?" He asked again, concern laced in his voice.

"John, I'm fine," she answered, getting slightly aggravated with him.

"I heard what you said to Liam…" John said letting his voice train off.

Natalie sighed, "well…..I didn't get enough time with him." She swallowed hard, trying to hold them in and in the end thinking 'fuck it', and letting them fall. She sighed, "I know you hated him John but, he was my father. The things he did to us all those years ago…..while they were _not_ right, he did out of love for me and...I didn't have enough time with him, that's all." She wiped her face.

"I do understand that, I didn't have enough time with mine either. And hate, that's a pretty strong word. Maybe at first but, I would say we tolerated each other the last few years. For you and your mom and the kids but, I love you and I know you're hurting and I want you to know that just because your father and I didn't get along doesn't mean you can't talk about him to me or anything," John told her. He did hate his wife's father but, now that the man was dead he wouldn't say another word about it.

John slowly crossed the room to gather her in his arms.

"You have been so wonderful to me this week," she said into his shirt.

"I turned out to be a pretty great husband," he said trying to lighten the mood.

She laughed as she pulled back looking at him in mock confusion, "you have, who would have thought?"

"You didn't see 'husband' written all over me the day we met?" John asked her jokingly.

Natalie burst out in laughter, "no, oh no 'husband' was not a word I saw written all over you that day."

"Really? Huh…well what did you see?" He asked, pulling her closer.

"Oh well, tall…" Natalie said as if mentally running through a list.

"Uh-huh, yeah I am taller than you-" he mumbled absently pretending to consider her words.

"Dark and dangerous…" She said a little more seriously.

"It was the jacket-" mumbling again gaining him smile from her.

"Sexy…" She added with a rough voice.

"Right, right there is that-" he mumbled sighing as if it was a burden. They both laughed. John sobered quickly, "I didn't see my future written all over you either."

"What did you see?" She asked looking up at him.

"I told you before, I wanted you…in that second but, I'd have to say, it was your hair that I couldn't get out of my head," he played with the end of her ponytail, "I remember that day like it was yesterday."

"It was twenty years ago," she told him, "_this year._" She was surprised, it had just occurred to her.

"Really?" He asked, "I guess it is. How can you be more beautiful today than ever?" He leaned forward and captured her lips but, before he could deepen his kiss he felt a tugging on his shirt tail. Pulling back, leaving Natalie slightly dazed he looked down into the face of his angel.

"Daddy," Jolie said in her commanding voice, "you need to come and play with me."

"Well, I thought you were playing with your sister," he said, amused by her. He knew he was in trouble when both girls were older, he indulged them way too much.

"She wasn't doing it right," Jolie placed her hands on her hips, Natalie noticed –just like her father, "I told her if she couldn't play right, I wasn't going to play with her at all."

John tried hard not to laugh, though he noticed Natalie wasn't as amused. She sighed and mumbled, "you're going to need to take care of that," moving off to finish gathering dinner.

"Come on princess," John said following Jolie into the other room and onto the floor in front of the couch.

There were still moments when he looked around and was amazed by what he saw. This moment was one of them. He never could have imagined this for himself. His four children happy and healthy, his beautiful home and walking into the living room from the kitchen was his beautiful wife. He could see she was speaking but, he couldn't hear her. Suddenly he was standing in a bar watching her walking in from the back room, her smiled suddenly lighting up the room. As he gazed at her, her face changed but her smiled still lit up the room. Clustered around her where their children. He could see it now, what he couldn't that day, his future.

_"…__..you were looking for me?"_

_"__You're Natalie?"_

_"__Yeah, why?"_

_"__Well if I didn't have a reason before…I got one now…"_


End file.
